How many of you were angry at your spouses for letting you get to the point of desiring an affair?<P>I believe much of my wifes anger is because she feels I did not perform my role as husband fully. And she is blaming me for pushing her to the point that an affair was possible.<P>how did you (or did you ever) over come this?<P>Did your spouse do anything to help you past that anger?<P>MY UPDATE: In case you are curious. My wife and I are still living in the same house. She hasn't found a job yet and still plans to separate as soon as she does. Nothing has changed. She is still massively angry at me. She doesn't even look at me and if she does it's a hateful glare. I am still praying for our family to stay together. God has seen fit to keep us together this long dispite her attempts to find work. So, I keep praying.

Well as a betrayer I think she is blaming you because she is frustrated,guilty and ashamed all at once.Your marriage may have been distant but that gives her no right to blame you for her having an affair. She had plenty of options and she CHOSE to have an affair you didn't make her do it.<P>There was a point when I felt like your W but then I realized that it was my decsion and a BAD one at that.<P>It sounds like she feels very resentful and angry maybe she should go to counseling. <P>All I can say is just keep showing your love and support and maybe her heart will grow softer<P>Take care!

I do not blame my husband for my affair. That was my addiction, not his. <P>The thing I am having trouble with is explaining to him, and having him accept the reason I feel I went to someone else was because I was so unhappy and lonely in my marriage. <P>He does not understand how I could do such a low down dirty thing to him. It was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. But I need him to see the cause, not just the reaction.<P>I don't want him to say he is responsible for my affair, because he is not. But I would like to hear him say he is sorry and take 1/2 the blame for letting our marriage disintegrate to the point where we grew that far apart.

Try separating communicating about the affair and communicating about your marriage. The last thing a wounded spouse needs or wants to hear is "I'm sorry, I was wrong to have an affair, <B>but you</B>"...weren't meeting my needs...ignored me....let our marriage disintegrate...etc. You may not mean to shift blame for the affair, but that is how it comes across.<P>Try saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong to have an affair." Try dealing simply with the affair and don't bring the condition of the marriage into. Apologize only for the affair and commit to doing whatever it takes to heal.<P>Then separately, talk about the marriage. Don't link the problems back to the affair...."You weren't showing me love, so I had an affair". Again this appears to shift blame.<P>It is so hard for a wounded spouse to face what has been done.....you can only imagine the pain, the damage to ego, the confusion, the physical effects. On top of that, the wounded spouse then has to do some serious self-examination and see honestly how they need to make changes and accept responsibility for problems in the marriage....believe me this is tough to do. To then feel on top of all of this that, that you have to bear blame for the affair is almost too much.<P>I know that it helped me greatly to hear my husband simply apologize and promise never to cause me that kind of pain again. Hearing the pain in his voice as he accepted responsibility for what he did, helped me accept responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. He didn't allow me to blame myself....he didn't say "I'm sorry, <B>but you</B>....".<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited April 05, 2000).]

OOOOHHHHHH!!!<P>Absolutely, I was so angry at My H for "shoving" me out the door. I blamed him and felt so bad for allowing myself to be shoved out the door! <P>that was only the first time. everytime after that, i did it. <P>He did acknowledge the fact that he shoved me out the door to have an affair. BING, took the fight right out of me. He asked my forgiveness in doing that. <P>While I was still fighting the overwhelming feelings for OM and disgust for my H, I hated him. I was like a split person. Now that I have cut off all contact with OM, I find that I never really lost that lovin' feeling! It really has made such a difference.<P>I give God all the credit for the healing of my heart, family, and marriage.<P>"nothing is impossible with God"<P>mercy<P>

Dear Mercy, I have so wanted to talk to you. <P>I am trying to relinquish the OM. Have had an EA for three months. H won't work on the marriage, knows I am sad. Sunday I practically stuffed His Needs Her Needs down his throat. He read a bit and then asked if I had ever wanted to have an affair. I said, "Of course! Several times! Every loser who is the least bit nice to me just makes me melt because of what treatment I get at home." (H is emotionally abusive and alcoholic.) <P>He is still in denial and quit reading. I said it was only my religion that kept me from cheating on him. He seems not to care about me or the relationship.<P>Trying to find a forum or contact here that is in my position: betrayer, not found out but would consider confession, horrible and lonely marriage, trying not to betray and trying to put marriage back together when H thinks he is perfect.<P>Doesn't look hopeful for the BS to fix it up alone. H threw away my book, A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man, by the author of Divorce Busting. What am I supposed to do?<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

What HGbrawner says makes alot of sense. Hopefully, both people will be able to acknowledge that mistakes were made prior to the affair. <P>

My marriage started to go downhill about 9 years ago, after my second child was born. We began to separate more and more, but still enjoyed each other. My needs weren't being fulfilled and I was basically unhappy, and began putting my energy into the things I like, ice hockey, HD motorcyles, friends, landscaping. Her needs were obviously not being met as well, but she will always be a mother first, and she had that. Who knew? I never realized I was very lonely, and needing my wife to join me in the things I do and vice versa. I never realized that the best way to make her happy was to meet the family commitment need (besides the other top two). I only really knew what I needed, but not what she did. I would've have performed the things I needed for her, but now I know they just ain't the same. I was angry for the lack of intimacy/companionship/sex in my marriage. An opening came my way and I jumped on it. Never thinking for a minute it would lead to what it did. Absolutely never.

I had an emotinonl affair and yes, I blamed my husband to a certain degree. He was verbally abusive, had no interest in me or my work, was not thoughtful, or did he ever do anything with me or the children. One night when I tried to engage him in conversation, he yelled at me to go chat with someone on a chat room. I was angry and went on a chat room for the first time. Two days later I met someone who appeared to think I was a gift from God and an intense email romance started. I told myself I was not doing anything wrong because it was harmless fun and I never left the house. Boy was I wrong. I fell in love with the person on the other end of the computer. When my husband found out and wanted my email password I refused. When he called the man to tell him to leave me alone and called the man's wife to tell her about us, I hated him at that moment. The affair ended, and I am still angry at him for what he did. Does it make sense? No. I blamed my husband for my unhappiness and then when I finally thought I found happiness he took that away too. I hope in time I will go over the anger.<P>Lonelysoul QUOTE]Originally posted by hopefull_1:<BR><B>How many of you were angry at your spouses for letting you get to the point of desiring an affair?<P>I believe much of my wifes anger is because she feels I did not perform my role as husband fully. And she is blaming me for pushing her to the point that an affair was possible.<P>how did you (or did you ever) over come this?<P>Did your spouse do anything to help you past that anger?<P>MY UPDATE: In case you are curious. My wife and I are still living in the same house. She hasn't found a job yet and still plans to separate as soon as she does. Nothing has changed. She is still massively angry at me. She doesn't even look at me and if she does it's a hateful glare. I am still praying for our family to stay together. God has seen fit to keep us together this long dispite her attempts to find work. So, I keep praying.</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

I think Dr. Harley shared this somewhere:<P>"There are no excuses for an affair...but there are reasons."<P>I think "excuses" are easy to use to "blame" the other spouse.<P>In my case...I could never blame my wife for my betraying her...but I can also see some areas where she could have made a big difference that would have been advantageous for both of us.<P>The "blame-game" is an poor way out. But...the anger and resentment are all part of the "feelings" jungle that we all find ourselves fighting through.<P>A friend shared one time with me..helps me listen better to others now...He said to me:<P>"I'm not saying I'm right...or wrong...it's just the way I feel".