I need help! I feel like I am going out of my mind. By H of almost 9 yrs. has been having an affair on me for almost a year. I found out about it the end of last June. We have been on a roller coaster ever since then. He left for the 2nd time 3 weeks ago to live with OW. To make things even worse I talked with my ex-H and told him what was going on and we started talking alot. I know now, that was wrong because I'm just as bad as H. I put an end to that and told the ex that I can not have any contact with him unless I am divorced. I told my H and he was so crushed (imagine that, since he is living with OW). He told me he thought that I was the strong one. I told him I was not. Two days after he left this time I went and filed for a divorce. He had gone and put down a deposit on a house that him and OW were going to have built, so we needed to get our house sold ASAP. We had a meeting with the Realtor on Thursday. To my surprise right before they got here he said that if we did not get a certain amount of money for the house we were not selling. He told me that he loved this house and did not want to sell it. We do have a very nice house and live on a lake. The OW has an apt. in a very bad part of town. Not at all nice. When he comes over, which he has to clean the yard since I cann't, (had back sugery 1 month ago), he told me he never realized how nice this place was until he left. He now tells me he still loves me and he is just confused as to where he really wants to be.<P>It seems to me that when it comes right down to it when he found out I was seeing someone else he could not stand it but yet I am to stand by him while he is still with the OW and love him and be faithful to him. I don't get it. How many times do we have to go back and forth with the OW before he makes up his mind. I can hardly stand it. At time I feel I am going over the edge and cann't breathe. There are times when I hate them both so much, but hate can eat you alive I have found out. I just don't know which way to turn or what to do. I feel that if I start talking with him about comeing home he will and then get here and change his mind like he has for the past year. It's like he can say yes to me and in the next hour change his mind. How can a person say they love you and do this to you??

How can they do that? They are in a bad brain period. They are caught between real love (which can lack excitement and can be filled with lovebusters) and fantasy love (which everyone has their best foot forward.)<P>So, you want your marriage to work, right? Then I suggest plan A for a period of time without any lovebusters. You filed for divorce out of frustration and anger, not because you really wanted a divorce? Then put the divorce on hold, and do not sell your house. It is good that he has to come over and do the yardwork, etc..... Chance for you to fill up his lovebank.<P>Lostva thought it was over, completely over many many months ago. Her husband moved out, etc.... She started plan A to the hilt. They are now back together, and working things out - it takes time, but it can be done.<P>What are the lovebusters that your husband would define? <P>Hang in there, there still is lots of hope. You have to be very determined, and that is what this site is for - it is for helping you stay focused on your goal...<P>God Bless You,<BR>TNT

I think everyone does dumb things sometimes, and unfortunately sometimes the dumb things one does REALLY hurt the people one loves.<P>If you want to get back with your H, and it sounds like you do, try reading the information on this site and putting it into practice. It is a plan for getting back on track in your marriage. If nothing else YOU will be happier knowing that you have done everything you could.<P>Keep posting back and blow off steam, ask for advice, tell us good news...anything that makes it easier for you in this tough time.<P>The folks on this BB have been great to me and I bet they'll be good to you, too.<P>Hang in there--it's a rough ride, but you can do it! --HBC

Welcome <B>Jannie</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 10, 2000).]

How can they do it? Hundreds of reason and none of them make sense to a rational person! Actually, none of them make sense to my husband now that it's over!!<P>Learn about Plan A and implement it. Not to win back your husband (although that DOES happen sometimes! ) but to help yourself. To learn from this, to get through this, to cope with this ride you're on!<P>You can do this. But it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be bumpy. If you don't want to be divorced, then don't do it. If you want your marriage then give it all you've got for a while. Not fair, not easy, but definitely worthwhile. <P>Take care of yourself. Make yourself healthy and strong. Plan A for your own benefit - it's NOT a means to just "be nice" to him and let him walk all over you...it's a method of learning and growing as a person and that makes you stronger.<P>Hang in there. We're all here if you need us!<P>Lori

I'm in your boat. My H of 9 years also has been in a year-long affair. He admitted it was physical in Jan. (when OW supposedly got pregnant--she's since "lost the baby"). The kids and I moved 5 hrs. away at that point, he visits on weekends, says he wants to keep family together. At the same time, he hasn't stopped seeing OW.<BR> I try not to question him, but this weekend I found a dry cleaning receipt tacked to his clothes. Normally, this would have prompted a major Lovebuster. But since reading SAA, I've determined to try Plan A. I did show him what I'd found and (w/great effort)I managed to keep the conversation calm. It actually generated some good dialogue (tho still extremely painful). I took a drive, prayed, and came back determined to Plan A him relentlessly. <BR> I must really say it worked. We had a better weekend than we've had, and this AM he kissed me goodbye and said he loved me (he said it first). He kept saying what a great weekend it was. <BR> So don't give up. Our H are not in their right mind, and I think with our faith and courage -- we will win!