I love my husband......<P>I really do.<P>But the baggage is too much, and yes, I quite often over-react to the baggage...but I really feel that I must protect myself.<P>I think it is time for me to move out....don't misunderstand, I think we can maintain a relationship...even this way...it would just be that we would live in seperate homes, share custody of our son and date each other. <P>Deut's ex-wife, her mother and his son are the problem.....I am being blamed and accused of all sorts of untruths, the latest is that I am saying bad things about his son's mother, (as per what his son allegedly told the ex....the ex's mom called Deut last night and screamed at him and wailed all over him for a good 30-40 minutes) our case worker from the Department of Youth Protection called this morning, Deut just left to go and speak with her and I have had it.<P>the problem may seem petty, but after 5 years of this, I'm done. what if this kid and his mom decide to accuse me of molesting him someday?...or anything else, for that matter. If I don't live here, and I am only 'the girlfriend', I may spare myself some of this crap.<P>this all started because for the last 3 weekends, my stepson has not wanted to change his clothing all weekend(preferring to wear what his mom put him in), nor does he want me to launder anything, (he has to go to church sundays for his first communion school...desn't matter to him that he is filthy and smells), nor does he want to bathe (even though he knows if he does not, we get in such [censored] from his mom)...I told him that I would not do anything or give in to things that I know would make his mom mad... I also told him that I was tired of her always being angry with us, and that I did not want to give her any reasons to attack his Dad ever again.<P>Well these are the horrible things I said that have caused all this mess.<P>when Deut spoke to his son's gramma lastnight, and stood up for me, she then yelled at him and accused him of saying that her angelic grandson is a liar....of course, we all know that a 9 yr. old boy is incapable of lying.....right?...like the time she freaked, believing her son when he told her we weren't feeding him, (because we would not let him have snacks at 10pm once) or letting him drink, or that we made him a slave all the time (we asked him to move some small branches when cleaning up the yard last year).<P>I think I have lost hope...I can't continue doing this for the next 9 years.....<P><BR>there are also other minor matters such as I am doing 90% of the house-work (in a 5 bedroom, 2-level home) even after spending 6 hours a day cleaning other people's houses...Deut does try to help, but vacuuming 1 room just isn't enough help....I asked him to clean up some dog poop on the stairs 4 days ago (and since reminded him daily).....it is now a hard little ball.....still on the stair....I know, you are shaking your heads thinking, this woman is a nut...why doesn't she just pick it up herself???.....because I always end up doing just that......I end up picking up after Deut, his son, my son, and everybody else that comes over....I feel like a glorified maid, and I just wanted to see if he would do something I asked him to...I did not expect him to read my mind, I asked outright... <P>I am emotionally exhausted by all this....the situation with his son, not the dog poop...... <P>6 months since D-day, and I can't take this life anymore....<P>I amthinking of writing Deut a letter suggesting that we live apart, stay together as a couple, but that for my self-preservation, I don't see another way...<P>I asked Deut how we would broach this with his son (he comes on fridays for weekends), and Deut didn't think we should even bring it up....I mean, this kid goes home, gets grilled, tells his mom whatever, and the [censored] hits the fan...but we should not bring it up to him as to what he is saying and why???<P>this is the now 9 yr. old who at 4 yrs, told me (while I was pregnant) that he wanted to stab me and watch my baby bleed.....he also has repeatedly told both his dad and me that I should go away then his dad could live with his mom...I know this is normal for children of divorce, but I can't take it anymore...<P><BR>going upstairs to find the suitcases....any input from you wonderful people???<P><BR>Dylan<P>

Dylan,<P>I really don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I did read this and I can understand why you are tired! Take care of you!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Mitzi

soulloss - I don't know if you remember me but I wrote to you a while back, exact same situation and I didn't email you as you requested because I didn't know what to say to you. I'm kind of a cyber dummy and I really have a hard time communicating with written word. (I'm a big talker in person) But I feel the need to speak with you. My god, we've been getting daily emails from H's ex accusing me of favoring my child over hers and demanding that we either change our parenting or she's going to deny visitation. I swear we are leading parallel lives. (My husband had an affair Jan 1999) We really should talk. email me. ndt28@hotmail.com

soulloss,<P>I don't understand why you are in the position of telling the boy to bathe or change his clothes or whatever - shouldn't that be Deut's job? And if he doesn't want to, or his son refuses, big deal. No one ever died from not changing his clothes for 48 hours. It seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you just avoided telling him to do or not do anything, unless necessary to prevent endangerment. <P>BTW, are you sure the boy is grilled? My kids come home from the OW's and sometimes tell me lots of stuff, sometimes more than I really want to hear.<P>I don't think you should blame him for what he said when he was 4. I am sure that that comment must have been awful for you, but four year olds are too young to understand concepts like the permanence of death.

