My H had and EA 7 years ago. She was 16 years younger than he. She had a child by him 4 mos after I had our child. Our children know nothing about the affair or their half-sibling. At sometime they should know. I want to tell them now, but worry about how they will accept the revelation about their father. they are 23,22,18, 12 and 6 years old. Anyone have any thoughts about this situation? My H has never seen his child and has had no contact with her. He does pay child support. We are still together and he has done his best to atone for his stupidity and selfishness. Thanks for your responses in advance.

You have my utmost admiration and respect...there but for the grace of God go I. My H was forced to admit his EA was more than that in Jan. when the OW became pregnant. Talk about a living nightmare! He said he wanted to keep his family together, but couldn't just "abandon" her. Stayed in regular contact w/her. Then 2 months later, he informed me she had "lost the baby." He's still trying to break the ties w/her...and I'm trying to survive this mess. <BR> At any rate, I had 2 agonizing months to consider the ramifications of this stupidity. We have 2 young children who would certainly find out at some point. ANd there's the extended family, also.<BR> Does anyone else in your family know? Aunts, uncles, mom, dad? I'm surprised the word hasn't gotten to your children by this time. <BR> How does your H feel about exposing this? You sound as tho you've come to terms with it. I've always felt honesty is the best policy, and children are very forgiving, especially if it's presented in the right way. OTOH, it may open a can of worms...i.e. the older children wanting to look up their half-sibling. How would YOU feel about this?<BR> Sorry I can't be of more help...but this certainly struck a chord. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

In reality, the oldest knows, he just does not acknowledge it because he would have to deal with his feelings towards his father. All he knows is his dad had an affair and there is a child. They live in another state, he met her while travelling a lot in her state. Considering her age now, 6, I would like to get this skeleton out of the closet and deal with it. <BR> My family knows of the affair, his does not; no one know about his child in either family. They may suspect, they have not asked. I wondered if anyone else had expereinced this as a child in either situation. Thank you for your support. It has been a rough road and I do backslide sometimes.

Hi Texasgirl--watch out! This is long!!<P>I've only been dealing with this for 18 months but I've emailed with all the women I can find in our position, a recovered marriaged dealing with a child from adultery.<P>I've also talked with 4 different counselors about this. One of them was very specific about dealing with the children. Ours are just 1 and 7yo, with the OC being 1yo also. The counselor said the older children are when they hear it, the better they will understand and cope. He had one couple present this news to their two teenagers IN his office, the dad confessing it, saying that it was wrong, that he was sorry to be a bad example, sorry he hurt their mother, sorry the OC is growing up without a dad, etc. The kids both said they agreed that it was wrong but that they still loved their dad, and the 14yo girl told the counselor that "those commercials you see on tv about pregnancy are just fake, but this is real, real people getting hurt. I sure don't want to [do that]!". The counselor saw the session as being very positive!! IE it taught them about mistakes, forgiveness, ethics, etc. Not that this is the ideal way I want my kids to learn these things!! But you see what he means? It CAN be positive. I hope it is when we tell...<P>However, our counselor also said YOUNG children, esp. under 7 but even under 10 (12?), tend to blame themselves for everything, develop illogical fears (example, child thinks:if I'm bad, you might send me away like that OC, maybe you're not my real parents), and a child from adultery is a very complicated issue even grown-ups have trouble with!! Here you may have to explain how babies are made, with who, what marriage is about (or suppose to be about), parenting, all kinds of ethical issues... Anyway, the counselor advised us to wait as long as possible for our kids. At this time we are not seeing the Ochild, so there is no reason to upset their little worlds with bizarre information. Added to this is the fact I'd like them to be old enough to be a little discreet with this knowledge...not something I wanted my kindergartener to bring up at show and tell!! And NO WAY am I going to ask my children to LIE--lies are what brought about this whole disaster!!<P>In your case, I'm sure the oldest 3 would do fine and the 12yo probably too... however, you would have to decide whether or not to ask them not to tell the 6yo, with his/her limited understanding. You know your kid(s) best and you probably already know in your heart how he/she might react to this. I think my 7yo could understand it; he's pretty mature, but he's not discreet. Which brings you to your extended family not knowing and so on.<P>I think it is important that you be honest to the extent you can without hurting them. Someone on this board told me they knew one (visiting)OC who was presented to the family's children as "your step-sister" and the kids never questioned it! That might be hard to swallow when the OC is the same age as one of your kids, as yours and mine are.<P>Are you considering having any contact with the OC? Six is around the age I'm told they develop an interest in their biodad if there is no substitute. My uncle fathered a child from adultery whom he saw maybe once; he died about 10 years later. When OC turned 18, she called my father (her bio-uncle), came over, saw old pictures and visited with us about the family. We saw her maybe 3-4 times over about 4 years' time, then lost touch. She's not a part of the family, but I can, like adoption, understand that need-to-know. I guess my father's attitude that it was not HER fault what her parents' did is what helps me deal with 'our' OC. We are willing to have OC visit us when she is school aged and can go long-distance without her mother. <P>Good luck and please let us know how it turns out--I'm very interested!!

