FA --<P>Just checking in to get an update regarding your health. Everything a-ok? I'm thinking positive here.<P>Been away for a few days, so I haven't been able to check online. Hope things are looking up and your D's are keeping their chins up. Hope your H finally is giving you some emotional support, and maybe even a hand with the finish painting! LOL!<P>Still haven't popped the question on my W since the situation still hasn't been right. Will it ever be?<P>And, she has still not mentioned the lost diamond, or any need or desire to replace it. I guess that one will always amaze me.<P>--keystone<BR>

Hey keystone,<P>Well I haven't been around in a while either, I've been really busy. <P>Had some problems in the main bath with the painting so it took me 3 days to finish that one. Had to pull out all the caulk(that I had just put in) and recaulk again and then spackle and repaint around the tub. What a pain. I'm just finishing up on the laundry room today and then I'm done and the paint brushes and rollers are being put away! I've had enough! LOL And no H didn't help ! <P>I took a day last week when it was nice out and raked and thatched the lawn and another day to clean out the garage, so as you can see I've been real busy. I just came on to take a break. <P>No updates yet on my test results. I have the thyroid scan on Wednesday and then I go back to the ENT on the 21st. I have a feeling he will wait until then to fill me in on the results of the biopsies. I'm still keeping the positive thoughts going too!<P>The resentment I'm still holding onto from all the years of H not doing anything around here is rearing its ugly head again. I guess this stems from all the work I've been doing around here. No matter how nice he is being to me(which he was last week) I just can't seem to break the feelings I have, especially when he puts in no effort to help. I feel so unappreciated. <P>I had a very bad day yesterday with H. It was my mom's boyfriends birthday and I don't think he really wanted to go over and I almost told him to stay the H*ll home if he was going to have an attitude. He worked for 4 hours yesterday and was tired(poor baby). Well I haven't stopped working around here or had a good nights sleep now in 4 weeks. I have no choice but to keep going, but he doesn't see that. I think I'm about to lose it with him and I'm trying real hard to hold it all together, but then again I guess you can see that with what I've written.<P>The girls are doing ok. I just get the feeling they want this all over with as far as my tests and all the Dr appointments. Hopefully it will be done with before they take spring break which is the last week in April. Then I can spend some time with them without all the worries. <P>As far as you, I hate to say it but I don't think there will ever be a right time. I do think that one day its just going to happen, sort of ut of the blue. You have to find out what she wants and what she is feeling. <P>I can believe it that she hasn't mentioned the lost diamond out of the ring. I haven't worn my rings in almost 2 years, so thats probably why I can believe it. If she feels like the marriage is in limbo then it won't bother her. I know I could get my rings resized or get ring guards but I don't feel its necessary right now. Sorry to have put it that way but I guess its the way I'm feeling today.<P>Anyway, I better go and finish before all the running with the girls tonight. It never ends for me! <P><BR>falsely accused<BR>

FA --<P>I, too, was busy around the house this weekend. NO games this weekend with kids (yeah! We needed the break!), so we both got to work on house stuff. We used to do that alot as a couple. Bought our first house, fixed it up ourselves, sold it for a profit and rolled it over into the next project. It was fun, and we got to work together. I miss those days. If I could only roll back the clock.<P>Sorry to see that you're feeling you're all alone and unappreciated. The silver lining may be that you're busy, and that may be a blessing considering that you've got an outlet for some of your frustrations. Better than taking it out on your D's or somewhere else. (Remember, I'm trying to find some positive here.)<P>Easter is around the corner. Maybe the symbolisim of rebirth/renewal will take shape in your home. Perhaps your H will come to his senses. <P>Keep me posted re:the ENT follow-up. Keep eating healthy, drink extra water, stay away from the caffine. A lot of friends and co-workers around here have been sick lately. Those seem to be the remedies that all adhere to in their recoveries. So far, so good. Give it some thought...<P>Re; the diamond. Yes, I guess I can see your point. Don't agree, but I can see your point of view. I hope that we'll be able to break down that wall between us so that the ring does mean something again. <P>BTW, I do find myself looking at her hand often to see if she's continuing to wear the wedding band. She still is. Thank you, God.<BR>It may not mean everything it once did, but it symbolizes at least a little hope on my behalf.<P>Re: finding the "right time". I agree. It'll probably just come out. I'm just trying to control the circumstances, I guess, so it doesn't come off as a major LB'er. I want this to come off as non threatening as possible. I feel it's necessary if we are going to every rebuild. I just cannot keep going in limbo until she says or demonstrates something.<P>Gotta run.<P>Hang in there, and keep that chin up (and out of the paint, caulk, etc.). <P>--keystone <BR>

