Hello, all.<P>Yesterday was my 1 year D-day anniversary and it really turned to crap. W and I have been getting along wonderfully for the last month. She still hasn't moved, but maintains that she's going to. I have been very supportive of her taking this time for herself, but for reasons even she doesn't understand, she still hasn't been able to pull the trigger. <P>Last Friday marked the halfway point of her six month lease and she has never spent a night there. I have even offered to spend the first night there with her if it would make it easier.<P>Anyway, I spent the last week out of the country on business. She asked me to call her every night which I did. She was asleep when I returned home on Friday night so we really didn't see each other until Saturday morning. She acted <B>so</B> happy all day, telling me several times how much she missed me while I was gone. We had a wonderful day. <P>Then on Sunday she was a little more distant. She told me she was stressed because of a work task that she had to take care of that day. I asked if, since she had seemed so happy the last few weeks, there had been any substantial changes in how she felt about me or us. Her answer crushed me. She said that she had felt really happy on Saturday, but today(Sunday) she didn't feel happy anymore. I ask her why and if thinking about work could be the cause and she said "I don't know". I continued to be supportive and there where no LB'ers or even any outward indication of how her answer had affected me.<P>This brings me to yesterday the one-year anniversary of the day she told me about her affair. I had been feeling kinda depressed all day, not big-time, but noticeable. After lunch, I bought some CDs, a couple for me and two for her. The ones for her were from a group that she has been wanting CDs of. When she got home from work last night, she told me she was tired, but she was very pleased to get the CDs.<P>She put the first one on and started one of her favorite songs. I went out to the garage for a cigarette. I could still hear the stereo and the song was one that played a lot on the radio when I was in the apartment last year. While I was there, I did nothing but read and listen to the radio, so there are songs that draw out emotions based on how I was feeling at some point in time.<P>The song she was playing flushed me with a feeling(memory) of dire unhappiness. I was alone, so she didn't see this. When I returned into the house, she was on her way out for her own smoke. She asked if I didn't like that group(because I had left as it started). She caught me unawares and I answered without thinking, "Well, it's just that particular song is sometimes a 'trigger' for me". She asked what I meant and I replied that I would talk about it later, that she should go ahead and have her cigarette.<P>When she came back, she took the music off. I asked her why and she told me it was because it bothered me. I could tell by her demeanor that she was a little bit PO'ed by the whole thing. I thanked her for thinking of me and doing that, but that it wasn't necessary because it was a transient thing and I really liked the music. It doesn't affect me that way every time, it was just because I had been thinking about this anniversary and subsequent events and I had been a little down.<P>A little later I tried to explain what had happened. I said that I had been feeling a little down and that song had triggered an unpleasant memory. She wondered why I was down and I said "Do you know what today is?"(I know LB). She said "No" and I stated that it was April 10 and didn't that have any meaning for her. The thought about that for a bit and finally said "Yes".<P>Anyway, later on, I had thought we had gotten thru that episode, but she got angry late in the evening and told me that I felt that everything she had done that evening was the wrong thing, that she didn't know what I wanted. I told her nothing was her fault, that even I didn't know what I wanted and that I thought everything she did and every response to me was just fine.<P>She got even angrier and said that she couldn't give me what I wanted. I responded that how could she say that when she didn't know what I wanted(even I didn't know...didn't even know if I wanted anything at all). As we continued to talk, she just got angrier and angrier. I kept apologizing for the first incident of the evening and trying to smooth her ruffled feathers.<P>Then she got on this track that I should just let her do whatever she wanted, that I was preventing her from doing things she wanted. I told her that that wasn't true, that I even went as far as encouraging her to go places and do things without me. She said I should stop suggesting that she "do this or do that or saying you should do something". She feels that this is "telling her what to do". I responded that it didn't make sense to say I was preventing her from doing her own thing on the one hand, and then saying that I was trying to force her to do it on the other.<P>She just continued with the "don't try to force me to do anything". Then she said I got angry if she talked to her family(on the phone). I said that I didn't know where she got that idea because it always pleased me since she was usually in a good mood when the conversation was over.<P>It just went from one accusation to another. I asked what kept her around when she had been thru 10 years of he11. She asked why I said that and I replied that it was what OM had suggested to her(in a phone conversation) and she had replied to him "Yeah, you are right". She told me about when we first met and got together, that she recognized something special in me and between us. I asked if it was still there and she said "Yes".<P>I told her I felt exactly the same way. I reminded her of what she had told me on the last Saturday in December..."You know, sometimes we are perfect together". I said I thought that too. I told her that I wanted her to find herself and pleaded with her that when that was done that we come together and try to rediscover and rebuild that "special" thing between us. I said that I knew it could be better than before.<P>She asked if I thought that some of the reason that she had been so happy recently was the result of her "personal growth"(your favorite phrase, Lori). I told her that I did believe it was true and that I had seen several things that indicated to me that she was making positive changes. I also said that I felt I had done the same, that I had gotten past the point of blaming her for what went and continues to go wrong. I just said that stuff happens and then it rolls down hill. Got a little smile for that one.<P>There was a little more, but it was more of all the same as above. I'm so down today because I just can't figure out how to get past some of the barricades she puts up. I can tell and she does sometimes admit that there is still something between us, but then I get blamed because she comes home from work each night and sits on her duff not doing anything. I've started going out with co-workers sometimes on Friday nights and made sure she knew she was invited, but she never goes. I've encouraged her to go out with her co-workers, but she never does then says I'm preventing her from doing it.<P>Anyway, this is much longer than I intended, but I wrote it more for myself than for public consumption. Just needed to get this stuff out and this place is good for that.<P>For any of you that manage to trudge thru this, thanks....<P>--DeWayne--<P>P.S. I just posted this and read thru it. It really <B>is</B> long, an effort worthy of lostva...<p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited April 11, 2000).]

