My husband of 16 years had an affair with my best friend of 24 years who also happens to be my brothers wife. I discovered the affair 2 years ago and I am still having a hard time dealing with the whole mess. After I discovered the affair, I asked him to stop seeing her and he had agreed to do that. I found out it didnt stop and only got more intense. It seemed to be a game to them to see if I would catch them. This went on for another year in which I did file for divorce. When he was served with the papers, he was devastated. He begged me to work on the marriage, which I agreed to do. Now, I find myself with a wonderful husband again, but I am stuck in the betrayal. I just dont think he really understands how much this has hurt me. I find myself wanting to make him hurt as much as I do. And as for the other woman, she is still in the family which makes family gatherings real tense. Any ideas on how to heal the hurt and the need to get even, and how to heal the family in general?

Welcome <B>mzbehave</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>About your post...<P>You may want to check out <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A>...<BR>It is a hard step to forgive...<BR>...but an important one to be able to move on!<P> <P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>... and work through recovery using <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>The book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> will help you the most... initially.<P>Jim

I feel stuck in the betrayal right now too. But we are in "recovery", both of us committed to making this work.<P>I don't think it can be done without living by Harley's four rules in the SAA book Jim mentioned. My h is now totally open about everything, we must enthusiastically agree on any actions we take, we are working to better meet each other's needs and not love bust.<P>Still there are so many triggers...<P>And it wasn't family for me. I would find it difficult to have any contact, but you have to consider the relationship with your brother. As for family gatherings, I realized one day I could say no, and I never go anymore.

mzbehave,<P>I have two pieces of advice for you. <P>1. Realize that there is no way on God's green Earth, that he will ever understand the depth of your pain. So you can forget him ever really understanding that.<P>You must understand that the pain is personal and even if you try and hurt him you are really only hurting yourself. As your H matures and grows up he will get glimpses of what he has done to you from many sources. He has also lost something, that will be very important to him as life moves on: your trust and blind love. <P>You can make a better marriage than you had, but you cannot make him feel what you feel. <P>2. Go over to the recovery section and read "Joe in TX's" post on his dealing with betrayal by his wife and best friend. His way of dealing with it may not suit you but you will have your eyes open to another approach to this very deep issue.<P>Good luck and<P>God Bless,<P>JL