keystone,<P>Well I LBed on his part last night. I knew it was coming. What can I say! <P>H spoke those words that lately I dread "we have to talk". I see myself becoming a conflict advoider with this not LBing thing. I never was before, I always spoke up and stood up for what I thought. Now I feel like running the other way. <P>Anyway H accused me of not telling him everything I'm going through with the Dr's. I have told him as much as I have told you all here or anyone else for that fact. I don't know much until I go back to the ENT and get the results. Well to him this must be a major LB. He thinks I'm hiding something. Notice the word I used(accused!). Yes H still doesn't trust me. I now know that for a fact. <P>He doesn't seem to understand why I don't want him with me on these appointments and why I don't like to discuss it around the girls. He doesn't see what he is doing by thinking so negatively, no matter how many times I tell him. He says I have to keep telling him over and over again until he finally gets it. Well I said "Your not a child I shouldn't have to repeat myself with you, your an adult!" I told him again that I'm not thinking about it and not obsessing about it. I'm just going about my daily routine and thats the way it has to be. He just doesn't get it!! He thinks I should be all worried and I said that will only make matters worse and make me sick. <P>Well when he approached me on this D#1 decided to take a seat in the living room and listened in. When she heard me getting upset she came in and decided to take a stand with her father for my sake and then because the discussion got heated she got hyper and out of control(this is the way she has been dealing with all this). D#2 then came in and asked me to please stay calm because she didn't want to see me upset, she said I don't need that right now. It amazes me how a 12 & 14 year old gets it and H doesn't!<P>I have a feeling I will never be trusted in his eyes. I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. We just think to differently and H is extremely hard headed. Nothing will ever be good enough for him. <P>You are right in the fact that this is probably why I'm keeping myself busy. It tends to keep my mind here where it belongs(sometimes anyway! ), and keeps me out of trouble. At least I'm getting a lot done! <P>I'm glad to hear you W is still wearing the wedding band. There must be some hope there. I knew you wouldn't agree with me but I knew you would see the point I was trying to make. I hope for your sake that it does mean there's hope!<P>Hang in there I know I'm trying too. <P>falsely accused <P><BR>

FA--<P>Again, you have to look at your H's persistance as a good sign. He just doesn't know how to ask, and he's not listening. The good sign is he seems to be showing that he cares.<P>The content of the message is well placed. The delivery of the mesage needs some work. If I remember, didn't he not want to fill out the EN questionaire? I know my W didn't. It would mean so much if she did in terms of how I approach things with her (either confirm or deny how I'm doing things), and open up some meaningful communication.<P>I forget, did you have any thoughts about counselors? They didn't work for us, but they do seem to work for others. Is it too late?<P>Your D's involvement was only a matter of time. Perhaps that might jar some sense into your H that the impact of the marriage troubles are effecting everyone in the household.<P>I may approach my W about her desires to fix or breakoff the marriage tonight. I'm just leaving the office, and I know we'll be apart for a day or two. It may give us both some time to reflect on a solution to this mess. <P>I'm saying prayers for the both of us. I'll try to check back in the morning, pst.<P>Keep smilin' -- (I saw the icons!)<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>Don't have time right now to respond so I'll get back to you later. I have to go for my test in a few. <P>falsely accused

FA --<P>Saying prayers for good results. Keep me posted when you've got a moment.<P>POSITIVE THOUGHTS!<P>--keystone

