Well Allen and I had our first joint counseling session Tuesday night.<BR>It was okay, guess I expected the Magic Answer. Oh well.<P> We filled out personality profiles (Meyers-riggs) and learned our personality types <BR>and talked about how it affects our relationship with each other. <P>Found we are competely different--big surprise, but how the difference affect the <BR>way we communicate and interact with each other and the world.<P>it was interesting to see how Well Allens fit his and how it really<BR>reflected how crappy our relationship had been for the past ten years <BR>(his words)<P> No major revealations really, just basic talk, til I kinda interrupted and<BR> asked: so how do we figure out if we even Want the marriage? It would be so<BR>much easier to bail and take the knowledge and information we have gained<BR> and start over without all the baggage we have now.<P><BR>He agreed it would be easier to bail and that is what we need to figure<BR> out...that for now don't think of it as "marriage" therapy but making <BR>a better "you" and how we relate to people.<P><BR>That sounds like he is anti-marriage but he isn't he was just answering my question.<P>So we will spend time finding out things about ourself that could "annoy"<BR>our spouse and how to modify that. We go back in two weeks...<P>Asked how we were communicating and interacting..I said avoidance <P>and that every conversation goes back to the affair or divorce. No advice there from him.<P>Said I had "good body language" with Allen--looking at him when he was<BR>talking etc...<P>I didn't say "well, that is common courtesy to look at the person who is talking" plus...heck what else is there to look at? LOL <BR>and we do wonderful putting on the happy face...next time I will remember to <BR>be a non-responsive b!tch kidding! <P>Course,,,,he didn't say the same for Allen who pretty much avoided looking at me ?? Hmmmmm<P>

Cat and Allen,<P>Is this counselor practicing "Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy"?<BR>(I've just read... part of.. Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis)...<P>I think the Harley's use this kind of therapy as well... (as best you can on a phone)...<P>Instead of just looking at where you've been... there is almost always some "solutions" to try out right away...<BR>...it can avoid the stagnation effect of a 2 week lay away from the counseling session.<P>"Change is good" (even if it is a counselor)<BR>Just a thought.<P> <P>Jim

Caterpillar,<P>I agree with Jim. We did this kind of personality typing 9 years ago at the beginning of our marriage. We knew how different we were... <P>We have been in counselling with Jennifer Harley and I believe we are recovering because of the hard work we've done with her as our coach.<P>Now that we are more comfortable with each other we talk to her on a speaker phone, but at the beginning one would leave the room and allow the other to have one on one time.

Just a little observation about the "looking at someone while they speak". I've been reading a book title "You Just Don't Understand", sorry don't remember the author. She make the point, over 100s of pages that men and women communicate differently.<P>Specific to your comment women will always look at a speaker, men in conversation will often angle their chairs ways from each other and avoid eye contact while making a statement. This, according to this book, shows up in kids as young as 2nd grade.<P>My point is don't read too much into what may be just a different comminication style.<P>A lot of what she said made sense based on my experience with my brothers and sisters.<P>Take care always.

Hi cat,<BR> I find the part you talk about the MAgic answer very interesting because it was exactly what my H expected ( although he knew it wasn't realistic ) from his first counseling session <P>I'll write more later, I just remembered it as I read your post.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat