I don't know what to say, I was warned, I was told what would happen. And I still left the door open.<P>I went out and I fell for someone new. I was the betrayed, and only 4 months later someone has captured my heart. While I was getting to know her I was saying, J you should be taking it easy... <P>The more I get involved, the more I learn or discover about my W's betrayal. And I wonder if it is less a fantasy than what it was made out to be. I wonder if for her it was an out, a release and whammo.<P>Could I go back now? If she asked me I would be really torn. I almost changed my user name in case she came in and read this. It seems so (i am hunting for the right words), i want to say 'right' but its something more but less? Peaceful and flowing come to mind.<P>Ack!! I am not here to tell you that but, I don't know what to do. The W isn't coming any closer to me, but we are still chatting nice etc. The deeper I get the harder it will be and the more worried that I cannot get out of this, if i would want to at all.<P>I would feel horrible if say 3 months down the road she wants to make a go of it and I am totally involved and loving my relationship. I'm ready for the flames on this one.<P>J

No flames here, it probably feels nice to have someone want you, someone think you are great, someone to make you smile after months of frowning. Of course you know I am thinking this is a REBOUND RELATIONSHIP! Be careful, you know how painful it can be, so do it to an innocent person.

to be honest, this sounds like the kind of problem i would love to have right now. <P>be sure to be up front and totally transparent to your new "friend", it wouldn't be fair to hurt her. then tell your wife and see what she does. don't have sex with either of them, it will really mess up everyone's decision making abilities.<P>are there children involved? that makes the old marriage something worth saving for sure.<BR>is there no hope? many people here would say that there is.<P>hmmmmm...this is a toughy. you'd better hit your knees and start praying really hard, and listening really hard.

Same deal here as you, J, only it's been 2 years since my H's affair began. The man was great, I've known him since July, so it was very gradual until Guard left this Jan., then it escalated...but I ended contact 3 weeks ago and discovered a whole new set of stuff. I was drawing strength from him, from his words, from his love. My husband wants me back and I wasn't letting him have a chance...just like any other affair.<P>It is truly amazing how it feels when you are a betrayed and someone is not only nice to you, but thinks you walk on water and tells you so.<P>If this relationship with the new woman is real, it will wait until you are divorced (I forgot to check your profile...you are on the way to divorcing? If not, you're just unfaithful, doing an emotional affair if not PA). Your relationship is NOT different and special and soulmatish, it just feels that good after all the pain. If you are married...she is being with a married man...and that is a character flaw, just as ours is, being married and spending solo time with someone of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, really, no matter how bad our situations are, that is the crummy reality of being with your woman.<P>The 18 months I spent in Plan A, if I divorced I planned on being one of those weird cat ladies...no male relationships until my daughters were out of the house...I barely waited until my Husband was out of the house. <P>Look at your post and read it with MB eyes...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

James,<P>A loving flame from me...<P>Remember... I love the sinner... but I hate the sin.<P>I'm praying for an inside strength to enter you soon... Lor is right... if this woman is beyond the idea of a fantasy... she will wait and all you've lost is a little time.<P>Time to grow... to heal... to learn...<P>I told you... a loving flame.<P> <P>Jim

J<BR>Two wrongs don't make a right...and deep down you know what you are doing is wrong. No matter what your wife has done or is doing, there is no excuse for you beginning an affair....and what you are doing is beginning (or having) an affair. Don't add insult to injury here.....set this relationship aside, no matter how good it feels or how much you think you deserve it after the pain (typical affair self-talk). Give your marriage a real chance. If it can't be healed, then get yourself really free before beginning a relationship. <BR><P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Simply J:<P>I don't have any wise words for you -- I don't even have a scorching flame to send your way. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about your and your situation. I pray that God will flood your heart and mind with His love and wisdom.<P>Take care.<P>Jill

James,<P>Hi and you know I care about you deeply. You and I have had a few intense discussions about this very thing prior to it becoming a reality.<P>I am not going to flame you. <P>What everyone here has said is so true. I know in your heart you realize that.<P>This new woman is in a very vicarious possition and you are putting her there. If she falls for you hard and you find out this is not what you want then you are going to hurt her greatly. For sure keep the honesty and truth thing going between you two. Don't use any omission. That is the same as lying or misleading.<P>Now, what if Tam decides to come back? Let's say because of the recent wonderful feelings that you are not receptive to that. A few months down the road this new lady decides she does not want to continue in a relationship with you? You will have lost a lot.<P>Because you are married I see this as another affair and another triangle. Someone is bound to get hurt. There is no avoiding it.<P>I have to agree with the others and Lor said it so well as she has/is there. Put this new relationship on hold until all the dust has settled and you are free to be with her. Don't let her or yourself get any more involved. Sure it will hurt and be hard but, it is not going to hurt as much now as it will later.<P>I know that this is all easier said than done. Your wife may not come back and it may not work out between you. You could loose this girl. It is all a risk. Life is a risk taking endeavor.<P>You have the choice here to make either a good or bad decision. I am not going to go into right or wrong. That is between you and God.<P>You really do need to get on your knees and pray with all your heart. You need to read your bible and look at the vows you already took with Tam. Some think the bible gives and out clause to marriage. If you really look at the vows though there is no out clause. What is in your heart, deep in your heart is what counts? What was in your heart when you made those vows? Are you ready to rescind your word of honor to Tam, God and yourself?<P>Tam started this all and I think in the long run she is going to have to be the one to fix it or end it.<P>What ever happens you know we will all love and support you to the best of our ability. This is a marriage builders site so, naturally the objective here is to build marriages and preserve them whenever possible.<P>Take your time dear. Think hard and go slow.<P>I will be praying for you.<BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited April 06, 2000).]