Thank you for response. I feel that the older children can handle it. I worry most about my 6 year old. I think you're right at also 6 the OC is interested in meeting her father and her siblings I worry that if forces the issue at 16 or 18, he will feel really betrayed by his dad, that while I was pregnant with him, his dad was having a fling with another woman. Older son, really took it hard at 17 when he learned his dad was having an affair. At 22 he learned of his younger sister. He wanted to go see her but I told him until his dad saw her, he needed to let that situation alone. I wish there was an easy way to handle this. I wish it could go away. I offered to adopt the child and raise her with us, but her mother would not allow it. She spent the first year on assistance. As of last year, she was still "in love" with my husband. "Not man can take his place" She wrote him a letter alluding to strong feelings for him. Wondered if he was still happy with his choice. Do I want to see her, No.Well gotta go. Again, thanks for response.

In your case ESPECIALLY, when the XOW is still lusting after your H, I think it is crucial for you or a neutral third person to be the go-between with the XOW, and to make that clear to her. About one month ago I sent a letter to the XOW telling her exactly why it is inappropriate for her to keep asking for frequent email from my H and a visit from him (ALONE, on another continent?!), and what our plan is for contact with OC. These are women who do not understand healthy boundaries, and my counselor says it is up to H and I to enforce those invisible lines! Did your H ever make it clear to her that she's not an "option"? Like, his only interest is in the child and in your marriage, not her? (You'd think 6 years without contact with her would be a clue?!). I'm hoping that when the OC is older we can arrange visitation through a relative of XOW, or her pastor, or me, (or H and I TOGETHER) seeing XOW briefly for the hand-over of OC. The XOW in our case was a "friend" of mine, offered no remorse, and I still hate her guts, so I can understand you not wanting to see this woman.<BR> <BR>I'd be happy to discuss this privately if you like... <BR>PS! It occured to me that I may have emailed with you last year sometime from another board...your story sounds kinda familiar. Does this ring any bells?!<BR>Either way, best wishes!<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 16, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 17, 2000).]

Thanks Jenny, that's what I was looking to hear. I did post on another site. It turned into more commiserating rather than trying to solve the problem. I want to know how to help my children deal with this in a positive way so their future relationships are not colored by this "stupid" situation. Even now I still get angry at his stupidity and selfishness. But I do not want my children to be afraid their lifepartners will cheat on them and then set themselves up for this. I would not wish the pain of a cheating spouse on anyone, ( except those who have cheated themselves). Well go to go, thanks to all for responses. will be back later. T-gir.