((((Dylan))))

Dylan,<P>I will email you. Or even call if you want. I still have your number.<BR>Let me know if you need to talk. I am here for you, even though I am thousands of miles away.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DYLAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

I've been worried about you when you didn't answer my e-mails. Now I know why.<P>Take a million deep breaths, my friend. I'm here if you need me. BTW, you're gonna have mail!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dylan}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Hi Dylan--<P>You hang in there, ok? I mean it. <P>Here's a website address which is quite interesting, re divorce-related malicious mother syndrome. Tom's Ex certainly fit this description, at least for awhile, and if too extreme in Deut's Ex's case, you may relate to some of the info.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/5243/malice.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/5243/malice.html</A> <P>Sounds to me like SS is being allowed, by EVERYone to manipulate. I don't think this is an intentional thing on your part, maybe not even on Ex's part. But it's happening, and he needs everyone's calm guidance to equip him for a healthy adulthood. My comments will be directed toward you because you're the one posting! Children need guidance and limits set by caring parents (I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know!). Enter the problem--the step-parent who is gifted with the responsibility of being an important part of the step-child's life with the least back-up to make this gel. Who's the "outsider" in this? No one. But it sure feels like that sometimes, mostly for the step-parent and child, caught in the middle of the life change.<P>I note your thoughts on moving out and dating Deut. Dr. Harley even recommends this in rough cases. Maybe I can help you, along with the others, to see that there are options short of what you're considering. Not only am I concerned that this will create an incredible hardship on your relationship, but it may also affect your SS negatively--another important person "leaving" which alters his life and the ranging emotions that he is the reason (from glee to guilt and sadness).<P>You will need Deut's help. I'm glad he reads the board (still does?). It's wonderful to see two people who care enough to post to each other, and others, as they find the way to their own healthy, happy relationship. I really feel a separation of living space is NOT the answer here. It would be another adjustment. Adjustments take time amid the extra confusions created! So while it may SEEM a plausible solution, I truly believe the negatives outweigh the positives because the underlying problems still exist. <P>No. 1--talk to Deut. You're an "old MB pro," you already know this. Talk to him calmly while expressing your feelings. Both of you brainstorm different solutions. Try new approaches. If they don't work, back to the drawing board. And what works for some, doesn't always work for others, but YOU may find that unique solution along the way. I'm thinkin' your strong, loving character WILL persevere. <P>No. 2--Remember that while several years are invested in your blended family, a blended family will NEVER function exactly like we'd wish. Children of divorce/visitation feel buffeted between two households even in the best of circumstances. Their feelings are so intense sometimes they don't even act like children but little adults of wretched circumstances, there's a feeling of having to "grow up" too quickly with their pain of parents split apart. Manipulating "wins" by pitting all their caregivers against each other does not provide any true sense of satisfaction (it can't, being children, they're not "really" in control)...but they don't know what else to do. They are rude and seemingly uncaring out of loyalty for the absent parent. Then they're beautifully behaved and sweet, but worry that they're still doing something wrong--will the absent parent approve? What to do, what to do...well, this is what we do: our best amid all the mistakes, JUST like they do. Cast aside those expectations and re-write your homelife book.<P>Consider all the options, and I do mean ALL. Yes, moving out IS one of the options. But there are many others. And while you're considering, a feeling must remain strong. That feeling of whatever may happen, we ARE going to get through this together. We're not going to quit--when we get SO disjointed and upset we FEEL like quitting it's NOT yet time to quit. It's simply time to regroup and think of another way to HELP it work! Try those in-between options, every single one of them, before an extreme option is put into place.