<p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited April 07, 2000).]

I think that H may have grown a lot, emotionally and he just wanted to share that with his son. He could have also used the "i have unresolved issues with my xw", just as an excuse to get out of the wedding altogether. I am not trying to burst your bubble, but if you want to see what is going on in x's head, then try calling him again. Just to say hello and see where it goes from there.

skye,<P>I think it is obvious from the enormous changes that have taken place in your xh's life since his encounter with you last summer, that he does indeed have very strong feelings for you. You are NOT imagining that!<P>But, he is not ready to act on them. His life is clearly in transition. Give him time, and continue to put out feelers.<P>And, I can tell you one thing, my sister's husband would NEVER write those wonderful words about HIS first wife to HIS children! He would NEVER say to his children that they were "born from love and passion" and that they are "the embodiment of the spirit and the light that your mother and I shared." Because HE does NOT feel that way about his xwife.<P>That your xh 4 years later STILL has such powerful feelings of love for you IS encouraging. That he wanted both YOU and your son to know that he has these feelings for you, is very significant. WHY would he have written that to your son, unless he wanted you to know how much he's changed and that he hopes you will care what he feels? Your son's reaction to his father's words tell you that the message was for you, not him. <P>Your xh is taking baby steps towards starting to deal with his feelings for you. But, I would also think he fears rejection from you. As you said yourself, he courageously put himself out there last summer and you ignored him like he didn't even exist. That had to hurt him a lot, and will make him very leery of ever risking his heart with you again.<P>I think his writing those beautiful words about you to your son was his way of testing the waters with you. You should do something to encourage him. Maybe, a note to him or another call. But, you definitely have to be the one to make more effort, because he is very gun-shy now.<P>Good luck, I see lots to be encouraged about, no one would bother to say those lovely words, unless he wanted them to have an effect on the intended target.<P>blair<P><p>[This message has been edited by blair (edited April 06, 2000).]

I'd agree...<P>Time to test the waters again...<P>ala <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... going very slow...<BR>with very little expectations on your part!<P> <P>Jim

Thank you all for your replies.<P>Jim, how do I do a Plan A if we are divorced and not in any contact?<P>Any ideas!!<P>~skye~

skye,<P>I agree with what everyone has said so far. I would like to offer one other thought. Since he is the one that screwed up in the marriage, he probably feels that he has no right to have you in his life again. Your snub probably also reinforced this idea. <P>I understand your reluctance to contact him, because you don't want to be rejected again. A very reasonable concern. But I sense that althought the divorce was messy you do have feelings for him.<P>It would seem he has them for you as well. Whether it is feelings of getting together again or just to reestablish a friendship I don't know. But it is clear he gave up a marriage to a woman who loved him, because his feeling were too strong. I would speculate that he did not want to mess up again in marriage and going into one with strong feelings for you would have surely done that.<BR> <BR>I don't think he will reach out to you beyond what he did last summer. He probably feels he doesn't have the right.<P>So my advice, see if there is someway to reach out that you are comfortable with. Maybe through your son. I assume that he is older and has sided with you through the divorce. But maybe he wouldn't mind being the excuse or go between for you.<P>Just be prepared that he may just want friendship or he would like more. It could be either, but I have a feeling it may be more .<P>So take your time and really see how you feel about this. If you are interested and comfortable with all possible outcomes, then find a way to make contact. Maybe even email. Affairs start that way, so why cannot renewed marriages .<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P> thank you for your thoughtful reply, I think there is a lot of truth in what you said.<P>My son is 20 years old, and has refused contact with his father for over 3 years, until I convinced him to accept his father's offer to pay for his summer rent, for his upcoming summer job in NYC.<P>I think that you're right about the e/m being the best and most subtle way to start some sort of communication up between us. I thought that I might wait a few weeks, and then tell him how nice it was to offer to pay our son's rent. <P>I just found out something very upseting to me, I knew that the former OW owned a small percentage of his large property which is up for sale. And, I knew she wouldn't go quietly from his life, as he is very wealthy and she's gotten quite used to the good life. I figured he'd have to buy out her share. She gave him $30,000 from the sale of her home towards the purchase of this estate.<P> And, I found out today, that he paid her over a quarter of a million dollars to get rid of her!!! Pretty nice return on her investment, I'd say...$30,000 turns into $250,000 in 2 years...NOT TOO SHABBY!!!<P>I am so angry right now. He refused to pay one penny of our son's college expenses, and he's lavished so many gifts on her in the past 4 years. He paid off over $50,000 of her debt, bought her a $40,000 car, $20,000 art work, and horses, as this information came out in our depositions and discovery during the divorce. And, the list goes on and on.<P>But, now finding out today that he just paid her another huge chunk of OUR money...is too much.<P>I am not sure I can get past this one.<P>I guess my only solace is, that IF I am this angry...he must be ballistic!<P>God give me strength to get through this one too...<P>Thank you for your advice, but sometimes I just don't know if I will be able to ever get past it all.<P>~skye~<p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited April 06, 2000).]

skye,<P>He is not your H any more. If he likes money and it is a major thing to him, I suspect he really wanted to get rid of her. So just look at this way, real estate does go up .<P>I would bet however, this was a pay off to avoid a lawsuit. So don't be mad, it is not part of your life now. He was part of your life years ago and maybe part of your life in the future, but he is not now.<P>Or you could view it as 250K to buy his freedom from her. That could be a very reasonable price depending on how your relations with him works out. Don't you think? <P>So, skye, get a good perspective on this. Don't get mad or hurt about things that really are not part of your life now. If you need to feel hurt I am sure there are many things in the past you can dwell on, but please remember it is your FUTURE that is important. The past cannot be changed but the future offers many opportunities.<P>So don't borrow trouble. Really examine how you feel about all of this and if you feel you should proceed forward, then do so. I know this is a very emotional issue, but this calls for you to be very rational with yourself and the situation. You will get the best results if you do this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL.<P>thanks again for your wise counsel.<P>It's been a difficult day. I know that you're right, he was paying her off to get rid of her. It's just hard to deal with b/c she is, was and always will be a golddigger...and, I resent her doing this to him.<P>And, yes, it is something he deserves for getting himself involved with this lowlife to begin with, but she has caused me and my son a great deal of pain for 4 long years. And, to now find out she is walking out of an affair, where she lived like a princess, with this enormous pay off...really bothers me!<P>I can certainly see that the Universe would use this as a large learning experience for my xH...hit him where it hurts the most...in his wallet. There is a poetic justice in that. But, the OW still walks off with 250K and who knows how much he lavished on her in the 4 years they were together.<P>What's the lesson for her...crime doesn't pay??<P>I need some time to deal with this, to absorb it, and forget it. Because you're right...it is a done deal. And, I refuse to dwell on her good fortune. And, I'd have to assume, that the OW losing the goose who lays the golden eggs is what her consequence in all this is...back to being a working girl I guess. <P>I do need to decide if I want to proceed at all. I don't know now.<P>Thanks for your calming voice of reason.<P>~skye~

skye,<P>Don't let the ending of the relationship with the OW bother you. It really hasn't done anything to hurt you and may be helping you. As for the 250k obviously your exH can afford it.<P>So think about the issues at hand. Do you want to contact him? Do you think he is interested in contacting you? Where would you like the contact to lead if it were reasonable, friendship or more?<P>Once you have sorted those things out, then you can decide to proceed. I'll bet waiting a few weeks might be a good idea. Your exH may not be too thrilled with women right now .<P>But skye you have made it this far without him, so don't let this stuff get to you.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL