What do I do now if I am honest with my husband about my feelings, try these concepts and he tells me I have the problem? It's been a year now and he refuses to work with me on our marriage.

Welcome <B>LadyV</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>About your post...<BR>...I can't tell from it what you've tried or the details of your situation...<P>If you've tried the concepts...<BR>...you must know about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... give a reading of my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> too!<P>Fill us in on some of the details...<BR>Maybe <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is for you maybe not... If you want to... also check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>.<P>Keep posting...<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 12, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LadyV:<BR><B>What do I do now if I am honest with my husband about my feelings, try these concepts and he tells me I have the problem? It's been a year now and he refuses to work with me on our marriage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Ok more details.....<BR>We have been married 18 years. I realize we needed to work on our relationship when he changed shifts in the last year. He has always worked nights and we have had completely seperate lives. I have raised the kids to this point daughters age 12 &17, taught school, and managed a business. Now that he is home, there is nothing to talk about, we don't share the same interest and I feel so lonely. I shared my feelings with him more than a year ago. He refuses to acknowledge we have a problem and doesn't want to do anything with me to change our divided relationship. I'm not in love with him any more, and I'm not angry with him. So we just live like this. I took the emotional needs test and all of the other information. He will not do it. Nevertheless he read mine and says it's my problem. I can stay if I want to or I can go if I'm unhappy. Either way is ok with him. I have to consider the kids. They don't even realize we have a problem because I never ever raise my voice or argue in front of them for any reason. I am miserable though. I'm writing now because physically I am feeling sick, I cry all of the time and no one seems to even know I exist. So what now??????????<P>

Hello LadyV,<P>Ah yes I know the feeling you have and when you add the fact that my h has cheated on me more than once it does get interesting. <P>My h has worked nights most of the almost 22 years we have been married. He is not a man who shows his emotions well at all, and I got him to take the emotional needs things, but it was only after a fight.<P>First I think you sound depressed, very depressed. In fact you sound a lot like me. May I suggest you get to a doctor and discuss your feelings with him/her ? There are medications that can help, there are even OTC herbs that can help, St.Johns Wort comes to mind.<P>Find something to keep your hands and mind occupied, try crafting it helped me stay sane when I discovered hubby's last affair almost 2 years ago. <P>Try to develope some interest in at least one of the things he likes to do. I used to hate the computer, because hubby spent all his time on it, but I learned to use it myself, now we have at least this in common, we started fishing together that helps. He may never be interested in things you like, but if you try to be a part of something he likes he may give a little.<P>18 years is a lot to give up on, I know the feeling of being alone, my son is grown he is now 19. But I am learning that h and I can have a life with each other if we both give a little, somebody has to start the giving tho, it looks like it will have to be you. If you can't beat em join em. You might even like it.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>