Help!! My wife told me (on January 2 -- Happy New Millenium!!) about her affair with a man she works with. She said she wanted to stay together and work it out. But now after months of pain and anger, and finally getting to the point of forgiving her, she has pulled away, and is unable to display any emotion towards me -- no affection -- says her love for me is almost gone -- but still wants to stay together for the sake of the kids (ages 4 and 6). SHe just wants to be "normal", and see if her love for me returns. But she is still working with him, and just changed her schedule so they work together one night per week (TONIGHT!!!) and close their place of business together. I can't take it anymore!!! I'm thinking of giving an ultimatum -- quit the job, or we are divorced. HELP!!!

Breathe!!!!<P>HOLD ON!!!!<P>I know how you feel! Read the Basic Concepts - Re: Infidelity. So much good information!<P>Have you tried plan A yet?

Yes, I've read the basic concepts, and I guess I am in Plan A -- but this is too much!!! How can I keep giving and giving and giving, when she gives NOTHING in return, no affection, no love, no understanding of the difficulties that result from her working with him, no understanding or acknowledgement of the PAIN that this man who has had such an intense emotional and physical relationship with my wife is walking around in close proximity to her every day!!! I can't stand it!!!!

Actually, this is so typical it's not funny. There are a lot of us out here whose spouse had a work-related affair. Having gone through this, no it won't work while they are still working together. That's why she is pulling away from you. Every time she sees him, it reignites the flames even if they don't speak. If she really wants to reconcile, she needs to be away from the mere sight of him. Now getting your spouse to do this is tricky and I don't have a clue on how to do that successfully. Mine eventually took another job, but it didn't matter because they were still in contact with e-mail, and now he's living with her.<P>ANY contact AT ALL will not let the affair die. Every book I've got on the subject says so. If you read How to Survive An Affair, there are suggestions on how to handle it but it is really hard to do. You could let the affair die naturally, but who knows how long that could take and unfortunately the marriage dies first sometimes. Just don't jump to any actions! Only ask for a divorce when you are ready for it, otherwise you will regret it the rest of your life. When I found out that was the first thing I did, ran to a lawyer. He talked me out of it, said if I filed then without even giving the marriage a try I'd hate myself forever. I have filed since but I had to know for sure and that took time. It's hard because when you go through a spouses infidelity, time moves more slowly and days become years.<P>Give it time. It's hard to separate the adulterers but it doesn't happen overnight. Just keep posting here because you'll find so many people who have "exactly the same story" as you who can help you cope and maybe survive.

Hi DD -<P>Take some more deep breaths...<P>Since you are obviously on the edge here with your emotions....perhaps the best thing to begin with is to give Steve Harley a call..<P>He can explain things and calm you enough to understand what must be done right away....then you can have some calmness and patience about what needs to be done.<P>A plan is sometimes enough to allow us to keep it together until our spouses come around....<P>Please call Steve....He really will help you!!! You are not alone and your situation is very common - that is why Steve and MB are so great....it's based on proven methods for rebuilding based on thousands of couples and years of experience in working with them for the Harley family.<P>Make the call.<P>BIG HUGS - you can get through this!!<P>Sheba

Insult to injury. My wife just called from work, and was speaking to our son (age 6). She put him on hold to speak with someone, and somehow he got transferred to "the man". TThe guy started striking up a conversation wwith him until I grabbed the phone, at which point he transferred me to my wife. Later, I asked my son if he knew who he was talking to -- he said yes, and gave the guys name, and then said that he had met him before. How can I tolerate such a private, intense, violation of everything that is dear to me?

