I'm new here, but have been "lurking" for a week or so. Am the betrayed. Have been trying to practice Plan A since H year-long affair was exposed (and supposedly broken off)a couple months ago. We're "semi-separated" -- he works 4 hrs. away, stays w/me and kids on weekends. His affair was emotional for the first year, then over the past year turned physical. He's had a hard time breaking ties...I knew he was still at least calling OW, probably seeing her occasionally. The last time I asked, he said he talks to her on phone maybe 3 times a week. Feels bad about "messing up her life..." <BR> Well, tonight I accessed his cell-phone bill and discovered he's still calling her--multiple times a day (or at least trying to--most of the calls are only 1 min.) I'm so distressed. When he called me tonight I was ready to LB him good! Should I confront him w/this evidence? We seem to be making slow progress back towards each other and I don't want to mess up, but I just can't take any more lying. Any advice?

I think you should most definately confront him about the bill.He's lying to you and thats no way going to help rebuild a marriage.<P>In order for you guys to focus on your marriage he must end all contact with the OW.It is the only way. He is still heavily addicted to this woman, he is living in a fantasy world. How dare him say he feels bad about messing up her life!,I mean what about yours?-his wife the mother of his children. I'm sorry but that really bothers me.<P>Anyway,once he ends all contact then you can really start with Plan A. Have you guys considered counseling yet maybe that would help the H if he isn't strong enough to do it on his own.<P>I must warn that he will go through withdrawal and it's a very trying period but just support him and hopefully he will come around.<P>After withdrawal he will look back and realize what the affair really was(ugly)<P>Anyway you will find lots of support here.I don't know if what I have said helps especially when my situation is totally different( I'm the betrayer)but I hope it has given you a better insight.<P>Take care!

Thanks for the input. I may have blown it, but we'll see...<P>I didn't tell him (yet) about the phone bill, but I did confront him on not ending it completely with OW. He was very defensive, saying I was "pushing the issue" and he was "working on it." Even threatened a "real" separation. <P>Why is he so protective of HER and so insensitive to MY pain? <P>What to do now? Have I made matters worse? I agree, we can't start rebuilding our marriage until he's broken the ties with OW. We did go to counseling at one point, but he wouldn't follow the counsel so it wasn't real productive. "You can lead a horse to water..." <P>I wish he would go get some counseling on his own at this point (he's miserable, still trying to live two lives) but so far he's attempting this on his own. He's VERY attached to our children, so that's been a "holding" factor. <P>I'm just praying that he'll come to his senses and I'll get my husband back. We had a happy life until this happened.<P>

Have you asked your H why he is so sensitive to the OW feelings and not yours? Have you asked him point blank how he thinks you are feeling about this situation?<P>I wouldn't say anything about the cell phone bill, unless the bill came directly to you and had all the details written on it. If you had to access the information on your own, he will just find another avenue to call or contact the OW.<P>Changing is a long process, and he definately needs to stop all contact with OW. Counseling would be the best, but I can't even get my H to get counseling, and why try to go back if your H won't follow the advice. <P>Perhaps reading "His Needs, Her Needs" would help. I found a lot of good advice there. I've been applying the principles (all one sided), and my H has been coming around. My situation is a little different, but the infidelity issue is still there, so it's kinds of the same. Anyway, it will take a lot of patience and hard work on your part. <P>Has he said that he is committed to the marriage and that he still loves you? If he says so and truly means it, then give him the space to work it out, but give him the extra love and undivided attention to turn him around.

Camryn,<P>I have to second what <B>toots_007</B> said...<P>Confrontation... especially if you know it will lead to a LB... isn't worth it...<P>Do you want to save your marriage?...<BR>Or win an argument?...<P> <P>Jim

He says he cares about my feelings, but his actions prove otherwise. He also says he wants us to keep the marriage together and that he still loves me (tho not "in love" like he should feel about a wife). So there are positives there, I guess. <P>I'm just so weary of this battle. A part of me is still in such shock over this -- he turned into such a different person than the one I married. <P>I'll try reading "His Needs, Her Needs." I know that when I have the strength to keep making positive deposits, it seems productive. It's hard not to get impatient when you're doing all the giving -- and YOU'RE the one who's most needy! <P>My H is one who tends to take the path of least resistance, and that makes it difficult...just when I think we're heading in one direction, he shifts gears and we're yanked around. He won't just take a stand and follow through! <P>Do I give Plan A (and him) more time -- or push Plan B?

I know exactly how you feel. I just went through over a month of hell. One day my H would say one thing, the next he would say something totally out of left field? It was a constant one step forward, two steps back. I was at a point where I was seriously considering ending the whole thing, especially after one evening talk when he said he didn't want to try anymore and didn't have the same sexual needs that I had.<P>I almost lost it then! I thought about it the next day, and when he came home from work, I acted like nothing was wrong. I still approached him in bed that evening. He asked, "what are you doing and why?" I said as long as he was here with us, I would continue to love him as my husband. I really think I blew him away. He waited till I fell asleep, then left the house for a couple of hours (I wasn't asleep). I'm sure he did some soul searching, because I found used tissues in his car the next day. We've been on the road to recovery ever since, and I haven't brought up that horrible conversation since.<P>As long as your H says he wants to keep the marriage together, and loves you, keep working plan a. He might not have said exactly what you wanted to hear, but it's a start. Keep a positive attitude - it's infectious!<P>Try checking the public library for the His Needs, Her Needs book. It was at my library, but had 4 people on the waiting list for it. I went ahead and bought it at Amazon.com. I'm glad I didn't wait. Definately a good book if 4 people were waiting for it in my small town.

