First hello from another Virginian!<P>I read your recent post about trust and honesty...you are amazing! How can you just shrug your shoulders and say I don't care about it? I admit that there are times when I am able to do it, but it doesn't last too long. I simply do not trust my H and don't know how long it will take to do so again. It doesn't help that he is still working with OW and she is still sending him e-mails, along with whatever else they may be doing. See that is the problem...no matter what he might actually BE doing, I always question it. <P>I think that he feels like if he strengthens our relationship then I won't feel the way I do and he won't have to DO anything...they can be friends...NEVER! He still hasn't quite got the idea that it has to be over for us to go forward. Even if they COULD be friends, it is not possible because of the distrust that their relationship has caused.<P>And then there is the feeling that I get that I AM moving forward, but he is not and that I am growing up and away from him. I first noticed it at a recent counseling session, I was so excited to share the things I had discovered about myself and the counselor was equally enthusiastic, but my H said that he was just setting back watching. I think that he feels that our problems were all MY fault and that once I figure things out we can just go on; he has no sense of responsibility for anything in the past that he might have done to share in the problems that we have had.<P>I have done alot of 'soul searching', and I don't see him doing any or at least he is not sharing it with me if he is. Recently I asked him to tell me what his needs were so I would know how to best meet them. He said that they were the same as most peoples, and that I should just know what they are. So I asked again and said that maybe I was not that intuitive right now because of the emotional things we had been experiencing. He would/could not tell me! Is he just being difficult or does he really not know either? I wanted to know if there were things that maybe I had overlooked in the past and did not want to continue to do in the future and he would not tell me anything specific. What gives? I am confused. (Don't suggest the EN form, he and OW did that already..another story).<P>I feel sorry for him. He stands to lose everything in life that he has ever cared about and for what? I am angry, frustrated, unhappy and mostly tired of dealing with him! <P>How did you get past all of this? <BR>

I don't know. <P>Now, I'm gonna get all wordy again, but hey, you asked, right? And I know this doesn't make sense to a lot of people out there, but it feels right for me, sooooo....<P>On to the first thing. Robert works w/ PT too. And so he sees her most every day. And she has launched an all-out assault on our relationship as well (it's fading, thank goodness!), so the first few weeks were tough. In fact, he even wanted to move back in with his mom during week one, his head was so messed up. That was tough. <P>But Robert left her. He lived his fantasy and missed and loved me and came to that all on his own. During our separation, I never once discussed "us" or marriage with him. When he called and asked me to go for a ride, I was shocked. Even more so, 5 hours later when he asked if I'd have him back. We didn't discuss us at all that day either, until after he asked.<P>I knew reconnecting would be tough and that I would hurt a bit longer - learned that here!! I issued NO conditions, no ultimatums, nothing. We just talked a lot about building a great marriage and a great future. <P>No, he wasn't interested in counselling, or the forum. He'd read stuff I'd print for him, though. And we learned very quickly to talk. And I learned very quickly not to react. I was tested daily. He'd mention PT and I'd listen. He'd bluster and I'd love him. It was HORRIBLE...but just for a week or two. I never cried or lost my temper (ok, cried once) no matter how much I wanted to. He was suffering a lot and I think that's the MOST important lesson I learned here. So I tried to love him during the suffering. Of course, she was a sweet little thing that didn't deserve what had happened to her and I was the evil she-witch who had ruined the last ten years of his life. Or I was the love of his life - depending upon the moment. I did my best to stay calm - I expected this.<P>Funny thing happened. Without negative reactions to the truth (and some of those truths were hard, trust me), he told more and more of them. And we got closer and closer. I was safe. My love was solid. A lot of this crap was tied up in his guilt - toward me and toward her. And he began to work through it. The truth began to CHANGE - in his mind and heart (by truth I mean his feelings). Soon he told me my love was making him strong. Then, I was 100 times the woman she could ever dream of being. And I still asked for nothing, no details, past or present, BUT...I started getting them. Because it wasn't dangerous for him to give them.