Hey keystone,<P>Wow and I thought the other test would have been the hard one to get through. This one was not to good. I'm not use to laying perfectly still for 40 minutes on a skimpy little table while this machine is basically on your neck taking pictures. I actually left there feeling stressed. I have to go back tomorrow for them to check the iodine levels in my body, but that part will only take about 10-15 minutes. So the hard part is over. Now its waiting until next week to find out the results. Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts.<P>Now to my reply from your last post. H does care I know that but I asked him the other night if he really cared instead of being with me for the test I would prefer if he was home for the girls. I had to make arrangements for someone to pick up D#2 from school(shes a walker, no buses in our area), they both had to come home to an empty house. At their ages they should be able to handle this but being all the problems with D#1, I just didn't feel comfortable(of course he still doesn't know about the problems because he doesn't want to know). <P>He said ok he would leave work at the regular time instead of staying late. I said well by that time I should be home so then theres no point to you leaving at the time you are suppose to now is there. <P>Well wouldn't you know he showed up 1 1/2 hours after I was home already. So much for that. I guess his work come before his family. <P>He never even questioned me about the test until after the girls brought up the fact that the school nurse called here because D#2 wasn't feeling well and should have been sent home. The nurse asked if she could call her father at work and D#2 said don't bother you will never get a hold of him because hes never around. That just makes me feel so good! NOT!!!! I feel so lousy now that I wasn't here for her. <P>Here's another thing, D#2's report card sat on the counter for 4 days and do you think he would pick it up and look at it, no! Why should he, he knows shes a straight A student, but it would be nice for him to acknowledge it at least for her sake. He walked right past D#1's bad report card 3 times tonight that was sitting on the counter. But I bet he will pick hers up eventually because he knows that shes not keeping up with the grades and this way he can just dig a little harder into her. <P>I don't know but a couple of people I've talked to my best friend and my mom both say hes living in his own little world. Well all I know is he better snap out of it soon or hes going to lose everything.<P>No to your question about the EN questionare. He will not even look at it. He refuses counseling. My hands are completely tied with this one. I'm getting more and more frustrated and resentful. <P>Well now that I've vented again. I guess you can hear I'm stressed to the max about now. Sorry I didn't want to do that. <P>Anyway, how did you make out last night? Did you get to approach you W about anything at all? <P>Yes you saw my icons, and I won't lie. The old HS friend has been in touch with me to see how I'm making out with the tests and with my D. So be it, what can I say I need a friend right now. <P>I think we both need all the prayers we can get right about now. <P>falsely accused<P>

FA --<P>Sorry to hear that today's test took so long and were so challenging. You must continue to think positively, particularly in the "waiting period" for the results. Let me know how it goes tomorrow.<P>You've got to continue to be there for your D's. They need you, and you need them. Maybe even more than you think right now. <P>Here's an idea. No experience, but only an idea:<P>Try to make a deal with both D's. Acknowledge that you need them, and they need you. Try not to bash your H (despite seeming to have plenty of reasons to -- After all, remember that Karma thing!). Maybe each night you girls can get together and just vent. Vent at whatever. School, doctor's tests, the boy at the next desk, the service at McDonalds. Anything. Give each of you an outlet. Then, get a good laugh at it all. It may bond the three of you when you each seem to need a crutch to lean on.<P>Just an idea. No proof, but maybe it will get the wheels turning on a similar plan. I just worry that your D's (esp D#1) will start to withdraw from both your and your H.<P>My situation hasn't changed. I got home late, too. Our shift didn't end until about 10pm last night, so by the time I got home, neither one of us was in the right frame of mind to talk about something so crucial. <P>My W and kids are away at family for a day or so, and my shifts have gotten later as the week goes on. <P>This weekend looks like it will be busy -- events with her divorce/single/other sex friends. I've been invited, but the way I was invited was a little suspicious. Something about "since it's on Saturday, now you can come along". It was presented more as a burden than a genuine invitation. End result: I don't think the topic will come up this weekend either.<P>Again, maybe there is no "right time", and I should just outright ask the question: Does she think there is anything worth saving in our marriage, or has she just lost all feelings for me? <P>Maybe I can just right it down. Great, another rambling letter not unlike this post! LOL!!!!<P>Anyway, please update when you return from the iodine. <P>--keystone<P>P.S. Congrats to D#2 for the straight A's. Not easy when all this stuff is going on at home. D#1 may be sliding on purpose if she's seeking attention. Challenge her. Tell her she's got your attention! Always had, and always will!<P>Chin up!