Thanks for the encouragement. I e-mailed him at work, simply said "Sorry." He called and we had a very nice conversation. He's back to wanting to "work at it" again. "I do love you," he said. I replied, "Yeah, but not like a husband should love a wife, right?" (I couldn't resist). "Well, that's what we're working on, isn't it?" he said. Oh dear...<BR>You're right about the positive attitude. He says that's what attracted him to the OW. Interesting, huh? Course it doesn't hurt that she's got the perfect body, tan, etc. <P>Incidently, he hasn't initiated sex since the OW. Since the PA was exposed, I'm wondering if I should move in that direction or just let him make the first move--when he feels ready. We still sleep in the same bed.<P>Anyway...I'll give it another day....Thanks so much. <P>Try checking the public library for the His Needs, Her Needs book. It was at my library, but had 4 people on the waiting list for it. I went ahead and bought it at Amazon.com. I'm glad I didn't wait. Definately a good book if 4 people were waiting for it in my small town.[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

Saw your last post - gotta leave, but I wanted to say one more thing:<BR>I had low self-esteem and felt ugly (had gained weight from the kids).<BR>Needless to say, the infidelity diet kicked in and I've lost 25 pounds. Just stopped eating, but continued to exercise.<P>Losing the weight definately made a difference in my H's attitude, also! I know that sounds shallow on his part, but one of the things in the Needs book states that attractiveness plays a large part in the husbands love level. Just a thought.<P>I also started initiating sex (which is #1 in the Needs book that husbands crave).<BR>I'm telling you, those two things worked. Losing the weight not only increased my desire, my self-esteem rose, and I felt much better about myself. Lots of people noticed (not only my H). <P>I still want to lose 20 more pounds, but I'm looking great. <P>Anyway, if you want to lose weight, I have some thoughts in that area. Gotta run!

Thanks. I also have lost weight on the infidelity diet -- at least 15 pounds, down to size 4 (same size as OW -- tee hee). For awhile I also "forgot" to eat, but am getting appetite back now. I think the stress just burns it off. I've recently started working out, which helps a lot. So I'm OK in that area.<P> Incidently, my H has GAINED weight through all this--no discipline there, either. Says he feels bad about himself physically ('course not bad enough to stay away from OW). <P>Thanks again for the info. Pray for me this weekend when H comes for visit.<P>

Camryn,<BR>At this point, don't look for anything from your h other than him being in your home on weekends when he is not working. From my experience, my h would not go to counseling, would not read any books, would do nothing that I considered "work" other than remain in our home. It has been 9 mo. since discovery and things are now going well. He is finally able to tell me that he loves me. I planned A until I was ready to scream and then I did it some more. He really noticed It made a huge difference. Little did I know that he did continue phone contact with ow for quite some time, but since I was doing plan A, he was beginning to be more committed to our marriage. The affair died a natural death, as most will. It sounds like your h is already very defensive about his contact with the ow and if you push the cell phone bill he will just turn to some other method of contact like a phone cards or something else just as sneaky. The point being, if he wants to contact, he will. What you need to do is make your home a safe place for him to come and feel comfortable. Make his favorite meals when he is home, participate in his favorite recreational activities, look your best, demand nothing from him at this point, just give and then give some more. I know that this goes against everything that the world would tell you to do and it is very difficult. If you follow the world's advice, and demand your "rights" you will end up divorced. Determine exactly how long you can Plan A -- it will be longer than you think. Stop the selfish demands and sarcastic comments -- I know this is extremely difficult. You can do all of the work if you follow the guidelines set out in "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair". Both of these books give YOU so much to work on, you don't really have time to worry about what your h is not doing. After a length of time, when you cannot do it any more, go directly to Plan B -- do this before you destroy all of the progress you have made in Plan A. You are no where close to Plan B at this time. I know you think you are or else you would just like to beat your h with a 2X4, but you can carry on. Look at your children and give a little more of yourself to the process. If at the end of all the work you do, your h still decides not to work on your marriage, you will still be a much better person! Good luck on your journey. It will be a very long one, but you can make it!

Thanks, that gives me hope. I'll stash the phone bill for now and ask God to help me make those positive deposits. You're right...all I need to do is look at my 7 and 8 year old little ones, and I kmow they're worth walking through fire for.<BR>

Camryn,<BR>Not that this matters to you, but I just had to add this. Is the cell phone bill in his name and his name only ? When you said that you had accessed the billing information, did you have to pose as him with his personal identification information/or have a male caller do it for you?<BR>Well, my wife had a P.I. do this for her. I found out from my cellular carrier that "I" had called on two occassions asking for a total of six months worth of calling statements ! "I" was not me. In this state it's called "criminal impersonation" and it's a crime. When I asked what did she do with the billing statements that were sent to her apartment two and a half months after I had left she said that she didn't know what I was talking about. I filed a criminal complaint, but I am sitting on it for the moment. Not to get even with her, but the P.I. for breaking the law. Be carefull !

No, the cell phone was in my name also -- he just had the bills coming to his place of business. He doesn't know that they can be accessed on-line (w/the proper info). Too bad we have to learn to be detectives.<BR>