First off, since I am too lazy to remember where our dictionary is, how do you spell counseller?<P>We had our second session which turned into two individual sessions. It ended up lasting almost 3 hours.<P>She did one pretty cool thing. She had us take an Enneagram Personality Type Indicator Test. We did it on the web at this site. I'm not sure how to make a link, so I will do my best:<BR> <A HREF="http://graphics.lcs.mit.edu/~becca/enneagram/" TARGET=_blank>http://graphics.lcs.mit.edu/~becca/enneagram/</A> <P>You answer some questions then it gives you a score and whatever section scores the highest is yor personality type. There are several books about this and a lot of websites.<P>She then explained our personality types and how we respond to our relationship to each other. It was spooky how close she came to what I was going through. She was reading stuff out of a book that sounded like my autobiography. My H's wasn't as exact, but she told me later he is still denying a lot of his feelings and responses and not to worry about it.<P>I am a Romantic, a Type 4. A Romantic tends to feel something is missing (sound familiar) they seem to feel others have it, but they aren't worthy for some reason or another to get it. (Spooky Spooky). They tend to need emotion and tend to get depresses easily when this need is not satisfied. It went on and on. She told me what my intermost feelings and fears are and she had only spoken to me once before. <P>She then talked to my H by himself and assured me that he was in need of counselling and she would do her best to help him as much as he wanted to be helped. She also told me that she truly felt he wanted to make our marriage work, but didn't have the insight or selflessness to know how to do it.<P>We then talked alone for a long time. She told me I needed to be on antidepressants (I'm paying her for stuff I get here for free) and I needed to take care of myself. I need to allow him to satisfy my needs when he can, calmly tell him when he violates them and not worry about the rest, because I am a whole lot more than his wife and if I can't find what I need to be an important person from other sources than him then I will never have the strength to leave him (only if I had to or decided to, of course) and thus will always wonder and feel that I am a victim.<P>This was much more intense than the first session. <P>He spoke to her about the affair. I know he told her things about it that I don't already know. I asked him if he would share them with me and he said he didn't thing we were intended to. <P>I decided there had been enough emotional stress on both of us for one day so amazingly enough, I let it go.<P>Phew, I got longwinded. Did I whine? I hope not.<P>Take the test and see who you are. <P>It would be a fascinating study to see which personality types and/or which personality type combinations (couples) end up in betrayal. My son needs as science fair project, but I think this is a little too deep for the 6th grade.<BR>

Question I meant to ask counsellor, maybe ya'll can help.<P>We are basically having Joint-Individual sessions and will again. She wants to to talk to us together separately and then together again. She is trying to solve some of our lack of communication problems and our miscommunication problems.<P>Should we refrain from talking about the things discussed in our separate sessions.<P>I would talk about them, but my H hasn't said a word. I know they discussed his affair.<P>I really would like to know what he told her. Would it be okay to ask him? Is it okay for him to refuse to talk about it? If he does, should this worry me?

Essyboo,<BR>Hi read your last two posts. My H and I are in counseling also- we saw her together the first time and then seperately also- I discussed some things with my H, as he did with me- but, I remember thinking- (since he was the one who cheated) "I'm going to work out some of the resentment and hurt I AM going through" The counselor has brought up subjects in our joint sessions that have shed some light on our situation- I wouldn't worry about what he spoke about in private- it will all be said and/or discussed eventually- I agree with some of the people from the last post -focus on you now. My only advise is to hang in with him as he works his stuff out, be supportive as much as you can (without jeopardizing your own needs and self worth) and have the main focus be on YOU> <BR>I went to the enneagram site- pretty cool! I took the test- type 2 and 9 were my highest scores- Can you say CO-Dependant?? I'm working on it all- Thanks for putting it on your post- I feel its always good to get more info that can help us grow and know ourselves- good luck with all you are going through- it DOES get better! Patience and time- Use this time to get to know yourself and your strengths- That's what I am doing and it seems to keep me going. Take care- <BR>Moonbeam<P>------------------<BR>MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION IN OUR WORLD(:

As I said, I am a type 4 (Romantic) with a strong Type 1 (Reformer) When I am strong I tend to lean toward Reformer.<P>My H is a Type 8 (Leader) with a strong Type 7 (Generalist) both of these types tend to avoid communication and tend to run from uncomfortable situations, while they are somewhat selfish in the needs and crave adventure and change. <P>My H's type, the Leader is very eager to take control and take decisive action, while my romantic nature fears failure and thus causes me to avoid decisions so that I do not have to feel responsible for them. A romantic also can be very adventurous in a healthy state.<P>We have a combination that according to the books she read from could compliment each other wonderfully and lead to a very exciting and fulfilling relationship. His strengths are my weaknesses and mine his.

Sounds like you had a good session, that is great. You have really been dreading this, when did you say your next session is? I don't think you should ask about what was said in the private session. He needs to feel safe so that he can let it out. Yes they will take about things that you want to know, and hopefully one day he will tell you. But step 1 is to get it out into the open, he is doing that with the counselor that is a big step. Maybe she will help led him into telling some of these things in your joint session. I haven't ried the test but plan to. I am reeally glad things went so much better the you thought they would.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

We go back Wednesday of next week.<P>I promised her I would see my family doctor and him a physical. I am very thin and am having some chest pains, stomach trouble and of course depression. It doesn't look like I will be able to get in before Wednesday. My doctor is hard to get in to see.<P>How do these private sessions fit in with the Total Honesty part of Plan A?

I think the personality test is really interesting and wonder if there are common factors here amongst us<BR>I am another number 4 (romantic) and my (betrayer) husband is a number eight (leader), as for the Ow Im not sure. is there a ***** one?? hehe<BR>anyhow I hope everyone takes the time to do the test and posts the results here, cos its very interesting <BR>

azure -- I tried the test a few minutes ago. I'm either a type 5 (Thinker) or a type 1 (Reformer). Don't know if it means anything though.<P>God Bless