She told him no contact. She asked him not to call on the phone. She ended the affair. I thought "Well at least I can count on her if not my husband...". I can't even count on that anymore. I am sure when Arik reads this he will be upset. "It was just a joke, not a pledge of undying love!!!" But still I feel like I can't even count on her anymore. In the letter she emailed to me a couple of days ago she said she was being 100% honest with her husband. I wonder if she told him about emailing Arik the joke? <P>You all must think I'm crazy; asking him to go away for a few days (especially to the place where they were intimate) but I feel I need the space and he needs to clear his mind and there really is no other place he can go. I just want him to make up his mind once and for all and then go for that whole heartedly. He is a very strong willed person and once he sets his mind on a goal he achieves it. I hope this will help him.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P>

Nicole: This sounds similar to our situation. I Posted "OW trying to weasel her way back in...."<P>The OW in our lives has been physically absent for 9 months. We have moved on to try to rebuild our marriage. Throughout the 9 months, OW has used her best friend to talk to my H to convince him to call OW. He never gave in to that.<P>Since that plan didn't work, just last weekend, OW got my H's work e-mail address from her cousin (who happens to be a OW too). OW e-mailed my H at work. My H responded and e-mailed OW a couple of jokes from our house. I discovered immediately and put a stop to it.<P>I went bolistic when I saw it and all hell broke loose. My H realized how wrong it was and initiated and wrote OW a NO CONTACT LETTER. I wrote her one too.<P>Now, remember, this is OW's attept is occurring 9 months AFTER affair ended. Talk about pathetic!<P>I asked my H, "Didn't he learn from his mistakes? Why respond to her e-mail if he doesn't even like her to begin with...doesn't want to hurt me anymore...etc."<P>His answer was, "He wasn't thinking. Now that he is now, he realizes how bad it was."<P>I swear....I just don't understand this! Sometimes spouses do things that are so mindless disregarding the consequences.<P>Anyway...just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can understand why you asked your H to leave. I didn't do that, but I did give my H the choice to be here with us, or with her. He said that she means nothing to him. He loves me and doesn't want to hurt me anymore.<P>Will your H write the NO CONTACT LETTER to her? I think writing the letter would be different from just saying No Contact.<P>Sorry you have to go through this. I'm dealing with the similar situation and it sure sucks.

Chrissy didn't even place a header on this joke...where is the contact? Other than the fact that it had her name in the "sender" box, it could have been from anyone, not much personal, "anything" here. I can't wait to see how I'm wrong again. Yep, I'm being immature again, I guess. I don't get it.

Why in the world doesn't he have her address blocked? <P>NO CONTACT means no contact. <P>I'm not in a very good mood tonight, so I may not be as sensitive as normal. But, Arik needs to resolve the NO CONTACT issue once and for all. You both are going to spin your wheels unless he does so. Nicole lovebusts, and is obsessed with this whole affair, and can't help it - and Arik hasn't made a 100% commitment to NO CONTACT. <P>So, I expect things to continue to be a merry go round for Nicole and Arik until she goes to plan B or until he makes a complete commitment to no contact and recommitment to the marriage. <P>EMAIL is contact. <P>

Oops, I see I've missed a few posts recently! A couple posting to each other...how wonderful (although, of course, sorry about the reason(s) you're here in the first place, but these ARE the same issues we're ALL dealing with, you're not alone!). <P>Butting in here with a couple of observations and without reading the others posts - I do apologize for not doing more homework!<P>Arik - IMHO, Patient Love is probably quite distressed by how you sound like you're DEFENDING the OW ("it was just a joke...."). To her (I'm going purely by how I personally would feel), it produces a nauseating image of you literally walking away from her side to stand united with OW, AGAINST her! Now believe me, I know (or think I do) your thought process...my H and I have been round and round with similar miscommunications. You feel you're simply being logical about it--it was a stupid email sending you a joke, nothing personal in nature about it on the surface at all, and you didn't initiate it--why on earth is she so upset about it! <P>You're thinking logically first...but remember, Patient Love is thinking EMOTIONALLY first being a woman AND due to the painful crisis of the situation itself. If you were to see such a vivid image like I described, would you not worry yourself? <P>Please try to reassure her how much you love her, and if you truly do not understand her feelings, ask her questions and mirror your translations of what she's saying back until she agrees it does indeed capture her feelings--then TELL her you DO understand (although you may not agree with it yourself, but psst, don't mention that right away)! Once you've soothed her emotions, she will be able to speak calmly and logically about the email. Try not to coerce her WITH logic, especially too soon. I guarantee it will NOT work while she's still feeling upset. Deal with the upset first by really listening to her. Let her verbalize her feelings, when a woman is able to talk and feels you are listening, really hearing her, that's half the battle! Your patience WILL pay off...once a woman's feelings are communicated and your soothing responses satisfy her, she WILL respond to you logically. (Hugs, touches, gentle pats go a long way while you're calmly listening--if she's able to allow you physical contact during the conversation it's an indication that you're on the right track.)<P>Honest injun!--we females really don't like the complicated brain war we put ourselves through during upset but that's just the way it is. Our hormones kick in on overdrive and off we go! Her logical side doesn't mean to sound gratingly shrewish, but her emotional side won and must be settled back down before she is able to show you the sweet, caring side you crave. And if you'll just take the time to help her, you'll be rewarded 200%!<P>Now about that email...no, you didn't initiate it. OW may even have you on a group list for mailing out jokes and forgot to remove you, or thinks that is not in conflict with her promise to your W of no contact. (She could also have ulterior motives of remaining in contact with you and that "little joke" is a way of testing the waters, maybe, maybe not, but it IS a possibility.) That's beside the point. Sorry. I'd suggest you come up with a plan, under the recent circumstances of the infidelity, to show your wife a little bit more...how about changing your mailing address? or blocking OW. Offer some kind of reassurance to Patient Love that the no contact rule IS in effect, with action.<P>Good luck! However a small thing this feels to you...it's a bigger thing to your W. Make it a small thing for her too, with your help. (Remember, this wouldn't upset her if she didn't love you!) You two will do just fine, hang in there...keep trying. <BR>