keystone,<P>I'm back and the iodine levels seem to be coming down which is good new. I sat here for the longest time trying to post. I'm losing it really bad right now. I'm sitting here and the tears are just flowing and I know I have less then an hour to get my act together before D#1 comes home from school. <P>I guess I'm tired of all the tests and I want it all to be done with. I want the girls to know that everythings going to be fine and that they can stop worring. <P>Sorry I'll have to post later because I can't see to type. <P>falsely accused <P>

Sorry, I just got online.<P>Those should be tears of joy if the levels are favorable. But, I'm sure the frustration over it all it getting to you.<P>Please check back and let me know that you're doing ok.<P>Hang tough!<P>--keystone<P>

Hey keystone,<P>I'm back after a really bad day & night yesterday. A warning, this might turn into a book! LOL<P>Actually the levels in my body were very low but the ones in my thyroid were still very high. I don't know if thats normal or not but I got a upset when I left there yesterday. I'm doing a little better today. Now if I can make it until next Friday for the results without losing it all together I should be fine. <P>On the other hand H & I kind of had it out last night to top off the rotten day I was having. I went out for my walk and I came home and he wasn't here. So I asked the girls where he went. Ok no problem with where he went it was legit. I came online and the next thing I know he walked in and I said "Hi, Where did you have to take so & so too?" He told me but in a very defensive tone. I said ok. <P>Next thing I know hes sitting on the bed and he starts about D#1's report card(didn't I tell you he would pick that one up!). Well aparently when I was out for my walk H reamed D#1 pretty good about the report card. So he figured when I got home that she would tell me(which she didn't) and he would have to defend himself. I kind of took it as it came until he started about how he gets no respect from her and that she told him she doesn't have to listen to him because hes never around anyway.<P>To try and make this long story short, LOL, I told him about all the resentment I am holding on to and that they must be feeling it too. I told him respect works both ways. The topic of him being a workaholic came up and how it ruins relationships and families. He said he will quit the one job at night and I said then you will just work longer hours at the main job to hide from here so what difference does it make. LB??<P>Well it turns out that this wound up being a heated talk about what will happen to us as a family and what will happen to us as a couple. He walked out of the conversation and then I found him in the laundry room having a cig. I approached him and told him that no matter how much we are trying it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere and I don't know if this is going to work. <P>I told him that he has become so cold and like a stonelike and I have enough to worry about without walking on egg shells around him and his moods. I gave him a hug and then left the room to let him think. <P>I don't know what will happen. I don't know if we will ever work this out. I just don't know anything anymore. By late last night I felt totally lost. I'm trying my hardest to keep things togeher and his moods(which he still doesn't see) just keep pulling it apart. <P>So thats how the rotten day ended. So far today things are a little better for me but who knows when he comes home what will happen.<P>So now that I spilled my guts here! How are things on your end??<P>Hangin by a thread!<P>falsely accused

1230am/PST<P>FA -- <P>It's been eal busy here today, so my apologizes for the late reply.<P>Sounds like the volcano erupted for you last night. I do agree with Harley's "No LB" philosophy, but it sounds like it came to a head. It also sounds like it needed to. I can only hope that he's thinking 24/7 about you the way you've been thinking 24/7 about him. <P>The "walking on egg shells", the "you get respect if you give respect", etc -- all those sound like you've been evesdropping in my little corner of the world.<P>I'm glad you took the walk. Just to get a out and get a breath of fresh air was positive. You have to take care of your health first. Don't forget that, please.<P>Things are same here. No news. Works been real busy -- remember, another workaholic here. But, as management, I cannot expect my crews to do something I'm not willing to do with them. Kinda goes with that respect concept.<P>Anyway, I'm going back to your neck of the woods for a few days next week. New England, for business. I'll probably be offline until after Easter, so I won't know what's up with you and your test results until after the holiday. Just know that I'm not ignoring you. My laptop is on the fritz, and I may not be able to check in.<P>Hang in there. Remember to find the hunor in things (I'm still trying!). Stay positive.<P>Prayers your direction.<P>Chin up... And don't eat too many chocolate Easter eggs!!!<P>--keystone