I'm sorry! That is really bad. Thank God my H never involved my children with the person he's involved with. Even now, when he lives with her, they still have never seen this person or met her because he visits them here at my home. Actually, in my divorce papers I specified that he couldn't have visitations with her around or any other unmarried persons he's dating or is living with. Your wife is gonna mess that baby's head up (I say baby because my little ones will always be my babies until they are even 80-year old men if I'm still alive).<P>I really hope you can pull this together. Please do something productive and don't let the anger eat you up. Calling Harley is a great idea. I did - and it did help for a little while. I just think since my H had been doing this from the beginning of our marriage that it became a normal thing for him to screw around (I don't know what planet I was living on!). In most marriages there are better chances to be helped by Harley's methods.<P>The funny thing is that I know my H is USING the OW for a place to stay because he can't afford to get his own and still pay these bills. He has been having a sporadic sex thing with a woman named Robin from a long time ago, who I think is who he really wants to get back to which means the current OW is going to get burned. OH WELL! She'll get what she deserves, and I'll just wait and watch him get his too. The reason I know he wants to get back to Robin?...I'm sitting here at his computer and have pulled every last damning piece of evidence out of it I could get my hands on. Of course, this has nothing to do with your situation, I'm sorry.<P>You have my best wishes for more success than I've had. I tried my hardest and was spit on. But if you take Harley's advice, I know there are an awful lot of success stories out there, so keep posting, reading and lurking. God bless.<BR>

OK, thanks everybody -- sorry I posted when I was so distraught -- I have taken a few more deep breaths, and am ready to face another day. You're right though, days go awfully slowly. At least when my wife got home from work I didn't have an angry outburst...<P>Thanks again...

Just another word of encouragement...there are a lot of us out here who are all too familiar with the "zone" you're in. Just take it a day at a time...try not to obsess over the OM. I know that's hard, but remember your W married you, had a child with you, and you still have the advantage here.<BR>This forum has been a God-send to me. Visit it often and draw strength from the wise counsel and encouragement of people who care. I'll be keeping you in prayer.

DD,<BR>I'm sorry you are going through this. You have found the right place for support and advice, and we welcome you.<P>If you didn't have kids, I would be positive that you were my X's OW's H (is that confusing or what?).<P>My X works w/ OW... he to this day denies anything other than "friendship", and I have no proof of a <I>physical</I> affair. But, X was/is OW's boss, they work in a bar setting... he started staying later and later at work... then going out drinking "with the guys"... driving to the town he works on his day off to have lunch with her... etc.... etc.... then was staying out until 4 or 5 am. The worked 4 or 5 days a week together for at least part of the day, then waited around for each other when one got off work first... and on and on ...<P>Well, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone here. <B>DON'T</B> threaten Divorce unless you are <B>positive</B>, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is what you want... that you have done all you can to save your marriage. Plan A as much and as long as you can.... suggest that you W change jobs (this is extreamly important).<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you.<BR>Butterfly<BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Welcome <B>DD</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>BTW: You are not <B>in Plan A</B>...<BR>You <B>do</B>... Plan A...<P>Read as much as you can...<BR>Get the book...<BR>Post...post...post...<P> <P>Jim

DD,<P>Ouch! I feel for you friend. Learning that your son knows this guy must be the worst!<P>I can only repeat everyone else's advice: do Plan A. I will emphasize that both of you must do it. Print out the material so your wife can read it so she will understand why she must cease ALL CONTACT with the OM if the marriage is to have any chance.<P>Good luck,<BR>Kenneth

I have no real advice, just my own misery to keep you company. My wife has not yet decided if she wants out totally or will try to reconcile. She only wants, right now, to separate for a period of time (not yet determined) to allow her to "clear her head". I am totally in Plan A right now and will continue (it's real hard sometimes) for a while (like 5 more months or so) and if at that time, since we'll likely already be separated, Plan A fails, it looks like I'll have no other option but divorce. However, I expect that if we go that way, she will initiate it long before 5 months have elapsed. I still have faith in Plan A since if we do fail, I'll know that I have tried everything in my power to make amends. There's only so much you have control over and I will be able to live with myself knowing I did my best. That's the funny thing about this. If you do work things out, it's because YOU put a tremendous effort into it and she will reap the benefit.<P>Keep posting here. It always makes me feel better when I do.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]