Hi,<BR> My wife left me three weeks ago. We hadn't been getting along too well or seeing much of each other over the past six months or so, but she's almost done with college (5 or 6 more classes) and I assumed that things were going to get better. We've never had any MAJOR arguments; we don't like to fight because both of our parents did so when we were children (both sets divorced when we were 10 yrs. old). The worst thing we've done is not communicate; there's no abuse and our children are very happy and well-rounded. She told me on that Sunday, March 19th, that she was having an affair with a friend I've known for 7 years; I had absolutely no idea that this was happening, so it was a crippling bombshell to me. She said she needed some time to herself (to "find herself"), and wanted to get away. I suggested a few places, but she said she'd rather stay with this guy because he's her friend, confidant, etc. and had no other options. She left me that same night... We're seeing a counselor but she still says she has made up her mind that she wants to leave. She says she's been unhappy about a lot of things for ten years of our marriage, but always kept it bottled up inside her.<BR> So, I'm in the house with my kids (two daughters ages 8 & 10), and she drops by in the evening for a couple of hours to try and help out. She goes back to this guys' apartment at night and comes back the next day to pick the kids up from school or shows up after her classes. It's been this way for nearly over 3 weeks now, and it's killing me. Our counselor tells me to be patient and wait it out so that he can sort out things and provide some answers for us. I know I'm supposed to do what's best for the children, but I would like to seek full custody of them so that they would be prevented from staying in his apartment with her half the time; he is not a kid person (never been married, never had children). I think that it's best for them to live in their own house (he lives in another school district too). But, she hasn't *completely* abandoned us and feels a lot of guilt about what she's done, but she wants to play both roles right now which isn't fair to me or the kids.<BR> I am perhaps fool-heartedly hoping for a reconciliation; I haven't even thought about how it would be to live with her again after all's she done and the hurtful things she's said to me. But, I really do have a lot of empathy for her, too. She has been going to college for eight years now, and is so close to that degree in agricultural engineering. She's working 30 hours a week (the same place that her boyfriend works, though), and she had been home alone with the kids too much over the years. It took me a while to finish school and I've had a job for the past two years that has required me to work some weeknights and weekends; but, with the busy times come slow times. I am thankful that I do know how to take care of a household (cooking, cleaning, washing, reading, homework, baths, pets, etc.) because her demands with work and school (and my job flexibility, thank goodness) have required/allowed me to do so. She's depressed (and taking the anti-depressant 'Zoloft' for it) and felt as if she had a breakdown on March 19th; he was there for her so she clung.<BR> She has been the greatest mother to our children, and a loving wife to me. All of this is just a landslide and I feel like I don't even have time to think (and neither does she). With the advice of our counselor, I have been patient and responsible. She wants to mediate the situation and has already told me that I can have full custody if that's what I want. She wants to be able to see the kids anytime she wishes, though. Her and I still talk cordially sometimes, and we worked out a preliminary dissolution plan over the weekend. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow morning. Again, I don't want this and I feel like I should be waking up from my nightmare any day now, but I also need to accept the fact that she doesn't want to come back and has closed the door.<BR> I'm confused, scared, angry, and alone. With the nutshell explanation I've given you, what would be the best path I could take right now regarding her and I? I'm putting the kids needs first, of course; have been for the past three weeks. Thanks...<P>theo<BR>

Theo,<BR> I don't have a lot of advice for you...NSR will probably send you the "welcome" thread shortly. I do want to say that it's been 9 months since discovery of my w's affair and it is still a long way for me to go. In a way, it is good your w is living with the om...almost all of these affairs fall apart and if they are together constantly, it will make the fantasy end that much quicker. My w's was via the internet and long distance...so it is harder for "reality" to intervene. Hang in there and don't give up hope. if you love your w, you can DO THIS. Read all of the info on this site and definatley pick up "Surviving An Affair". It will be a tremendous help.<P>Arrow

Theo,<P> I should also add...My w wanted to end it too...the things your w is saying are very typical and "subject to change"...especially when the fantasy ends. Look into Plan A and do it the best you can..NOW!<P>Arrow

Theo,<P> Sorry for forgetting this...you talked of going to a divorce lawyer...If you do not want a divorce, don't pursue it. Let her file if it's what she wants. IMHO she would love for you to do the "dirty work". It helps justify her behavior and attitude towards you. Unless custody is an issue...wait it out.<P>Arrow

Arrow, custody IS an issue, so I feel that I must act now or risk losing what I have...<P>theo

Theo,<BR> You said that she doesn't want full custody, so I might wait and see. Do you think she will change her mind and seek to get custody? Since she is knee deep in an affair, I doubt she wants custody...it would ruin all the "free and easy" fun! I just wouldn't rush into anything that you don't really want. Maybe you can just ask your lawyer...document that she left, ect. I know that if I had filed back in August, I would be divorced now instead of living with my w and attempting to rebuild my marriage (attempting is the right word!!!). <P>Arrow

Theo,<P> BTW, My w left for several months AND left our child. It would have got in her way, I'm sure!