TG:<P>I wanted to post on your thread a couple days ago, but did not feel as if my advice/opinions would be sound enough, given my current state of mind. However, I hope I can be of some comfort to you because I have the same situation.<P>The OW and OC live on the east coast and we are in the midwest. As there will be no communication between any of us, my husband and I have opted to keep this to ourselves as long as we can and just go on with our lives best we can.<P>The OW made it clear she wants nothing to do with us and only wants our money. The courts will soon be mandating an amount-a judgment for support.<P>We have three grown children. Our separation and my husband's OW were very upsetting for them. It's not that they can't handle the truth about their Dad; they can. But because we won't be having contact with either the OW or the OC, we figured we would let sleeping dogs lie. It isn't to be deceitful or protective; it's just that we are so battle weary and working so hard at recovery, that this is our own private pain and is not to be shared with or burdened upion them. There's no point. Our youngest is 27 years older than the OC-and the OC is 2 years younger than our granddaughter. We have opted to leave well enough alone. <P>We realize this could come back at us and if found out, we have agreed to simply state that it was no one's business but our own and this was our way of handling it and we make no apologies for our decision.<P>Like Jenny once said to me, "It's the same selfishness that allowed the OW to get into bed with a married man that allowed her to keep a child she could not afford and would be deprived of a father." (I am paraphrasing, but, it was something to that effect) Because this was the OW's decision to keep the OC, it is basically her problem and the priest at Retrouvaille told us our first obligation is to our marriage and to each other and to our own children. He said we owe the OC nothing more than financial support; unless, someday when we have healed, we find it in our hearts to give something more.<P>I also believe it would be a burden on our children to know of this even though they are adults and can handle it. Just my opinion, just my situation.<P>It sounds as if you are in a dangerous situation with the OW proclaiming her love for your husband. It would be good if you could squelch that by turning off any and all communication with her. It truly is yours and your husband's decision as to whether or not you wish to have any other contact with them other than financial. If the OW is going to be mooing over your spouse like a sick cow whining about the needs of the OC and trying to involve him somehow in it's upbringing or finding bogus reasons to contact him and complain about "ain't it hard, ain't it awful" then you and your children are going to be put through unnecessary angst, and that's not fair to any of you and that's not right.<P>I hope you and your husband will protect your marriage/recovery and protect your family first and foremost-foresaking all others. Good luck to you and God bless.<P>Catnip =^^= <BR>

Thank you Catnip, Knowing what you have done to deal with this helps. I vacillate between concern for the OC (it is not her fault her mother and father were not in a position to marry and her father really did not want her mother). I confuse myself, because I always tell my kids to take responsibility for their actions. Yet I don't feel that my H has totally taken responsibility for his, i.e. being a father to his child, even though it is limited. What does that say to them? Yet, If he does that he is letting them down. So, reality is as you say, "Let sleeping dogs lay" and when we must deal with her we will. Comments, Jenny, Catnip, Pw, Anyone else out there who wants to jump in feel free. I don't feel that this situation is truly dealt with by counselors. Thanks for anything you have to say. T-girl

T-girl,<BR>I agree that the counselors do not address this. We are really winging it without psychological guidelines. <P>I was struck by something "Dr." Laura said on her program this morning. I don't like everything about her, but she said to someone "Why do the good people always feel guilty? You are doing the right thing. Does the bad person feel guilty? No! Why should you?" And I thought, yea, why do I? I've done everything I feel we can reasonable do at this time. So be it!<P>For one, this (child of adultery) situation is miserable and painful for everyone involved and should be a signpost to EVERYONE EVERYWHERE NOT to commit adultery in the first place! Look at the long term ramifications! Basically, there can be no happy endings.(My H said "I've screwed it up so bad it can't be fixed.")<P>But for those of us stuck with such deliemmas... What is the "right" thing to do? Here's my humble opinion: <P>I think repairing the original family unit(s) is the right thing to do, concentrating on repair, minimal to no contact between 'affairees'. <P>I think the OC having a two-parent family is the right thing to do, meaning XOW with prior or new husband adopting, or giving the OC up for adoption, or the father and wife adopting. Since that is usually not the case due to a selfish XOW such as yours and mine, that leaves our H's the child's only father.<P>Then, I think the H should pay child support and have a relationship to that child TO THE EXTENT IT DOES NOT HARM HIS FAMILY. That means, if the family cannot handle any contact for whatever reason or do not feel in all honesty they can treat the child well, the mother should use a substitute, like Grandpa, Uncle, or Big Brothers/Big Sisters. If the family can act like the child is from a former marriage-type arrangement, ie treat him/her like any step-child, good for them, but no one can be forced to feel that way or have a reasonable relationship arranged with the XOW, who is sometimes a real nutcase!! That IS taking responsibility to the extent the situation allows! <P>I don't know if it helps you, but that's my two cents worth. I'm open to other interpretations!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited April 27, 2000).]

