Husband took a camping trip with some friends and came back with this idea that rather than having a family vacation late this summer as we had planned that I should go alone with all the kids and he and I should separate Plan B style.<P>Our trip was to return to my country and visit my family whom I haven't seen for two years. It is this same place I would go if he and I divorced.<P>His thought is that if we stop talking to eachother and I am there with the kids and he still in his country that we will each be able to really experience life without one another and better know how we will feel about being without the other as compared to now. <P>He went on to say that even though my plan is to return to my hometown with the children should we divorce, that reality could prove, if we follow his idea for the summer, that I can't live without him and so returning home is no longer an option.<P>What I don't understand is this...it is only early April and I would be going on this trip the end of July. Why does he want to do such an experiment so far off in the future?<P>I think the answer is that he is hoping that because I could realize I can't live without him that just maybe I will return to him and allow him the happiness he needs which is to have these affairs on the side.<P>Our situation right now is that he is suppose to be going through withdrawal and I thought he was but he did not deny it when I told him that he refuses to think any negative thoughts about this woman...suggesting that this statement is indeed true, he only holds good thoughts for her.<P>I got angry when he said all this stuff to me tonight and let him know I thought it was bull. I know ideally I'm suppose to be really tolerant and not love bust but please, at what point am I allowed to be human? Seems he can be "human" enough to compensate for all of mankind but I can't be human just for the sake of me?<P>So after my "honesty" about his "honesty" he says to me "see, I opened up and was honest with you about how I was feeling and like always, you get upset." Well give me a break! The only time he is honest with me is when he is telling me something that gives me no hope! How much can a person take? I even asked him this week if he could just say things to me on occasion that would give me reassurance of his intentions...and this is what he turns around and says? <P>I don't know what to do, what to think or even what to feel anymore. I'm about to deliver my baby any day now and my choices to do anything are really very limited because of this. Still, if I could at least know what to make of all of this.<P>I really feel he has this "plan" for late summer so that I come crawling back after having come to my senses, and will allow myself to self-destruct for his happiness and thus, say to him "have sex with whomever you want, just don't leave me, I can't live without you."<P>So here's a real question for you who have been kind enough to read through this far...how unreal am I to expect him to work on getting over this woman as opposed to simply keeping himself busy and trying to not give in to the temptation to call her? I mean, seems to me he should be forcing out of his head any good thoughts and should be consciously focusing on what was wrong about their relationship, what is "wrong" with her. But he doesn't. And this is really very upsetting.<P>On top of all of this, tonight I found the portable computer he has been using while separated from me. I turned it on to check it's activity and couldn't get signed on so it disabled itself from the system. When I told him I was trying to get on and the disabling, he got irritated with me and even said he "forgot" the password. So there the computer sat, powered up on a battery and disabled, until the juice ran out. Said he didn't know how to work the machine because it was new. Mind you, this man is brilliant with these machines and even for him to forget a password is such bull...much less that latte statement. And then he volunteers this bit of "truth"...but you can look, there is nothing to see...then why won't he enable the machine for me then?<P>I do hope someone can give me some insight on all of this. I'm at my witts end here.

Is there hope?,<P>I went back to you earlier post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002093.html" TARGET=_blank>Need help, about to LB..really scared!</A>...<P>Only you will know when it is time for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<BR>...it sounds like you're close...<P>I do agree with others in the earlier post that MB counseling may be a better alternative... if your current counseling is not productive.<P>Have you checked out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>?<P>I'm praying for you...<BR>...and whatever you choose... <BR>...you'll get support for here!<P> <P>Jim<BR>

Hi "HOPE"<P>You have received a lot of good advise on the other thread that NSR refered to, and not much yet on this one. I want to address only one aspect of the whole situation from my perspective and maybe others will jump in with other good advise.<P>You said...<BR>"he did not deny it when I told him that he refuses to think any negative thoughts about this woman...suggesting that this statement is indeed true, he only holds good thoughts for her." and "seems to me he should be forcing out of his head any good thoughts and should be consciously focusing on what was wrong about their relationship, what is "wrong" with her. But he doesn't. And this is really very upsetting."<P>In this area I am afraid your expectations of him are unrealistic. HE WILL NEVER NOT LOVE THE OW. He will NEVER be able to focus on what was wrong with her because in his deluded mind, the one which was controlling his actions during the affair, NOTHING was wrong with her. To expect this to be his focus during the withdrawal is unrealistic. IMHO. From what Harley says the OW/OM rarely makes withdrawals from the lovebank and when the affair ends "before it dies a natural death" the bank is still full. Your account with him, however, has suffered from both lack of deposits as well as withdrawals made when you LB. The OW is not in a position to LB during his withdrawal from her, but she is also not in a position to make further deposits. Her account in his heart will remain constant. It could gather interest, however, in a fantasy sort of way, as you LB. The job for him during withdrawal is not for him to think bad thoughts about her, but for him to open up to receive good feelings for you. That is what PLAN A is all about. <P>I know it is hard. But if your feelings and actions toward him are not accepting, loving and compassionate at this time he will not open your account to further deposits. His brain is still fried, thus the "vaction/Plan B idea. <P>My advise for what it is worth, is to tell him you don't expect his feelings for the OW to ever change, you accept that there will always be love for her in his heart. However, you believe there is love for you in his heart too, and that if the two of you are to make a future together, which is what you want, then closing the chapter on the OW is required for both of your sakes. <P>When you accept this as a fact, it may become easier for you to really be his "best friend" through his withdrawal. In the meantime, don't just react...ACT. Pull out all stops and put your own needs aside for a while, up to a year or longer! It can be done. If his affair was for as long as two years, his withdrawal could easily take that long, but won't happen at all (he will seek her out again) if there is not a safe, lovinging, accepting and FUN place for him to recover!<P>Oh, and it is not love-busting, in my opinion, to let him know if something he says hurts your feelings as long as you follow the statement with validation of what his feelings are. He may learn to validate and consider your feelings more by the example you give him. <P>I don't know if I explained my thoughts very well here, or even if they address any of your biggest concerns, but maybe something I said stikes a cord with you. Maybe someone else will come along with better advise.<P>Hang in there. Concentrate on a beautiful birthing experience and forget JULY for now. H will be there with you for that won't he. Lot's of good deposits can be made between now and July.<P>Beth<BR>

NSR & Pilot's Wife<P>I thank you for your replies on this subject. I will do as you have states NSR and go back to my other thread and re-read what was written. I've already read the others as well but I'm wondering at this point in time, perhaps reading it again I will get something different out of it. <P>Pilot's Wife...I posted a thread specifically to you in response to what you have written.<P>I thank you both very much.

So.............<BR>where is it? do I get to practice my snooping skills?

Oh wow! Pilot's Wife...I was typing it up still while you were replying to this thread. Hope you come back to look again!