Over the last past weeks, I have read a lot of messages posted on these boards...looking for some answers. I am in the throes of a difficult divorce from an abusive husband and I am trying deperately to get over the emotional baggage I'm carrying around because of an EA I stupidly had. There doesn't seem to be any answers for me...from all I have read the OP in a PA or an EA is the enemy. I feel awful; much more than before I started reading. I quess I just want to put my two sense in, because I feel so lousy. <P>My own marriage was pretty bad for a dozen different reasons; I spent a decade trying and trying. I reached a point where I accepted it my fate to be in loveless marriage and stayed busy. I'm not an internet junky, I don't spend hours on chat rooms, but as luck would have it, the second time I logged on to a chat room out of sheer boredom, I met the OM. We had a lot in common, so when he asked for my email I figured why not, thinking that was that. In all fairness to myself the OM was as aggressive as could be in his pursuit. I know, I should have stopped it, but I figured I wasn't doing anything wrong. On several occassions I asked about his wife, telling him I felt uneasy about the road we were going down. He never would say much, only that our relationship was not hurting his marriage in any way, in fact it was helping him be more positive. You all are probably wondering how silly could I have been. Pretty silly. I was in denial and wanted to believe the OM. Anyway, things went on and on. He started calling me daily and continued writing. By now my heart and emotions were so involved in this relationship, I couldn't see straight. Every time I tried to end it, he would come back at me with how much I meant to him. The OM claimed that I was the most important thing in his life and that he loved me above all else. I believed him. When my husband and I first separated, the OM was there, offering his help and support. I trusted him completely. My husband was angry and called the OM wife and told her about us. I felt awful. I felt doubly awful when the OM left me a brief note saying thanks for understanding, I can't communicate with you anymore. He completely blew me off. That was two months ago. I keep reading about how difficult it is for betrayers to leave the OP. I know how difficult it was and is for me. I found one who had no problem at all. His wife may look at me as the enemy, but I wasn't. I am not making execuses; honest. I never wanted a romantic relationship; I just needed a friend. Her husband is the one who continually made declarations of undying love to me. I am not lurking in the shadows waiting for him to come back. Considering all that passed between us, I do think he could have been a little more sensitive to my feelings when ending it. What he did was cruel. I never asked for this. I am only disgusted with myself for trusting someone who I had no right to trust. I am disgusted with myself for staying in an abusive marriage for so long when I knew my husband would not get help. In the meantime I am completely alone, trying to help my two children get over the hell my husband has put us all through. I would be lying if I said I'm still not hurting from the total rejection the OM handed me. I feel for the wives and husbands who find out their spouse has given themselves to someone else. It's easy to think the OP was evil and lured your spouse away, but that is not always the case. It sure wasn't with me, but I'm not obsolving my part in it either. I don't think I will ever be the same since this happened. I have lost everything and don't know where to turn to get out of this dark place I have been living in.

Welcome <B>Lonelysoul</B>...<P>Many here can understand your pain.<BR>No... you are <B>not alone</B>!<P>There is no reason to stay in an abusive marriage...<BR>...EVER!<P>I do hope your divorce is progressing...<BR>...do you have a good attorney?<P>There is a big support network here.<BR>Many who are going through a divorce... both waywards and faithful spouses are mostly posting on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum...<BR>...you will find more than just sympathy there... <P>I do have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It is mostly oriented to betrayed/WS types but you may find some of the quick links an easy way to enter the <B>most</B> important MB sites... and learn some of the jargon...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>I'm praying for you... <BR>Do post... read... ask?...<P>Jim

hi Lonelysoul:<BR> <BR> Your OM took advantage of you when you were already hurting and your defenses were weak. I am very sorry for the pain you are in, but please forgive yourself for the part you played in this on-line affair. <BR> <BR> From the perspective of a betrayed spouse who's H had an EA, I'd say that I DO NOT feel the OP is the enemy in my case (in my case, I don't think there is/was an enemy). And, for what it is worth, you don't sound like an awful person, a predator, a slimeball, or anything else. You simply sound like someone else who got hurt.<P> I hope you find healing.<P>Kathi

Kathi:<P>Thank you for your kind reply. Any act of kindness these days is so appreciated.<P>Good luck to you.<P>S <P> <P>