Jenny: Whoa. You're good. That is an excellent, straight forward-no nonsense, common sense approach to an awful/ugly situation. What you map out leaves little room for the OW to manipulate or use the OC. It also protects to some extent the injured/betrayed spouse and family from 'games' and overall upheaval, if the OW is a drama queen.<BR>Very, very good advice.<P>Catnip =^^=

Jenny,<BR>I concur with Catnip - you're good! I agree with your thoughts on the subject.<P>As for my situation (OC born last August), we really haven't worked out a solution yet. We have been busy moving so that has given us a reprieve from the situation so that we can focus on us. XOW is planning to divorce her H. I'm not sure where that will leave us. But, I do feel that I have to protect me and my family first. I feel as you do, T-Girl, concerning the OC being the innocent in all this. I *think* I can open up my heart to this child but I'm not absolutely sure. I'm glad that I read your reply, Jenny, as it has made me realize something. I realize that our recovery needs to be further along before I will be at a place where I can open up to the OC. Thanks for helping me see that!<P>Audrey

TG: First, I apologize for using your thread to contact the others in our situation, but, Audrey and I share the same birth month for the OC and she and I are basically running the same time line.<P>Audrey: I feel bad for the OC, too. She tugged at my heart strings. Seeing it in NY in the stroller at the paternity hearing was devastating for me. <BR>She was so cute, adorable, beautiful...all I could think was that this should be MY child-that I am the only one entitled to have my husband's child. <BR>I was with a good friend of mine who gave me much needed support and plenty of distraction. I flew to NY for the first scheduled hearing as David was in treatment and could not go. I had power of attorney and appeared in his place-MUCH to the disappointment of OW. She had everything staged, came with kid & photos and expected David to be there.<P>The court would not accept my power of attorney and the case had to be rescheduled for David to appear in person. I requested that OW not be allowed to drag OC into court to use and manipulate and that request was granted.<P>So, on the second trip to NY, it was just David, me and OW and our attorney-no OC. He has never seen OC-not even a picture. I don't think OC is real to him.<P>I feel sorry for OC, too. She doesn't deserve this horrible situation. She will never know her father and she has been used to garner an income share so the OW doesn't have to get off her *** and get a job. The OW miscalculated thinking we had big bucks and requested $3000 per month! She want's the same kind of $ a wife of years and years would get. UGH<P>TG: Like you, the OW in our situation is 16 years younger than my spouse. And no one in his family knows about the OC. As I posted earlier, our kids don't and won't know about the OC either.<BR>All they know is that he had a 'girlfriend' for about a month and that he came home and we are moving ahead.<P>Have you made any decisions over the past few days concerning the OC and telling your children and his family about it? Does you spouse want contact with the OC?<P>You are in my prayers.<P>=^^=<P><BR>

Jenny, your response was right on the money. It is in a sense what I need to hear. I vacillate because of the child. I think that if we could somehow deal with her now we have control of the situation. My biggest fear is she will show up on our doorstep, with no warning and this ticking bomb will go off in our faces. I fear my children will be more hurt in that scenario, rather than sitting down, saying "Daddy did something really DUMB and you have a sister." Then we deal with the situation. but deep down I just want the OW to marry someone who will be her child's father and leave us alone. Selfish? I really appreciate everyone's words here and am glad to see how others are coping.Please don't stop, yet. Until later, thanks to you all, Catnip, Jenny, Audrey and Camryn. Hope anyone else in this predicament will post, especially adult children who have lived this nightmare. See ya. TG

Bringing this back to the top. <P>Catnip =^^=

Thanks Catnip, Anyone else out there want to weigh in on this subject? What about the fathers of these children? Is there a father who would like to address this issue? Anyone with an OC who has perspective not addressed?<BR> It seems that several couples attempting to recover from an affair, have an OC to contend with. anyone who has "successfully" coped with this, please share with us the "secrets". I am still in a holding pattern. I do not mind sharing with the child, but the OW has not business in my life. So until she realises this, she is on her own. Sound cold, yet as so many have said, my first considerations are my marriage and my children. Someone else suffering this problem, come here to vent. There are so many to help you or just listen. See ya.

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