But I still own the championship for long posts!! <P>Hi. Yup, I'm here. Hadn't heard from you, so I just keep looking and checking.<P>Here's bunches of hugs from your sis to help make up for that lousy day.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{DeWayne}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>(Multiply by one million!)<P>IS she working through her stuff, DeWayne? Do you actually see positive changes? In her thinking as well as her actions?<P>I don't know what to say, Hon. I just really don't. Just wanted you to know that I'm here with you and sending my best thoughts your way.<P>Talk to you soon. <P>Luv ya,<P>Lori

DeWayne,<P>Hey! I read thru it too! Not much advice today. Just wanted to say Hi and send good thoughts and (((((HUGS))))) your way. <P>Mitzi

Well, there he is!!!! <P>Hiya Heartpain....just why do you stay away from us for so long? You know we worry!!!!<P>And Congrats on a story-length worthy of our Lostva......anything we do that gets us closer to being like her is a plus - right?<P>It sounds like little by little there is progress....I think you see it - don't you? C'mon (poke in ribs) admit it!!!<P>We're going to say this all together now....ready.... one, two, three ..<BR> <BR> "TIME AND PATIENCE"<P>Very Good People!!!!!!<P>I have been waiting to hear the new storyline for us Warrior Princesses...<BR>You have to incorporate Lori's Robert into this now.....<P>Oh, and I need a new salmon.....mine lost all the magic - too many Whack-A-Doodles ; too little magic!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

OK, guys, here goes....<P><B>Lori -</B> I think she is <I>starting</I> to work thru some of her stuff. As far as OM is concerned, I believe that her contact now is work-only. There haven't been any phone calls at home in a long time. She has also been talking more about the bad things that happened to her when she was growing up and starting to see how these could affect her adult interactions.<P>Just the other day when she had talked about a particular incident, I asked if she saw how it affected her as an adult and she said yes. I also asked if she thought that it could have influenced her interactions with me and she responded in the affirmative to that as well. BUT, she doesn't yet connect all of that to the problems we had in the marriage.<P>One other improvement has been that until last night, she has been much more understanding of things that I say, feel and do. Last night was a real setback in that.<P>Thanks for the million hugs, they felt good. I think I'm more frustrated than down. Time alone is not going to solve this. I really feel I have to provide something proactively, but I cannot figure out what it is.<P>I'll give you a call later today or tomorrow...<P>Luv ya bunches, Sis...<P><BR><B>Hi Mitzi -</B> I really do understand that at least at this instant in time and for future potential, I have it so much better than most of you. It's just that things are pretty tenuous right now. I've given up more than once and had her lasso me right back.<P>You're going thru a lot right now, so you hang in there, ya hear??<P>Hugs back your way...<P><BR><B>Sheba -</B> I think you need a new salmon because you've whacked me so many times with it...LOL...Hey, and, what was with the crack about the "pessimism category" on the Oscars post??? Are you some how trying to imply that I don't go around all day singing "This Little Light of Mine"??? LOL<P>I check here multiple times a day, but after reading a few posts, I get discouraged from replying. I'm not a good advisor...<P>Yeah, there <I>is</I> some progress, but it seems that for every step forward there is a step, sometimes two backward. We seem to retread the same ground multiple times.<P>"Time and patience", huh?? Well it's now over a year, patience is a virtue and most of the time I'm not a very virtuous person, so I may be in trouble here...<P>Maybe I need the diversion of a creating a new storyline for the "Warrior Princesses". I'll see what I can do.<P>Hugs to you there ....<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>Hey...been thinking of you. Sounds like your W still is dealing with some withdrawal depression. That may explain the "coming and going" of her happy moods. Is she on any meds? Perhaps she could benefit from meds if she isn't already on them. Just a thought.<P>Still praying for you guys....Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

<B>Hi Desiree -</B> Nice to hear from you, been thinking about you lately, too.<P>Susan was on Celexa for about a year, then recently stopped taking it and started with St. John's Wort. She claims it is helping her with the only symptom she claims....snapping at people at work. Funny, she doesn't see any connection with how she treats me. Maybe there isn't, I don't know.<P>As for "withdrawal", I don't know if that is an issue or not. I have no idea where she is with OM right now...just won't talk at home when I'm there anymore...<P>Hugs to you...<P>--DeWayne--