<P>Some thoughts. SS doesn't want to take a bath? Well, can't go to church all dirty, it just "isn't done," or is it? He may CHOOSE to run around showerless, but he'll have to realize some kind of result for his actions here (falling WAY short of upsetting you, that's the thing that isn't working, right? He already knows it upsets you. So surprise him, it doesn't any more). Is it not going to church for now? (Extreme yes, rather like the a parent telling a child that the car just won't "go" until everyone is buckled in. But a possibility esp. if he enjoys going to church. My SS gets ready with shoe-shine precision at the mere thought of that bountiful doughnut table for social hour afterwards!) <P>Is it no dessert for not minding? Is it Deut simply plopping him in the shower and telling him he's sorry a shower wasn't on his agenda but it IS on [both] yours for him, tickle, tickle. Is it enticing him with an extra privilege if he cooperates? (In that "spoiling" category, but hey, if it works until this phase passes and less emphasis is on cleanliness or lack thereof, so what. Could still be worked well, "whew, I gotta reward you just for taking a shower? If I didn't have to do THAT, you just might see a regular allowance for helping me with something ELSE...but you decide, doing what we all NEED to do that takes 5 minutes or moving on to...hmmm, what could it be...." (Seed of possible interest planted with more willing compliance and chatter, plus, he feels he's getting to choose.) <P>Is it going overboard on praise for something you feel is a necessity that doesn't NEED high praise? A silly dance of "all praise to our "Mr. Clean!" may seem to fall on little irritated ears, but actually be a soothing balm of caring he understands. <P>If it works within common sense care for a child, try it. Might be the key. Maybe it's letting him use a touch of dad's cologne or aftershave after his shower or providing his own (perhaps a seemingly offhanded comment rather than an effusive one--"mmm, somebody smells nice"). <P>Whichever techniques you try, the less confrontational SS perceives it, the more cooperative he will end up. Perhaps it's overlooking the problem entirely--if he doesn't want to take a shower on the weekend it's no skin off your nose. Another child might innocently insult him by telling him he stinks, and the problem is solved FOR you! Maybe it's even a "race" to the shower!<P>Find what works. And...while you're experimenting, realize you CAN make these things feel less aggravating in the big scheme of things. It's okay to do your own thing too, Dylan. Leave those "boys" on their own sometimes to do something selfishly rewarding for you! They sure do it, don't they? You're entitled too. <P>If Deut won't pick up that dog poop on the stairs (and believe me, I KNOW where you're coming from...asking and building up resentment)...well, so what. You just walked by it 20 times and noticed, let's admit it, you could have cleaned it up yourself. I know you already know that. But what you CAN do to stop that build-up of resentment is to calmly mention that you DID clean it up, would Deut mind emptying the dishwasher instead?--with agreement, what a marvelous H you have! Oh and honey...if you do happen to see more poop on the stairs and clean it up, would you point it out? I love being aware and THANKING you for how much you DO help me....you get the drift. <P>You are doing SO all right, it's great. You need a pat on the back. Just keep trying.<P>I'll try to post more thoughts on the ongoing conflict between you two and the Ex and family later, but I've bent your ear long enough!

(((((((((((Mitzi))))))))))<BR>thank you.<P>((((((((((Slyone)))))))<BR>yes, I remember you....we are living in a similar twilight zone, I think...I found this great 2nd wives club website to go vent on..you will have e-mail later today when I finish with this novel....LOL<P><BR>(((((((((Nellie))))))))<BR>because my ss has been told not to listen to or respect me and that I have nothing to do with his life other than being his dad's 'girlfriend', deut and i present a 'united front' when talking to ss, or reprimanding him, or asking him to do things...Deut want to contradict his ex..show my ss that I 'count', and that I am every bit to be respected as Deut is...<BR>my ss won't die from not bathing, but rather, its the problems that arise with the ex if he doesn't bathe or his clothes aren't laundered.<BR>she complain, rants and raves and makes an issue...a VERY LARGE issue of each and every little thing ss complains about..she then rages at the social worker assigned to her, and then we get 'visits' fro the social worker, and have to face accusations of neglect due to lack of hygene...answering each of these allegations is a long, drawn out process..we have to miss work, to be available for the worker, there are always a myrias of questions to answer, the house to be presentable for said visit...repeatedly, a lot of stress on all of us in the household..all because of a bath not being taken, by the child's own choice!!!<BR>so, no, he won't die, but our lives aare made a legal living hell each and every time...it may seem petty-ish to some, but not in the middle of our peculiar mess where every thing is a point of legal contention.