H got home from work at 11:30 last night and woke me up to tell me he was leaving again. He just can't be without the "love of his life". But he promises not to move her down here "right away". Needless to say, I've called my shrink. I am feeling myself spiral right back into that pit of despair. Do you know how much I pray for a car accident? For an outbreak of plague? Anything. I guess I'm just not good enough anymore. I don't know what to do. I hate this so much. I'm sitting here at work and I can't even function. He asked if he could stay until today. Guess he can't wait to get on with his new life. If only I had never been a part of his. I wish I had never met him. God, I just want to die! I hate feeling like this.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>((((((((((HUGS))))))))))<P>You will be ok. You have to remember that you are good enough and he's the one with the problem right now. To him it seems real but his thinking is clouded by fantasy.<P>Prayers for strength to you,<BR>Mitzi

K7,<BR>Stay strong, you're not to blame for this, it is no fault of yours that your H is still in Fantasy Land.<BR>Living out his wildest dreams, but I guess that reality will come crashing down hard on him sooner or later.<P>Do make the appointment with the "shrink" and try to figure out a strategy for surviving this terrible ordeal, and getting yourself in a better shape, whether your H wakes up or not.<BR>Right now your top priority should be working on yourself in order to feel better and prepare you for the coming emotional chaos.<P>Please check in here to cry, to vent, to get sympathy, a helping hand or somebody that will listen, we're here for you.<P>I will pray for you and your kids.

Keri<BR>I am very, very sorry that you are in such pain. You don't deserve this!!!<P>It is not you, it is him. Repeat, it is him.<P>With or without him, you and your kids have lots of good times ahead. Sometimes the only way to get to the good stuff is to doggedly keep slogging through the bad. Pray, keep your chin up, and hang on!!!<P>Hugs--<BR>Kathi

{{{{{{{{{{Keridwen}}}}}}}}}},<P>I am <B>so</B> sorry he is doing this to you again...<P>Please... please... do call your doctor immediately!<P>Keep on posting all day if you have to.<P>Take some time for yourself...<BR>Do things for you...<BR>You can prove to yourself... <B>YOU ARE IMPORTANT</B>!<P>Him leaving is NOT your fault...<BR>He is weak...<BR>You can learn to be stronger... and all here at the forum will help you!!!<P>NEVER... EVER... say "I'm just not good enough anymore."... <B>YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON</B>... and you know how I know that... you came here and you posted!<P>You are hurting... damn it if you weren't!!!<P>Try and take your mind off of the negative...<BR>NO MORE... "If only I had never been a part of his (life)."<BR>NO MORE... "I wish I had never met him."<BR><B>ESPECIALLY</B> NO MORE... "God, I just want to die!"<P>Plan A... Plan B... is doesn't matter what you call it... they are all really other names for <B>builing YOU</B>!<P>Catch your breath...<BR>Get that medical attention right away...<P>Keep in touch!!!<P>Hey...<BR>I know you haven't heard this said too often... but... <B>YOU ARE LOVED</B>...<BR>...so don't leave us!<P> <P>Jim

Keri:<P>I am so sorry to hear this. I wish I could come over to your house and give you a big hug and just take all the hurt away.<P>May I recommend the book "Hind's Feet on High Places: An Allegory Dramatizing the Journey Each of Us Must Take Before We Can Live in 'High Places.'" It won't take away your pain, but if you are a Christian it will help you cope as you go through these tough times and help you to know that even when you feel alone you are loved.<P>Hang in there. We're all pulling for you. --HBC<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited April 06, 2000).]