Arrow, she may change her mind and want full or joint custody someday; of course, she really doesn't know what she wants right now (except to be herself, be happy, and be independent). She wants the option of allowing the kids to choose their home once they turn thirteen years old, and she wants them to stay at her place once she marries the OM (they've talked about getting a bigger place together, not certain about the marriage part).<BR> Y'know, we never had a choice ten years ago; she was pregnant with our oldest daughter and we married when she was 3 months along...it was the right thing to do. We had been dating for two years prior and I knew that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with anyway. It was a 'no-brainer'; I see that 'no-brainer' has many other meanings now! Anyway, she wants to have the freedom to choose her life, and she believes that is what she is doing at this point. I asked her on Saturday, "What will you do if you regret this decision you've made somewhere down the road?". Her reply was that she caused this situation and would have to deal with it herself.<BR> Again, a reminder that this whole situation is a little over three weeks old and we're both floundering as much as we did 10 years ago when the EPT test came up positive...she seems to know exactly what she wants, but has guilt, shame, uncertainty, and loss in much the same way I'm experiencing it. I really do feel for her...<P>theo

Theo,<P> I know that this is a tough time for you, but as you mentioned, it is only 3 weeks old. I will almost guarantee you that she is so far into the fantasy that she can not think of anything else. Do not expect her to say things that make sense. How long has this affair been going on? You really need to Plan A her right now...PLEASE read the info on it...you are going to be on the rollercoaster ride of your life right now...that much I know. You need to determine what YOU did not do in your marriage and work on changing your behaviors. I know your w is as much to blame for problems in your marriage, but the only thing you can control/change right now is YOU. If she sees positive changes in you, it will help you in the long run. You should also try to find out what needs she has that you were not meeting and attempt to meet them. I promise you there are some, because the om is meeting them right now. She will most likely not let you meet them, but you should try to anyway. She will notice, I promise you. You have a big advantage over the om...kids, history, home, ect. This is all part of Plan A. It is one sided...you have to do all the work with no return on your investment in the short term..but hopefully it will lead to reconcilliation in the long term. This will be the toughest job you have ever done! Post here when you get down...it helps. Don't push your w with begging, ect...just make changes in you and try to be there for her. I would also suggest you try to get counseling for both of you. Have you tried Steve Harley? You can make a telephone session with him (details on this site). He is very good and he can "coach" you. I have used him and I will tell you that his advice is right on the money. He has hit the mark on just about everything in my situation. <BR> Again, Please read about Plan A and don't forget this: It is not your fault she had the affair. It takes two to make a marriage work or fail. Fix your part and hang on...she very well may come back and then you can BOTH work on things.<P>Arrow

thanks Arrow, I will pick up the book and give Plan A an attempt. I've asked her about things I could've done differently (we talked for several hours the first week just about us, and I learned a lot of things), but she has told me that anything I try to do her for her now only makes her resentful of me. I'll keep trying though, because I understand that's a typical response.<BR> We have been going to counseling; joint once, individually twice (for each of us), and then another joint session this Friday. The counselor told me just to keep doing what I'm doing (taking care of the kids, the house, other responsibilities) and to wait until he had more information to assess the situation. I believe I'm still in shock, so it's been easier than I thought for me to do routine things.<BR> I would like to call Steve, but I've got a car in the shop for repairs and this first time legal fee of $150 for tomorrow, so I'm going to just have to purchase the book for now. Thanks for all your help and kind words, Arrow...<P>take care,<BR>theo<BR>

theo:<P>My heart goes out to you.<P>I would advise going to the lawyer and making sure that you are covered for if/when she files for divorce, but don't do any of the filing yourself. React to the threat; don't act on it.<P>I know this is a horrible time. I wish there were something I could say to make it better, but there isn't. You just have to stay the course and do what you feel is best. Reading the books is a good start, both Dr. Harley's books and others (go to your favorite on-line bookseller and search on "infidelity" and you'll find a depressingly large number of books to choose from). No one thing will work for everyone, but you can get a lot of things to choose from there.<P>Best wishes to you. --HBC

Theo, <P>This is just my observation. You work full time and take care of children. Your wife goes to school, takes care of children and works 30 hours a week. You and she obviously have spent almost no time together. In addition, her 30 hours of working have been spent with the other man! Of course, she would love him more than you. He has been with her more. I know that this is not completely your fault, but the lack of time has had a tremendous effect on your marriage. Now she spends all of her time with the other man and you have none. <P>Now, here is my advice: I think the other man has about 3-4 weeks before the reality of taking on a wife and another man's kids really hits him. This will cause tremendous pressure on their relationship. When, not if, this happens, you can be there to be the understanding person who can help your wife. Become the "other man" to her boyfriend. <P>In the meantime, continue to be as loving and as good a husband as you can be. Let your wife know that you know that you contributed to her unhappiness and you have every intention of changing. Do this without being condemning or rude to her in any way. Be loving and caring to your kids, they really need a stable parent now. Because of the condition of your marriage,your wife will resent this at first, but do not be discouraged. Continually be loving to everyone in your life. Do not criticize your wife or talk to anyone about her to anyone at all, and don't let your kids talk about her either. <P>I believe that within 60-90 days at the most, your wife will come to her senses.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

thanks to you too, John...I did see a lawyer yesterday. He stated that I did have a very good case because of all the mistakes she's made. But, I didn't proceed with filing anything. I'm going to follow Plan A on advice from you and Arrow. I picked up 'Surviving An Affair' Tuesday night and I've almost finished it. Jeez, I mentioned the book to our counselor and he had never heard of it...you'd think he'd know about it (or maybe there are just too many books out there). I'm going to wait until she talks to her lawyer next week, go along with the dissolution agreeement, and try to slow the process down as much as I can.<BR> Time may be on my side at this point...<P>take care,<BR>theo

Sorry it was the 13th. I two went through something simular to yours. We have 7 years under our belt since then. I feel for the most part I trust again and we have had some good times. We still have many other issues we work through, but that is not one of them. I do feel it made us grow up in some ways. I have a boy that came out of her time away from home and that took some work to get through that also. It also brought issues with his father trying to surface, but we even grew through some of that. Love is a choice and I think we can get over a lot if we chose, I just don't know always if we want to face the work some of our choices make. I will try to check in and see your up dates. Here is wishing you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Married Man Trying & doing better day by day.