Ok, so the affair is over, but he is living away from me, went through hell...we are apart, but talking (on the phone) I am in counseling, working my butt off (feel depressed, angry and intermittently like I am going crazy), family is huritng and trying there utmost best to set up my new home ect...I see the pain in their faces when i am still sad and angry (although Itry to be upbeat for them) when they come over with blankets, new little things for the house ect....My mother actual slept in the bed with me the othjer night....I felt nurtured that she was here doing ehr best, we are very close, but wierd and like a loser (my mothers here where the hell is H? I felt pathetic) and then I am trying to call him and be "nice" and deposit love units...but he doesn't wnat to talk about anything but like the "weather" type stuff,....any show of anger or pain pushes him away...(how frustrating) them he is "dating" (ie( sex with no attachment, tels me he loves me and is not in a "relationship" with anyone else. doesn't "want" a realtionship after his "affair " ending too pianful (I tell myself this is withdrawal, buthello what about me? ) and he has kind of agreed to meet me in counseling next week...but then I think I am so lonely, I hurt so much, I am so psycholigical injured, should I just "cut him off" I am the one doing all of the work, although he seems to be wanting to come back and talk when I am "ok" not freaking out...*sigh* but he has such power to hurt me even in the smallest of let downs and words...and yet he seems to be clueless....here I am on Fri night trying to repair our marriage and he is probablly going on a date..am I nuts? Where is my self respect or is he just in denial and I am trying to bring him around and being weak by wanting to give up or should I preserve myself...he is the one who abandoned me...I feel like he is ill, he feels "justified" (how sick...) anyway...should I wash my hands ? Am I just afraid of facing the pain of reality that he is never coming back, but if that was so why would he want to go to the counseling....I hope you guys have some input becasue I am at my limit...he hung up and said "i'll talk to you soon ..." and then called me by my first NAME! UGH! I think you know what I mean we only ever had pet names...O h God, I want to run way..am I being weak,,should I try or am I setting myself up for more destruction? Than k you...

hello joesbestfriend,<P>I don't really have too many words of wisdom for you, but wanted to reply to your pain.<P>First, your mother: <B>what a sweetie!</B> To sleep with you and hold you when your hurting is special indeed. I think you are blessed there. Not pathetic at all.<P>Your being the only one to work at the marriage. Geez, it seems like that's the way it is around here. My house too. One works hard, the other doesn't. One deposits love units, the other makes withdrawls. In some cases around here, one has been doing it alone the whole time. I don't know how they do it. Strength, and time, time, time. That's what it takes.<P>I also know what you mean about the pet names. My H and I said "I love you" at the end of every phone call for 18 years - until this year! Blech!<P>I just wanted you to know you aren't alone here... take care tonight.<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

Hi JBF -<P>You're going through a very traumatic time....there may never be anything as painful and earthshattering as this has been!!<P>Your feelings are normal for the situation and they will go back and forth from angry to sad to hurt to prideful, etc.<P>The most important question to answer right now is Do you love your husband?<P>If you do then you will learn all about Infidelity and the process that your H might go through and that you will go through...<P>TIME AND PATIENCE are essential!!!<P>Counseling is fantastic and make sure you see results with this counselor..<P>If you don't feel any progress is occurring then find another!!!<P>Most importantly, use this time of your H's confusion to take a good long look at yourself.....figure out who you are, what you want and how you can improve yourself and the marriage.<P>IF you waste this time with confused thought dwelling and become stagnant and dependent on H's words or actions, you will stay in this hopeless state and depression will set in.....<P>We don't want to see that!!!<P>Your H is confused.....there is nothing that you can do except improve yourself, don't LB and be the woman you want to be!!<P>He has to work through whatever demons are inside of him.....you can't control that. Don't even try!!!<P>You also should not let foolish pride or anguish rule your decisions....<P>There are threads on this site about stages of the feelings that you will go through....look for them. There are also ones called the Forgiveness Workbook and those are very good to aid you in taking that good look at yourself!<P>We are all here for each other and will help with all we can!!!<P>So, use this time...learn about this and let yourself heal!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Listen to me... If your H is willing to go to counceling, you do have a chance... not many leavers are willing to work at it in any form... You are lucky that way... My ex does not talk to me at all since he left a yr ago... (I got him to meet me a few times in the very beginning, but as usual I did all the talking.. hadn`t read DB yet..) but I had non of the chances that you do.. I had no phone calls.. I had no contact.. nothing... this is such an opportunity for you both... so grab it.. and make the best of it... take every chance you can.. if you really want him back... <P>You are assuming he is dating.. (It is *so* totally possible you are wrong..) you are paniKing, and irrationalizing from a stressed out mind... you need to calm down, and try doing a real 180, and (look) to him like you are feeling much better and going to move on with your life, with or with out him... They all know just how to push our buttons, and it is hard to deal with most of the time.. I know... but we all need to take everything they do or say, lightly.. and not let them get to us.. If he sees you handling things better, or differently, he will wonder "why is she acting like this" and "why doesn`t it bother her any more..." If he even *thinks* there could possibly be another interest in mind, (just a suggestion..) by you not being so available to him, he *will wonder* I am not saying go out and find another SO, not in any way, but by not being around as much for him to get in contact with you, *HE WILL WONDER* It is all what you make of it.. be one step ahead of him, for once.. let him see you happy, smiling, keeping busy, but still attentive in a small way, not a big way... be there for him *here and there* but do not be there for him all/every time... let him wonder where, and who you are with, and what you are doing... <P>I know this sounds like such a game.. but in a way it is.. and we have to be the better players... the smarter players.. this is why we come here, for info, on what to do... these are my suggestions... you do what you think is best for you... in my case nothing was going to work... he had left me mentally yrs ago, but I had no idea.. Your H, is seeing you all out of wack, totally loosing it, and unfortunatly, that is not what he wants to come back to... beleive me.. Let him hear from freinds, that they saw you out and you are looking good and seem happier.. <P>I hope I gave you something to think about...<BR>good luck to you... <P>AV<BR>

Thank you friends for replying, it is so nice to log on and find that you have support and people are out there and and it's not just "me" I saw him briefly last night, I was calm, cool and collected and pleasant, he was agitated, confused and angry, I actuall thought he must be on speed or something as his nature is to be calm and centered and never did any drugs ect...as he was moving around so fast...then he actually "ran" away and drove off really fast irrationally....it was wierd...(and I didn't say anything except I love you very calmly) although I felt like he has lost it somewhere and I was sad about that I have never felt more normal seeing him in that state as I realize I am not in his state anymore...I think reality is hittin ghim and I have been through that already in the past months...so what to do now...has anyone seen their spouse all agitated and confused angry and irratioanl..what is this? Thanks again I love the input and the support, it helps so much! <BR>