HELP!!!<P>I know that weekends are slow but I really need opinions, please read my original post at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010304.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010304.html</A> <P>Thanx<P><P>------------------<BR>Alex<BR>

Alex, I do believe that you have quite the bizarre and unique situation here.....well, not unique, but you know what I mean...<P>I cannot even begin to fathom what to tell you....<P>A lesbian decided she wanted my husband and took him for 3 months.......or rather, he went willingly.....<P>I can only imagine your pain and confusion.....<P>as for all of you living happily together in one house, well, wasn't there a movie of the week about that at one point? <P>you need to discover what you need.....<P>and want....<P>Dylan.<P>

Sorry about that... I guess she is not a lesbian but bisexual, like my wife... hopefully he'll return to real love once his hormones are satisfied.<P>This idea about the living in one house is hers, but I don't think she means it... the relationship started about 2 months ago and only became physical about 3 weeks ago, she told me last saturday (almost a week). I think is just that she's not ready to make a decision.<P>As for what I need, I don't know, I know what I want but what I need... there is more to tell but I want to take it one step at a time.<P>Thanks for your reply.<P><P>------------------<BR>Alex<BR>

Alex,<P>I can't even <B>imagine</B> what more there could be to tell!!!<P>Here's the thing, Alex...<P>I think that this situation is <B>so</B> foreign to what most of us here have to deal with that nobody knows exactly <B>what</B> to say! Yes, you are dealing with infidelity, but there are so many factors here. The usual stuff we say seems very inadequate here. <P>Please know that we care about your situation, and that we understand the pain of infidelity. However, the other things like bi-sexuality and the commune-like living that you mention are difficult to approach. She's bi-sexual, you speak of "experimenting" with homosexuality yourself. I don't know how you worked it out thus far, actually. My opinion: I believe you are either homosexual or you aren't. Not sometimes yes, and sometimes no. Again, not judging, but hard for me to understand. This is a tough one, Alex.<P>Just wanted you to know that I've read your post, and am perplexed about how to respond.<BR>One thing I will say though: I can't imagine working to rebuild with a third person in the mix.<P>Best wishes as you work to rebuild.<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

Alex,<P>Ive been thinking of your sit. today. I'm stumped for now.<P>I do have some questions.<P>I don't want to sound like a preacher, do you believe in God?<BR>I do, my strenght in my faith has grown to a point that I know for a fact I couldn't do this without God in my life.<P>How much do you love your wife?<BR>I love mine enough to willingly walk through this mess following Dr.H's guidlines.<P>Does your wife seem like a completely different person?<BR>Mine has turned into the evil cold blooded Robin at times. Follwing Dr.H's principles has started to bring back the loving caring gentle Robin.<P>How much pain are you willing to endure?<BR>I am willing to endure however much God puts on me until I have a successful marriage. I truly believe He won't give me more than I can handle at one time.<P>I can't take your pain from you, however I can tell you how I handle mine.<P>I have this forum as a support group, I pray ALOT, I ask for experience in specific situations, and I know I'm not alone.<P>Hang In, <BR>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Dear New Beggining,<P>The topic is infidelity. The commune-like living thing is out of the question... Again I think she's trying not to confront the reality and this "solution" would present the benefit of having the cake and eating too while letting the future take care of itself.<P>When I was very young I did experiment with homosexuality, like some kids experiment with drugs or alcohol or many girlfriends without becoming alcoholics or drug addicts or live in polygamy when adults. I believe that you can change in any direction you want, that's why I'm here with you all. Tough? tell me about it.<P>Dear Bill,<P>I do believe in GOD, this faith as kept me strong going this last week sleeping 2-3 hrs/ night and still being there for my daughter.<P>I can't imagine life without my wife, but if that is to happen I'll know that I did everything I can to rebuild our marriage and provide a solid support for the child.<P>My wife is different... for one are the lies, she could not lie before!!! she hates lies!!! she seems to suffer. I just don't understand, I feel the world crumbling because of this... she feels hers crumbling too, and she's the "crumbler"!<P>Pain? Whatever it takes.<P>I am seeking help in this group, it's probably not for this specific type of situation. I pray A LOT, too.<P>Dear Hanora,<P>Is your H ambiguous (not sure) or bisexual (likes both)?<P>I think that if my W and I had have the communication we used to have this wouldn't have happened and she would still be "in the closet" (she says that she didn't remember the feeling, and still says that she would never betray me with another man).<P>You're right, I cannot compete with a woman to regain my W, and you could not compete with a man for your H. The options are limited but I'll apply Dr. Harveys approach and this group's ideas when possible... the rest I guess I'll do on my own... when I looked up in the internet for this kind of problem all I found were XXX sites. Some shrinks from this area say is a mental disease and want to treat her with drugs and other stuff... I think it's about love.<P>My daughter will gradually have to learn about it, althought only if we are not succesful in rebuilding our marriage(today W agreed on plan A but I have to think it over, the approach can't be exactly the same- the equipment thing is an obstacle).<P>It's not only the courts, this a close-minded catholic country, she would lose 80% of her friends and most of the remaining ones would only phone her.<P>I suggest you post your problem, it seems that you haven't healed... I am sure there are many out there facing this kind of situation, if enough would open up maybe eventually Dr, H would open a separate forum so to not distract the attention needed by the other more "normal" situations. Thank you for sharing your situation and for your wishes.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Alex<BR>

Alex,<P>Plan A is not something your wife has to agree on. It is up to you. It is about you trying to meet your W's needs. Now the OW is a little different but it sounds from our posts that other needs were not being met by either one of you. SHe is having the affair so you are stuck with applying Plan A to her. <BR>From what you have said communications is a big issues. So is financial security to her. Although I will admit that her actions especially in you physical location leads to worse not better financial security. Love and tenderness may also be an issue. The sex thing is hard for me to comment on since you cannot compete with OW on one level, but you may on another. It may not be the sex, as much as the nuturing and tenderness that she wants and needs. That you can supply.<P>If you get a copy of His Needs/ Her Needs read it. I am sure more ideas may come to mind. It sounds as if the situation is hopeful. She is talking with you. If you can get her to be honest with you that will be a big but painful (for you ) step. If you want honesty from her you will hear some very hurtful things and you cannot react negatively or she will not be honest with you. Most people say they lie to protect the other person and to some extent they are, however, they are also protecting themselves from seeing reality. <P>Good luck to you. <P>God Bless You and Your Family

Hi This Alex,<P>I don't know if H if homosexual, bisexual, I suspect autosexual, though I've never seen any reference to such a thing.<P>So the commune is not an option, they never work anyway, I'm a child of the 60's and I know. I really wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I have been through several infatuations of varying duration. In my case, and it is only mine, a flexible stance has proved moderately successful. By that I mean a lack of panic, but a very real dose of realism. God forgive me, for me the advent of AIDS was a bonus. Talk about reality! Hang in if you can, but don't pull any punches about what this will cost her. It is only the truth. If she chooses to pay the price, then it is clearly very central to her and you would be better off (as would she) apart. Frankly there are times when I wonder if I should have decamped decades ago.<BR>P.S. I too am Catholic, and Irish to boot, a very stubborn combination.