<P>So I decided. And with me, that's a big thing. Deciding I mean. I'm a bit head-strong. When I read you need to do Plan A, I asked How? and just did it. Like a job I had to do, know what I mean? The same thing with trust. Now a lot of this is just my stubborn personality. And I believe that we CAN have a tremendous amount of control over our own lives and minds. (I'm a big Phil McGraw fan - love his books.) I mean, it's not right, it's not fair, it absolutely sucks, but the fact of the matter is, it just IS. So take it and do with it what I can to make it how I want it to be.<P>I thought about a lot of things these last few months while he was gone. 1st question: Do I want my marriage? I answered that one anew every day. Second: We spoke a lot of vows on our wedding day and the vow of fidelity was given no more importance than any of the others (I went back and checked!) Did I always keep them all? Nope. Wish I had, but I didn't. So I was responsible for my shortcomings, he for his.<P>Oh, yeah, off the subject. Anyway, when I told him I'd like him back, I had to decide. He left because something was missing. True, our personal tragedies were catalyst to this, but my husband did something completely contrary to his nature, so what was I gonna do to help us. He was coming home to try again, he bit the bullet and asked (that's a hard HARD thing to do), so what's my job? To trust him. I couldn't live with him if I didn't. And it would make him miserable if I didn't. So, before I said he could come, I decided I had to trust him. If we were starting over, if we were gonna build something new and wonderful, I couldn't hold the past over his head. I wanted him to trust that I wouldn't disappoint him, right? I owed him the same.<BR>So, I decided. And like I said, for me that's a big thing. All my thoughts, all my actions were directed toward that decision.<P>And he's made it easy. He tells me about all contact with PT. Lets me know when she writes him and offers to let me read it or tells me what it says. Remember, these two shared a bank account, among other things. If I say I'm having a "moment", it means I'm a bit insecure or needy and he knows it and he's wonderful about reassuring me. He calls me during the day to say I love you, lets me know where he is and if he'll be late. He has been (after the first couple of weeks) pretty close to perfect. I have no reason NOT to trust him. I had reason before, definitely, but not now. So I continue to do so.<P>Details about them. Why WOULD I want to know? I just don't. It's not complicated, they were partners. Quite frankly, I don't need the triggers. Why mess up what WE'RE doing, and doing pretty well so far, I might add, by muddling my brain with details that are really not important. He left me, he slept with her, LIVED with her, talked about marrying her. That's enough. How, when, what, where? To me, it just doesn't matter. Whatever was theirs, we're making OURS again...I don't need a list. I want it ALL to be ours. And so does he. He's apologized - to me and to our daughter and the family - plenty of times. He suffers with the guilt of what he did every day, but it IS easing, thank goodness. He loves me, he CHOSE me, he promises he'll be here forever and he'll never leave me. I believe him. He's grown a lot. He did something perfectly unlike him during a deep depression and he has paid for it - within himself. He doesn't TELL me the lessons he's learned, but if I watch carefully, he shows me. Every single day. I don't need the verbal affirmation. <P>So that's why it's not as hard for me. And yes, I talk WAY too much - sorry! But, Honey, it's different for everyone. Everyone's situation is different, everyone's personalities are different. We each have to follow our own hearts. And I've got so much help from Robert. We're BOTH doing our parts. Sure, we have our bumps, but we see them now and talk about them and we can talk so easily now. It's still hard for him to deal with little stuff that he thinks is his fault - but he's working on it. And when he doesn't, I don't say a word. 'Cause before the day is through, he'll come to terms with it himself and make it up to me. I'm getting everything I need and want. And trying to do the same for him.<P>Don't feel bad about the needs thing. Robert won't discuss them either - says I'm doing fine. We just have to be vigilant and figure them out. Harder, but I'm finding it's possible. And from his reaction when I act on my "intuition" I can tell if I've hit one on the head. <P>Hang in there. It's frustrating for sure. But you can do whatever you set your mind to do. Good luck. And sorry I talk too much. NB would be lecturing me right about now.<P>Lori<P><BR>

Trust...you hit the nail on the head with that one. He has given me no reason to trust him as I continue to find out things that he said he was not doing. I can not live with him and not trust him anymore and I don't know what to do about that. I love him, no doubt about that, but without the trust I would rather live without him.