My spouse left for OP after a lengthy affair, divorced me, lived with OP but finally learned that her fantasy didn't stand the test of togetherness. Now we're making progress in building a new and better relationship.<P>Spouse left telling parents "we're not getting alone". By S leaving me the parents undoubtedly understood I was such a bad person S "had to" leave me. Parents had nothing to do with me during years of our seperation. Now nice to me again.<P>Would it be unreasonable to expect my S to tell the parents the full story and the true reason for our seperation/divorce? Spouse says for me to tell them if I "must" but I feel it is something that S should do.<P>More experienced and saner heads advice and input appreciated.

Hello,<P>I'm glad that you and your husband are working things out. I would advise against telling parents anything in this situation. You said that they were nice to you before the separation and are nice to you now. It is normal for parents to be loyal to their own child during a separation, no matter who is to blame. Parents love their children no matter what. They might already know the real reason for your separation, but if they don't telling them will hurt and disappoint them.<P>If they wanted to blame you for the separation, finding out their son had an affair will not change that. They would simply justify the affair by believing that if you had been a good wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere.<P>My advice is to enjoy the fact that things are going well now, and forget telling you inlaws or forcing your husband to tell. Try to let the past stay in the past. Your husband will resent you if this damages his relationship with his parents. It is not worth it.<P>Peppermint

This is weird, because my H's parents are trying to act (with me) like nothing is wrong. But they are allowing him to live with them and helping him financially so he can get a place of his own. I am the one who is having a hard time being nice to them. I feel like they should be sitting him down and telling him what an idiot he is. Instead, they're just "supportive". If he was MY son, you can bet he'd know what I thought of his infidelity! And believe me, they do know.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Well, i have to agree with both P and K. Let me tell you why.<P>My H and I ahve been working really hard to put our marriage back together and doing quite well I may add. Last night we went over to his aunt's house to only be accosted on how I was such a slut, how could I cheat on my H and my children and it was awful. EVERYONE in town now knows. How? He had a heart to heart talk with his mother and she spread it all over the town. this town is very small,(the one his mother lives in only 1 bar and on little gas station). <P>I was mortified. I have already crusified my self, all by myself, and have become so honest to my H that i was very emotionally unprepared for the assault. <P>I say leave it between you two. People have an unnatural desire to spread gossip. Gossip hurts. The less people know the better.<P>Good Luck on your marriage. No one needs to know anything except you, H, and God. Period.<P> <BR>mercy

You are married to your wife, not her parents. I understand your resentment at the fact that she did not tell the truth to her parents. To me it seems like all of that was just wrapped up in the rest of the junk she was doing at the time. Dragging more people into it will probably just make things worse. I also understand that you don't trust her in alot of ways. Trying to force her to humiliate herself in front of her parents is not going to win you any brownie points, IMO. Maybe she will get around to it in her own time, who knows? <P>My ex also told alot of lies about my past. I was the one who cheated. Nobody could believe it, even his mom told him to forgive me, so, in order to justify divorcing me, he set about making it look to everyone that I was this brazen hussy or mentally ill, which is not true. He told this junk to SOO many people, that there is no way I would reconcile with him. He betrayed me so much worse than sexually, IMO.

Good points, thank you all. Have not told anyone why spouse left me. Only one that knows the convoluted truth of affair is a sibling of spouse who aided, abetted and aplauded the affair and seperation - that's another bit of chaff stuck in the craw. Would truthfulness with the parents be part of MB tenants of being truthful for your partners sake? Just a thought.

Just one more thought...<BR> My H confided in his dad...and his dad, being the wonderful and wise person he is, has become my closest ally through this. He calls me (unbeknownst to my H) to make sure I'm OK, gives me comfort, advice, and also holds H accountable (as much as he can without alienating him). <BR> Come to find out, my father-in-law had affairs many years ago and regrets it deeply now. He somehow feels responsible for this happening to us...<BR> At any rate, I think it depends on the kind of people they are...I just happen to have a great set of in-laws, and they have been a great support to me.

Keridwin7 thank you. Almost my exact words to my spouse when I was asked what I would do if my child entered an affair. I think it would be my duty as a caring parent to tell my child that he/she was making a huge mistake and should re-examine the marriage, particlularly if the betrayed was sober, caring & personally and materially generous.<P>Parents in question have always been of the attitude that anything that pleases their child they encourage. If having an affair filled the betrayers needs it's acceptable behavior because it makes child feel OK - totally disregarding the goodness that was in the marriage. Never said to child - "look, we think an affair is wrong, you're hurting yourself and your spouse". Just the usual acceptance with no advice about the immoraltiy or pain being inflicted. And the parents are professed Christians!!!<P>They just turned off "acceptance" and contact with me with seperation and turned it back on when we got back together.<P>Something just doesn't compute.<P>Hope to hear more opinions pro and con.<P>We are progressing in recovery dispite the usual many inaccuracies from spouse to "protect my feeling" during the last couple of years. Much help from MB - all good information.

LG,<BR>If my ex and I had stayed married, the choice would have been for him to set the record straight with his family/friends or that I would not accompany him on his visits to them. In that way, I wasn't telling him what to do, but just making it clear what I would not do (i.e. visit them) until things were put back in order. Only problem with that approach is that there might be even more of a tendency for him to continue to lie to cover up why I wouldn't visit them.