Things this week have been pretty good. My W has been all smiles and somewhat affectionate towards me. She has actually initiated some hugs and even a small kiss or two.<P>So why is it that I cannot get more excited about this???? It makes me feel really good at the time, but only adds to my depressed feelings later. I feel terrible that I cannot accept this and feel good about it.<P>I guess in the back of my mind I know this is most likely only temporary. I am very afraid to lift up my spirits and then have them shot down a day or two later. I always have this feeling that my W is just trying to put up a "smoke screen" or something like that. <P>For those that have "made it", how do you get past that???? How do you know when the actions of the WS are really sincere???? <P>I think my W has not contacted the OM in a week or so. I think she is really trying, but she has not given me confirmation that she is trying for "no contact." <P>Anyway...any thoughts, advice, pep talks, etc. would be greatly appreciated!!!<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Doug,<P>I know what you mean about the getting your hopes up and then having them dashed. I think of it as a skeet shoot. LOL there's an image for you. Imagine your hope as a clay pigeon. It gets loaded and the shooter yells "PULL!" You're flying through the air, getting some affection, enjoying the ride, then all of the sudden, "BANG!" She blows you out of the sky.<P>The question is do you gather yourself together for another ride or not? I've been up and down and blown to pieces so many times, I've lost count. What is important is to realize it is a roller coaster, ups and downs are part of it all. Just enjoy the ups as long as they last and use those good feelings to temper the down feelings.<P>Hope has to spring eternal in these cases, because once you lose it, I imagine it is impossible to get back. I've been dangerously close several times, and I'm close now, but I still have it. So let your spirits fly now and remember them in the down times. Most of all, be cool and Plan A your butt off. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Kinda:<BR> Sounds normal to me. You are just guarding your feelings. If she keeps this up for a while you will feel more positive.<BR> After my H and I were having more and more good time, and less and less bad, one day I told him one day that I felt like I was falling back "in-love" with him, and that it scared me a little. It led to a good discussion.<BR> Hang in there--sounds like theings are progressing. They don't just "snap back" instantly...it is a lot of little steps (and some of those are sideways if not even backwards!!!)<P>Kathi<BR>

Kindablue<P>I know just what you are saying. I've asked my H to stop telling me he loves me because I know he loves the OW more than me. And when he touches me, I wonder if it is she he wishes to be touching or are the touches really intended for me.<P>What you and I both feel I believe is normal. As another post said, our guards are up and I would add that we don't know what is "real" anymore.<P>One thing is for sure, there is no way to love someone and not put ourselves at risk of getting hurt. Be it the WS or a new love. That's what loving is, taking the chance and going for it.<P>Maybe on her down days, try to keep in your mind why it is that she is down. I know my H had just been really good to me for a couple of days, and caused me to feel like "oh God don't do this to me!" because it scared me to trust in how he made me feel..then a bad day followed and he began talking divorce to me. <P>Initial reaction was the feeling of being blown away because of the previous days' behavior...but then I realized, he's going through withdrawal and some days are going to be harder than others and this is one of them. <P>So rather than reacting to what he said I handled the situation in such that I addressed what he was feeling, not what he was saying...because he was saying things as a result of what he was feeling...and he chose to be honest in order to reach out to me. And by the next morning he was totally fine again.<P>Yes there are highs and lows but in truth, the lows are a good sign. If my H were "high" all the time I would know that he wasn't working on us or dealing with what he had done. The low is a result of his conscience...proof that he actually has one despite my doubts! ;-)<P>Hang in there...it's a wild ride but should be well worth it in the end!

Sparkydog--<P>Great analogy!!! Ever thought of writing for a living? <BR>I know what you mean about losing hope. I seem to get closer and closer each time the downs roll around. I tried something the counselor told me to do...I wrote down all the good things that my W has done for me. So next time there is a down, I will go back and read them...hopefully it will help!<P>I T H --<P>The hard part about all of this is that my W has not told me that she loves me since November or so. Our sex life has been nonexistent since that same time. I think there was a time when she could not even touch me, not even a hug. I'm not sure what this is all about, maybe guilt?? At least you have heard your H say that to you during all of this. I guess I'll take the small steps as they come and try to enjoy them.<P>Thanks for the advice/pep talk! I really needed it!!<P>Doug<BR>