<P>the previous worker made a note in our file, that during an 'interview' it was obvious toher that the boy had been coachedin his responses, and that he admitted to mommy asking him everything that happens at daddys house.<P>when he is here with us, we never ask, but he never divulges anything that goes on at either his mom's or gramma's house.<P><BR>(((((((No Trust))))))))<BR>I believe I owe you an e-mail, my friend!!<P><BR>(((((((((((Nicole))))))))<BR>just checked my e-mail....you will have mail soon...and I too, hate this place too sometimes..I know what you meant <P>(((((((((((Lori)))))))))))<BR>**sigh**.....just a loop on the roller coaster...but I think I forgot to buckle up!!!<P>(((((((((((Lucks)))))))))<BR>ah, she of the blended family too, and of so much good advice...and whatever happened with the concert, dope smoking and profanity???lol...I tried to keep up!<P>now, here is where the novel really begins, and as it would seem to be growing within, perhaps I should e-mail the manuscript!!LOL<P>thanks for the link...we believe strenuously in malicious mother syndrome in effect here..she has not gotten over the divorce, nor will she ever forgive Deut for what she sees as 'abandoning her (they were married 4 months, the divorce being final the day before she gave birth..she had pulled knives on Deut, tried to put out a lit cig on his face, etc...)<P>I agree that ss has been allowed to manipulate everyone involved but because he himself has been manipulated since birth to be instrument of his father's destruction...we once did not hear a word from him for 4 months and my ss never once expressed misssing his father, or even noticing that he was not being allowed to communicate with his dad...yet, took his mothers side on everythinbg, even when he himself witnessed incidents and then would turn them around, or deny that he ever saw anything...for instance, he actually witnessedhis mother physically attacking his father at the end of jan and now claims to hae been at grammas house..even though he was right there, Deutdropping him off, and his mom throwing herself, nails poised, at Deut's face!!...he will protect his mom with his own sanity, if he has to..that is way too much pressure on a 9 yr. old.<BR>he has been made to feel that his mother's happiness is his responsibility, or that his father is the one that is responsible for making her angry...<BR>did any of that make sense??<BR>If ss does not like a rule, or if he is denied something, he has an all-out tantrum (the kind a 4 yr. old has...flings himself to the ground, much wailing and crying), and demands to be taken to mommy's house. Deut overcompensates for what he feels ae the conditiuons under which his son must live...but all I see is it backfiring...<BR>this child knows he holds power...his mother has told him...<P>on the leaving note, I feel at times that I have no other recourse..I MUST PROTECT MYSELF..his allegations and those of his mother will always be investigated, and I am most often the target..I do not need to live under a smear campaign for the next decade..what if they do accuse me of god knows what..I am no longer willing to have my life affected like this regardless of bended family harmony, relationship harmony, no matter what..I am all I have...I refuse to live under fear....there is the potential for big legal trouble to be brought on by ss telling mom anything he thinks will satisfy her anger at us...<BR>remember, the child will always be believed, guilt assumed, then enquiries to determine innocence....I have my own child and his mental health to think about too..my child lives in a state of constant chaos because of elements out of his control..I can't see how this is fair to him either...<P>I haven't spoken to Deut yet, I am still trying to gauge my emotions right now, and do not want to react soley out of frustration and hopelessness....although he did post to a father's forum that he would do gothrough this turmoil year after year until ss is 18, if necessar, that he would never be seen to be abandoning his child...but I cannot see enduring this situation yearly (ex is cyclical in her attacks and manuverings)....court looms constantly, I am personally bankrupt, the problems never cease..there is always something...there will always be something..ex cannot live without melodrama...I cannot live with it...I fear for my mental health, to tell the truth, I feel really close to the brink of a nervous breakdown...