(((Keri)))<BR>Boy, have I been there - thinking suicide, wished I'd never met him... One day in the middle of all of that nasty stuff I just gave it up to God. I told him I was too little to have to worry about h, & that I was leaving it to Him. I started working on my life & doing the things I wanted to do (never thinking divorce- my religion doesn't allow, just "fixing" myself) & I think h began to see how happy & worry free I was. I told him he could come back (this was pre-MB) but no sex until he definately broke it off w/OW - he could sleep on couch like a friend. Take care of yourself first - then work on your marriage. <BR>I'm now to the place where I'm so glad I met him. Either way it turns out, take care of you. If you do, anything good that happens is just the icing on the cake, anything bad is like a mosquito - you can squash it like a bug!!! Kallie

Keri,<P>Oh, my sister in pain and frustration. My heart goes out to you.<P>Let me repeat what others have said already: IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS HIM. You <B>ARE</B> worthy, you <B>ARE</B> deserving of love. And no, you <B>DON'T</B> deserve this kind of treatment.<P>Your H is so weak - he runs down the path of least resistance rather than face up to his troubles. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you are unworthy.<P>You are getting great advice from everyone here. Tyr to put aside your pain - become numb to it. You can't change your H. But you can decide to change you. How you react, how far you let yourself fall into depression.<P>Don't dwell it will drag you down into despair. Allow yourself a certain amount of time for self-pity every day, and then move on to do something else. Exercise is good. It helps you feel better about yourself.<P>Most of all Keri, remember that WE care about you - even though we are anonymous strangers. We are your brothers and sisters in this struggle and you can always come to us for help. <B>You are not alone.</B><P>If you feel suicidal again, PLEASE get help right away. Call your shrink, call 911 - don't give in to despair. I'm sure it all seems hopeless now, but it isn't. You CAN get through this.<P>Keep talking to us....<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

I'm so sorry, Keridwen. He's a jerk. I do know how you feel, I've sat many days at my store with a horrible pile up of work and just vegged...and cried...and prayed. Still do some days, but it is better to let it out and experience the grief than to bottle it up.<P>I echo the others. Call the therapist, call a friend, see a friend. You just can't do anything about your H's actions. Hopefully someday he will be as sorry as Guard appears to be...for me it seems it came too late...<P>You have to take care of YOU, even when your heart is aching and you'd much rather throw up.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

H just called me. I told him to get out today and I want NO CONTACT with him whatsoever. He says he doesn't understand this and I said it was for my own protection. He says he doesn't understand why we can't just be good friends. I told him I just can't do that. It's too painful. He said he won't be able to keep up his end of visitation until he finds a place...I said he had to. Even if he has to rent a motel room for the weekend he is going to share in this. I cannot be full time parent every single day. He won't move out of his mom and dad's anyway. He doesn't have the money. Then he asked if I was filing for divorce or should he. I said it really doesn't matter. I don't have the money to anyway. I just want it over with. I don't have the strength to go on. At least with a divorce I can have some feeling of closure. Maybe I can take out a loan from my credit union. Do they let you do things like that? Take out loans for divorces? I'm sorry to be such a cry-baby today but I just can't seem to stop crying. I never wanted this for my life. Thanks for your help guys.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri,<P>I'm so sorry that your H is hurting you. He is a weak person. Please do not allow his bad decisions and horrid behavior to be a reflection of your self worth.<P>Just you being on this forum, shows what a loyal and loving person you are. You are willing to fight for your marriage and you don't run away from problems.<P>If your H is going to make this lousy decision, then you can't do anything to force him to stay. I think that the best revenge is to live your life to its fullest.<P>Start doing things for yourself. You certainly deserve to be loved and pampered. Who better to do this but yourself! Do it for you.<P>As I said earlier, DO NOT allow your H's crappy behavior and stupid decisions to affect your self worth!<P>You are a gem. Don't forget that!

