Looking for some opinions here. <P>I have written an 8 page letter venting my thoughts to the OW. She and my H do not speak any longer but that doesn't mean we are out of the woods just yet as he still loves her very much as is still very tempted to call her. Further, she is just waiting for him to do so to jump at the chance to further their relationship which has been an EA thus far. They are in two different countries so distance has made the heart grow fonder.<P>The purpose of the letter is to finally say to her all the things she deserves to hear. She and I have spoken by phone and it was because of her that I was able to finally learn the entire truth about their relationship. <P>Once I knew and he stopped calling her I had still continued to talk to her on occasion to ask her why she had done this to me. I had confronted her when it all began two years ago and asked her not to pursue my H but she did anyway. <P>Some of you must think I am nuts but it just blows my mind that a woman like her, who was married at the time and had also been cheated on herself, could turn around and cause the same pain to another woman. --it is because of this disbelief that I ask her why did she do it. <P>She has used that opportunity to say very hurtful and untrue things to me. In the course of which, I have learned that some of these same things she had previously said to my H and "brain washed" him into thinking things like I got pregnant to trick him into staying married to me...when I never even knew he was having the affair to begin with!<P>Anyway, the letter isn't the "nicest" letter but at the same time, I don't exaggerate or tell lies. I am truly speaking the entire truth to set her straight. <P>Aside from venting and setting her straight, I wanted to send this letter so that she understands she now has me to deal with.<P>You see, in 1997 foolishly I was lead to believe that they had not taken their relationship any further. So I disappeared from their sight and gave them the space they needed to have an affair. Little did I know! I now feel that she may think I will do the same and that she may take it upon herself to make the first move to recontact my H.<P>As some of you may recall, my H is not Christian nor is she. Their religion allows for more than one wife. I'm not just fighting the "other woman" here but a potential "other WIFE". <P>My strategy being, if she is willing to be the second wife without asking him to divorce me, that means she thinks that she and I will live together happily. Naturally, I'm not of this sort of mentality. <P>My letter is worded very strongly, though truthfully, and it also promises her that if she continues to be a part of our lives in any way, friend, wife, or still only by phone, that I will do my very best to make her life a living h*ll! I want her to know that my H and I are a package deal. And though she may want him, I want to make sure she doesn't want the rest of the package...hoping that she will stay clear of him on account of me.<P>I'm not trying to be "cruel" to her. I'm just trying to make it clear to her that she is not welcome in this relationship I have with my H, that he HAS chosen to remain with me and not to continue a relationship with her which he has already told her.<P>And though that might seem like it is all I can ask at this time from him, he did this same thing two years ago...he chose me and decided not to continue a relationship with her and when I believed him and we went into recovery, he rekindled their relationship. So I'm not willing to take any chances this time. <P>In sending her the letter, however, I only have the ability to send it to her by fax. Her fax is at work. Dare I do that? On the one hand, she has indeed humiliated and embarrassed and shamed me...which sending such a fax to her work place would inevitably cause her the same grief she has caused me. I also know, however, that two wrongs don't make "it" right. I'm not trying to "right" any wrongs. Nor to shame her. But if in sending it to work it happens to cause her great embarrassment, well, I think that's just all the more power to my letter, no?<P>Reality is, I have no other way to send her a letter. I have no way to communicate all that I have the need to share with her because phone time just isn't possible. And yes, I have a "need" to do this. Not for revenge. Simply to make it clear to her that she has me to deal with from now on where my H is concerned, unlike the last two years, and it isn't going to be fun. <P>I know some of you wouldn't even bother spending such energy on a woman of this type. But I have a baby about to be born and I'd like for all of my children to have a life with their father and mother, under the same roof. I just can't imagine this baby I'm carrying never having the chance to really "know" it's father. True, this is his own fault but still...if she backs off from him, half the battle is won. No?<P>Please share your thoughts with me!<BR>Thank you all!

Basically, when all is said and done. Your letter won't make a bit of difference. If your phone talks didn't matter to OW, why would a letter filled with anger and what she will make herself believe are lies. While in fantasy they will make themselves believe what THEY WANT TO BE TRUE. The letter won't make any difference to her, and it may be just the ammunition/excuse she needs to contact your H again. She may be happy that she upsets your day so and take it as an accomplishment to herself. Sick YES, but their are some out there. IMO, don't send it, it will give her the excuse to start contact again with your H and she has already shown that she doesn't care how you feel or hurt. Affairs are about selfishness only caring for oneself and that is exactly what this is.

Be careful of what you do next! You said that your H is no longer in contact, don't give him (or her) a reason for contact! If you piss her off with this letter, is there a chance she would call him just to get back at you???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Is there hope?:<BR><B><BR>Some of you must think I am nuts but it just blows my mind that a woman like her, who was married at the time and had also been cheated on herself, could turn around and cause the same pain to another woman. --it is because of this disbelief that I ask her why did she do it. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think your nuts about the previous statement. I am in a very similar situation. The OM that my W is involved with was dumped by his W for his best friend...not even a year ago! The fact that he was in my situation before, and understands what I/we are going through makes me soooooo mad! <P>One day (hopefully) my W will "see" all of this and realize what he is really after. <P>Fight the temptation to acknowledge the OW and the power she has over you! Don't do it!! Don't waste another bit of your precious time or energy on her. I know this is easier said than done. Hang in there, I will keep you in my prayers!<P>Doug<P><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Trying24give and Kindablue<P>Thank you for your thoughts here. I had a feeling this is what I would hear! But let me restate a concern of mine to make sure it hasn't been overlooked in your own thoughts on the situation.<P>Two years ago I didn't take an aggressive action. Rather, I very much did what has been suggested by the both of you. Both he and she felt that because I did not put my foot down good and hard that I was going to come around and permit them to marry.<P>Although I feel I have made myself clear that I would never go along with such a disgusting thing, I felt I had been crystal clear two years back as well. But they chose to ignore it.<P>My H told me he had only given her one of his contact numbers, his mobile phone. I now have his number and he uses mine. So if that is true, she can not contact him without going through me. Further, she has made the threat to call him many times during the last 7 weeks and has not. So I don't really feel that she would. <P>But...I could be wrong.<P>However, I do know now that I was wrong two years ago to not be more aggressive with the two of them about their affair. I have this feeling down in my gut, call it instinct, that I will be making a huge mistake if I don't take strong action in her direction. There is no way for me to do this other than by letter.<P>And regarding what I have said to her so far, it has had an impact on her...she does get upset, she has told many lies to make herself sound innocent and free of blame that are in direct conflict with earlier truths she had shared with me. So her conscience is weighing heavy on her mind. I just feel it is necessary to weigh it down a bit further for the purpose of my future. <P>They underestimated me two years ago. I can't afford to have them do that again. I don't know how else to make her aware that I will not accept this lying down. If you have any ideas, let me know. <P>Looking forward to more of your thoughts and others.... Thanks again!

HI there Is there Hope!<P>SEND THE LETTER! Let her know you mean business and that you are going to fight for your marriage! I say go 4 it!!!!!!!<P>If I had let my H do sometihng of the sort OM wouldn't have come within ten feet of me!<P>I would fax it. Just make sure that there is a cover sheet and an end sheet taht doesn't let anyone know what is up. Just to keep you from being charged with harrassement. don't sign it, let her know, "you know who I am!"<P>Good Luck,<BR>mercy