<P>because of our situation, (police called in youth protection when deut was attacked by ex), and as I responded to Nellie, by ss not wanting to bathe, etc....though it is his choice, the consequences of this will not be 'skipping chiurch', as he has to go..he attends special classes given in preparation of his 1st communion in May...he cannot miss any; the consequences are and have been; authorities enquiring into her alledging neglect and dereliction of parental duties on our part, because he won't bathe while in our care. It does not matter to the others involved that these are the choices made by the child himself, it is our fault for not enforcing it!, yet, when we do, and ss does not get 'his way', we pay and suffer as he then will complain about something else, and give his mom any ammo she needs (we now, by order of mom, and backed by youth services, have to give ss a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk before bedtime!!!...this goes against what Deut and I believe (bed on full tummy is not comfy, and nothing but water after teeth have been brushed)...it really does get this petty, and Deut and I are left shaking our heads, at how she can 'win' every round...our parenting choices and styles are never taken into consideration, they are just deemed to antagonize her, so why don't we just give in to keep the peace??..now, ss smugly asks for his bedtime snack, eyeing us defiantly and has even said if we don't, he'll tell mom...<P>if and when we refuse to be manipulated this way, well, all hell can break loose...such as the tantrums and then demanding to be brought back to moms, but when we don't bring him back, she can then accuse Deut of kidnapping him because we are holding him against his will (don't laugh, she has already done this..police arrived and removed the boy from us, even though it was our summer visitation with him...all because, we wouldn't let him have his way regarding something!!!....it has been like this for 4 years...got worse when I gave birth to our son (of course)<P>as for doing my own thing, I am right with you on this one...I think that the most effective compromise might be for me to book my house cleaning clients on sat & sun...the less contact I have with him, the less stories he can tell...the less I can be accused of..i am saddened by this, because I have always cared for my ss, nad really hoped for a close relationship, but I think now, I must not be present for the majority of time he is here..i feel pushed, but if he can make up stories out of thin air, and have them believed by the authorities, or twisted by his mother, I can't win, and must distance myself.<BR> <P> <BR> \\\\\\\\\ Cast aside those expectations and re-write your homelife<BR> book.\\\\\\\\\\\<P>how????....please tell me how!!!<P>looking forward to more pearls of wisdom....<P><BR>Dylan<BR> <P> <BR>

Dylan—<P>You are certainly in a rough spot. I can only imagine your frustrated feelings of helplessness based upon our own continuing saga. H has read your post also but I fell asleep before we could discuss.<P>About the concert, I chose to be neutral and non-complaining about it. Turned out we ran late and H’s friend drove up to the concert separately. That problem went poof--yay!<P>We have primary custody of SS, so we’re able to maintain “damage control” better than in your circumstances. Very similar Ex scenario here. No question she’s still attracted, and if she can’t have him or at least her way, everyone must suffer. She’ll ask for a change in visitation arrangements or demand new stipulations, then not agree to it herself! <P>Just this past weekend, she wanted SS from Thursday-Sunday during spring break. She immediately carted him off to spend the night with a neighboring boy whose mother let them stay up to 4 am watching R-rated movies. This other boy is already a juvenile delinquent and has supervised SS in the fine arts of mailbox destruction. She worked all day Friday (owns her own business) while SS was babysat. Why all the fuss about wanting more time with SS and then not taking advantage of it??<P>And guess what? 4 full days with mom, NO SHOWER! Arrrggghh, so into herself getting her own child to bathe didn’t even enter her mind. SS likes showers when reminded. Would have been nice, after their weekend FISHING trip. To top it off, we had to treat the whole family for head lice infestation. Hmm.<P>Continuous cycle—he goes to mom’s then comes back filthy, frustrated, saying “ain’t,” atrocious table manners, backtalking, and first-of-the-week school conduct is poor. After a couple of days he’s back to his sweeter self, much more relaxed. Oh, I can relate to your SS tantrums; we call it the “ostrich effect,” OR he stomps to his room slamming the door, crying for all to hear. He’s realizing those two techniques do NOT grant his way here and it’s tapering off.<P>PB sandwich and milk at bedtime? You mean, like, IN bed??? That little imp could have his snack at the kitchen table 15 minutes before bedtime, clear his dishes, then brush his teeth and be tucked. And sure, TELL mom everything that happens, kiddo. Confiding in your parents is great! I know, she’ll use anything, everything, and nothing to cause problems, but you gotta teach him the way it SHOULD be, right? And maybe, JUST maybe…one of these days he’ll start confiding in you and Deut and you can help him through problems. We had to explain to SS, after Ex pulled a particularly stressful leaving stunt on him, that people have to find their own happiness, not rely on others to MAKE them happy. He thought about that for awhile, then said, “So, it’s not my fault mommy is so unhappy?” <P>Laura<BR>