WOW, you certainly learn fast K7! I think what you told H was GREAT! I think he needs to see you be STRONG! A lot of people here have said that when we cry, beg or show weakness it is considered a LB. But when we do the PLAN B and show how strong we can be and continue to live on WITHOUT them, it somehow awakens something inside them and they start to regret not having us in their lives. Cry, vent, scream but NOT AROUND H. Do it all here or at home with no one around. hugs & kisses

((((((K7)))))), ((((((Ima))))))).<P>You are feeling like you aren't worth it? Are you nuts? Nevermind. It's pretty obvious that's H is the one who is truly Coo Coo Bananas here. <P>Cry. Hit pillows. Vent here. Talk to your Doc often. You will get through this Keri. You've already travelled such a long, long road. Keep looking for the rainbow. You know it is out there.<P>Feel free to e-mail me any time you like, even if your intentin is to seek directions for K7 to get Ima up North. Will that be Cinnamon or jam? Nevermind, Ima's choices will be different than K7's. Different, better choices!<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa<P>L_I_S_A_M@yahoo.com

Keri:<P>I think that was just the perfect thing to tell your H! Take care of yourself first and let him know that you are!<P>As far as how to pay for a divorce, why not let him lead on that one? That way you don't have to worry with it for now and the onus will be on him to take care of that. Just take care of today.<P>More hugs to you. Stay strong! --HBC

Keridwen,<P>I just wanted to let you know I've followed your story and I truely feel for you. The advice you are getting is great. Start thinking about you. I can tell you that when I made that decision, the pain she (W) was inflicting on me lessened and I was able to "turn the corner" so to speak. You may not believe its possible right now, but when it happens for you it will feel like a 100# weight has been lifted off your head.<P>One more thing, you can take a loan from a credit union for a divorce. At least thats what I did. I was very honest with them and there was no problem. It never hurts to ask.<P>Keep your chin up.<BR>Brent

Hang in there Keri.<BR> You can work on yourself, now. Husband is living in la-la land, don't beat yourself up, ok?<BR> Now, here's your new mantra: "His loss." Sooner or later, he will realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Until that time, if it ever comes, you work on *you*. Your children need you to be strong for them... don't forget that they are hurting, too.<BR> I'll be thinking about you and sending prayers for you.<BR> (((((((((((((Keri)))))))))))cyber hugs from RI,<BR> Mynabird

<B>{{{{{{KERI}}}}}}}</B><P>I fully understand the agonizing pain you are feeling. The others have given you some great advice, and I agree with them. It is his loss. You are a strong, loyal, kind wife and he will be sorry one day he gave up. Staying tough and sticking to Plan B will help you stay sane though. <P>No contact whatsoever with my H during the 1st six weeks of our separation helped me get through life. I was amazed that after he left I didn't miss him, and was able to be happy and do things that I had always wanted to but couldn't because of my H's behavior and attitude. In fact, my H made the comment right before we got back together that it bothered him that I didn't miss him, and was going on with my life without him. He had been asking some of my friends how I was doing, and was I happy, etc. and they told him I seemed to be doing great and was happy without him. <P>So, do take this time if he does leave to do all those things for yourself that you've been putting off. I spent too much money though, went shopping, bought new clothes, had facials (they are wonderful) and manicures, spent lots of time with my grown daughter. I even was happy to work real late one night and didn't have to worry about getting in trouble with H for it! <P>Keri, you will be in my prayers. Keep coming here, there are so many encouraging people here who will lift you up. <P>Blessings,<BR>AW<BR>

K7,<P>I truly feel for your situation right now, and know that you're probably going through He!!, however, from former posts on this board I've seen cases where you can get royally screwed by the legal system in some states,<BR>if your H decides to play nasty. It seems that some states grants temporary custody of the kids to whoever files for divorce first, and at least until a settlement is reached. Your first and foremost job right now should be to<BR>protect you and your kids, and I advice that you seek legal advice or aid, to discover what your rights are and if there could be nasty surprises down the road.<BR>Stay ahead and don't get caught on a bad leg in this... See NSR's great archive of wisdom and look under <B>Legal Support</B>.<BR>The link is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>notable threads</A><P>You are still in my prayers, and the best of hopes your way.