I think I can completely and totally understand your pain. My H and I have been through much the same thing in terms of recovering only to find out we weren't in recovery at all. He began an affair in the fall of 97 which I caught on to immediately and confronted both he and the OW...was given assurance that it would not continue and so we moved on with the healing. <P>Several months ago I finally sat him down and officially forgave him for what he had done back in 97. Yes, it took me that long as I was pregnant at the time, only weeks away from delivering. It was a pregnancy he begged for..one in which I greatly hesitated as he has already had a PA two years prior. I feared he would betray me if I got pregnant. Sure enough, he did.<P>I learned only 7 weeks ago that he never ended the affair of 97. Since that time I delivered another baby as well and am sitting here weeks away from delivering again. <P>On top of all of this, he wants to marry her and his religion as well as hers allows for it. Mine does not, I am Christian.<P>Yes, it hurts alot. I can totally and completely understand what you are saying because we had gone through the entire process of healing and recovery and forgiveness, made all of the agreements on being open and honest and the joint agreement, did the love busters and emotional needs test...we really did it all! And it was a lie the entire time.<P>I describe it as not only he having been in a fantasy world but that he unknowingly put me in one as well. And right now, we are both coming out of the fantasy. His is having two wives, mine is in realizing the last two years not only meant nothing but that they represented a side of him I didn't even know existed. So now I sit writing and pondering over just who it is I am married to.<P>But back to your situation...my H did say something to me that made a difference. At this point, I feel this is a "third" betrayal. Though the woman of 97 and now are one in the same, I was hurt twice by the same incident and have already completed the healing from 97 (and then there was the incident of 95.)<P>What my H said to me, however, was that in both 95 and 97, he never really tried to change. He never tried to make the marriage work. He consciously just laid blame at my feet for his own unhappiness and let me jump through the hoops to try and make him happy. Neither of us actually realizing that until HE changed,too, all the changes in the world on my part woudn't help.<P>Well, I know that now. And for the first time, he has actually said with seeming sincerity that he WANTS to change. I've even made him explain to me why and his reason sounds very legit...like he has actually made a conscious decision and is not trying to b.s. his way through it again.<P>We have separated because I need him to know how serious I am about not putting up with this behavior. It was because I was not very hard with him before, Plan A'd him and it mislead him, that he thought he could do it and get away with it. So I'm now doing a less hostile Plan B. <P>Your H's reasons for having done as he did sound legit. When they first get caught, they tell a million more lies to cover it up. They aren't prepared to have the truth out in the open as in both our H's cases, they were caught off guard...so slowly they let us die a painful death. Until finally, one day, we know the full truth.<P>Your pain is still so very fresh. I'm 7 weeks into mine and I've a very different perspective on it that I had then. At the moment of impact, it shattered my world. Now, I'm not shattered by it at all. I've completely put all blame and responsibility onto him and am making him jump through the hoops instead of doing it myself.<P>The point is, you have every right to be hurt but don't let it cloud your ability to see what it is he really wants to do regarding your lives together. It seems to me he really does want to make things work. The fact that he is posting here is a great sign already. For both of you. <P>If he wants the chance, if you prefer to spend the rest of your life with him provided he can change, I hope you will support his attempt to change, to right the wrong. <P>I know many stories where the woman responded by ending the marriage without giving it a chance. Your H seems to want the chance. I hope you can give it to him. <P>Most marriages fall prey to this problem of infidelity. Unfortunately, our situations are not unique. Now that we've made the list and have become a part of the statistics as having gone down this path, let's see what we can do now to not repeat the journey. <P>It hurts like you've never hurt before. This is so true. And all the lies to cover it up surely didn't help. But the worst is over. It really is. and a month from now it is not likely to feel quite as unbelievable as it now does. Cry if you need to, vent if you need to...but dont' give up. Come here often and it will help. I promise!