If you read my other posts you'll see my H has been having an affair with OW from abroad since Sept/99.... I believe he hasn't seen her since Oct/99(but what do I know !!)<BR>I know they still have phone/letter/card contact. Here is my question.<P>He states that his heart isn't in the right place... that if he is with me intimately, its just a physical thing....should I initiate intimaacy... or wait for him.... I know he is a physical person... likes to be hugged etc..... I just don't know what to do.....help...s

scoick,<P>If it is a need of yours...<BR>...let your H know that it is!<BR>...and continue... <P>If it is being taken as a Love Buster...<BR>...then you have to address that.<P>Depending on how open your communications is, it would be helpful for you to express as much of your honest feelings to him. <P>If it is depositing love units... keep it up.<P> <P>Jim

Until i made the NO Contact Rule the exact thing that it means NO CONTACT at all, no letters, phone calls, cards ect, i was unable to have any feeling at all for my H. NONE!! <P>It has only been one week since the last contact. since the mailed the letter day. I am finally feeling love for my H again. I am able to receive love from him.<P>I could not handle any physical anything form him. No hugs kisses certainly not anything sexual.<P>I am not sure if any relationship can heal with contact with OP. I know it cannot. But you continue with Plan A. It will work! I know it does!<P>Mercy

Dear Scoick:<P>I heard the same thing. His head was at home but I kept also hearing about his damn aching heart. I was so sick of it.<P>Anyway, I kept the intimacy because it seemed to be a stronger need than ever for me (maybe to have some sort of comfort from him, even tho he was causing my pain). The problem is I ended up with herpes. He denies it and left me anyway in February after all my effort with Plan A. Now he's become a quite nasty person and won't give me money for support, etc.<P>Be careful being intimate with a spouse who may be doing this with someone else (someone who you don't know and don't know where they've been). If he says it's only physical, I can tell you from experience that it'll make you feel worse afterwards because your heart will yearn for normalcy and love and it won't be there. You WILL feel used and cry even harder. It's a trap we fall into. In my case, sex was a big thing for my H and right now he is out there sex-binging. After we had kids and were married for 13 years, it just isn't the same as when we were younger and that's what he wants. When this all happened, I wanted so much to please him at home and take that away from the OW but it just doesn't work that way - and now I have an STD that won't go away. In fact, before I found out this is what I had, I had transferred it to my face, and then my children had blisters on their faces (I kiss them goodnight-well, all the time actually- and think I transferred it to them unknowingly). Thank God it cleared up kind of, but I think now my oldest may have touched his face and then his own genitals! He's having problems. I feel like I want to die and wish I had never accepted my H back into our bed. I don't care for myself, even tho it cuts back on my chances to even be married again, but my children!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT, it's too much emotional pain to know they might have gotten this. The doctor says it's not likely, but all I know is that my 8 year-old has pain there and it looked to me like there was a blister. All this for the selfish sex-driven lust of their father.<P>Just be smart, he might not have used protection if he was physical with the OP and there is a lot of stuff out there.

I know exactly where you're at. My H says the same thing, and hasn't initiated intimacy for nearly a year (since his EA and PA with OW). It's almost as though he doesn't want to betray her. Twisted, huh?<BR> Although I miss this desperately, I'm not sure I could handle it as long as he still has contact w/OW. He says he stopped the "romantic" part a couple months ago, but I know they are still seeing and calling each other occasionally.<BR> Have committed to Plan A since reading SAA a few weeks ago, and I see some positive fruit whenever I can stick with it. <BR> I think you have to use your own discernment on initiating anything. I've responded only when my H makes a move toward me. Maybe I should be more assertive at this point...I don't know. He used to be so expressive, making this all hurt so much more. This person is NOT the person I married! I just pray for the strength to hang in there until he comes around. I'm starting to check out the "scenery"....<BR> Seriously, try to touch whenever you can...in a non-sexual way. Perhaps a backrub or foot massage. <BR> Hang in there...we're going to make it!<BR>

Well, I attempted intimacy and here is what happen..........<P>He said he wanted to "rest"<P>States that due to his feelings of guilt, and the fact that I get mixed messages from that.. He feels its not a good Idea... I asked him if it was also due to his feelings for the other person... and he said " no"... He did talk with my neighbor about our situation last sunday... he said that the relationship with the OP isn't the same as it was.... but did talk of divorce... I really don't know what to do at this point... do I continue to try and get close to him, or what... I had a session with Steve Harley on Friday.... I'm going to try and get my H to talk to him.... don't know if this will work or not. But we'll see....<P>My H is so very distant with me.... I wonder if I'm loosing ????....s