He admitted to something from 96.... The girl across the street came home with him from the bar, and they slept on the couch.... no sex.... just kissing. she stayed all night and went home in the morning....<P>He was watching Mighty Joe Black and started really crying for some reason. And said it made him think of 3 things.... and he said my dad, then he said her. He said that it was time that he told me this because either it will break our marriage or help me get past all of it.<P>I had 2 whiskey and coke's in 20 minutes at the bar, and now I have a little numbness. I just wish he'd tell the whole truth and not half truths. <P>I really don't care any more - I've waited so long for the truth, that it doesn't even matter any more. <P>We've done good for 4 days straight. Then he went in the bar last night, so I love busted and told him to get out last night. He slept on the floor in the office. I lovebusted shouting through the door. It was the last straw for me. He used to meet her every night after work in the bar. I wasn't home yesterday evening when he got home from work, so where did he go? The bar... I blew it out of proportion. <P>He said that that he wasn't going to put up with me lovebusting. I said fine, then get out. I told him that I will not put up with him going in the bar, and it is OVER. <P>He watched that movie while I was sewing, and started bawling his eyes out. I cried for the movie, but not when he told me about Jody. I was relieved, but I am also disgusted with him that he couldn't even tell the entire truth. <P>Well, I thought it was a breakthrough towards honesty, but at this point, I don't think it matters. <P>I don't have any plans, I'm not sure I can't lovebust, I'm not sure that he's telling the truth, I don't even care if he has more to tell. I don't feel like I even care anymore. <P>Could be the alcohol. <P>

But in his mind, he never had an affair..... yeah, right.<P>JERK SOMEONE ELSE OFF YOU ###HOLe

Hi TNT -<P>I was so happy to see you had made a post....I have missed you!!!!<P>Now I am sad because my friend is hurting so..... I am sorry for that TNT!!!<P>Yes - the booze doesn't help and I am sure that it is partly that which is speaking here.....<P>He may not have told the whole truth, but TNT - there's a BIG piece of progress with the bit that he did tell you!!!! Finally, a little bit of honesty from this man!!!<P>Hon, that's a good thing!!!! No, it's not what you want....but it is a start!!!<P>And you know what else? YOU helped him get that much out.....<P>I worry about you and the stress that you are stuck in is coming out through reactionary Lovebusters......I think you have to regain some control over those, for your own sake....<P>I know you are hurting and all I can really offer you are some BIG HUGS and as always.....PRAYERS!!!<P>Now try to get some sleep, hard but maybe picture the light at the end of this tunnel as a little brighter from even just a half truth!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba - thanks for replying. I'm sure that if I weren't hurting and angry that you would be making perfect sense. but right now, I'm not so sure how I see things.<P>I think he feels that he turned over some "power" by giving me this confession. He said this will break or make our marriage. He didn't tell me because he loved me and felt bad, or really wanted to help me get past the past, but because it is a "test". So, he is ready for a change - either for the better or worse, he doesn't care. <P>I think I am too.<P>But I feel like he is watching my reaction like I am under a microscope, and I don't like that feeling. I feel like I have to watch my p's and q's, but what I really want to do is let him have it and give him the fifth degree. <P>I'm just trying to "shut up" for a couple of days, and get my thoughts collected - and hopefully resolve to a plan of action soon. <P>Thank you for replying, I know it will make better sense to me tomorrow. I know you are right, but it isn't hitting my heart yet.<P>TNT

Well gee TNT -<P>Of course, it's a test!!!!<P>Why do you think he wouldn't tell the truth to begin with?<P>Because he was scared of your reaction, that's why!!! He still is.. but for some reason is feeling a little safer about what your reaction would be and that is why he said what he said and why he is watching you closely!!!!<P>He's dipping his foot in the water to see how cold it is....when he doesn't get frostbite, he may just dive right in!!!<P>This is a good time for you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and encourage him through your behavior and words to keep telling the truth.....<P>Remember how we need to be steady and safe for our H's? Yelling and such doesn't really fit in with that now, does it?<P>He's afraid TNT....has been all along!!!<P>If your child, or sibling or parent did something wrong - were scared and possibly even ashamed and lied and then you found out the truth....would you be so quick to Lovebust with them? Spouses deserve the same standard of love that we have for other people that we love in our lives!!!<P>You'll realize all this tomorrow....er, later today I mean!!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited December 04, 1999).]

{{{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sometimes...when words fail...a hug is still there. Please accept although it's still dismally lacking in this cyberspace!<P>I've been keeping up, just don't have any darn good advice. Here for you in spirit! Sheba is leading the pack with help for you...wise words indeed from the Queen. Take care of YOU.<P>{{{{{{{{{Sheba}}}}}}}}} I've been reading yours too!! You're doing your best, things are looking up, and I love how you view the world. Keep dancing.<p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited December 04, 1999).]

sheba, you might have a point there, about him being afraid. tnt, remember how the therapist told you you had to make him feel "safe", by not demanding so much truth? (am i remembering that right?) you may be at the end of your rope, and moving from "conflict" to "withdrawal"--not caring anymore--and maybe that is safer for him.<BR>that is what is happening to me, anyway, so i hope im not projecting, here <BR>just hang on a little longer, kay?

TNT - I'm glad to hear from you,even though this is a hard night for you.<P>Hopefully you're sleeping it off as I type this!!<P>Oh, dear friend, I know how very tired you must be. But Sheba's right, you know, even a half truth is a big step for him. <P>I think it's good to take a couple of days to rest and break from this. If you can. It may give you a different perspective.<P>Don't have any wise advice, but you are in my prayers, as always, and I'm sending good thoughts your way.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Connie-I hadn't heard from you in so long, I was praying things were going well, I think maybe I should pray some more but I believe, like Sheba, that there are some good things to this mess.<BR>She is right, he's opened up his vulnerable part to you, and for the controlling type that is a HUGH step! You are so unhappy and carrying so much weight from all the junk leading up to this that your unable to see this. You have the right to those reactionary LB's, now it's time to take control over the one thing you do have control over-yourself! <BR>Know that we are here for you, in any way that we can be! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Geez... D Day FINALLY. I guess I graduated from pre-disclosure to partial disclosure. <P>I can't make any guarantees at this point. It is not surprising - the information, but I still feel "slapped in the face" with lies. I still feel he is lying. I feel like he is protecting her by his lying. I told him that it hurts that he is protecting her, and that he doesn't care how I feel.<P>He doesn't care how I feel. What is new, right? <P>I told him we are not having Christmas in our house this year. I am not going to allow a supposed happy time to make family memories be scarred by his affair. No memories are better than scared memories. He had no comment. <P>I never went to bed. I went a head and lovebusted. I told him if he had cared how I felt or given me a hug, or any kind of indication that he cared at the time that he told me, then maybe I wouldn't be so angry. I told him I am very angry because he doesn't care about me one bit. I told him that I feel like he never cared about me, and that I will never believe that he did. <P>He called me every single day in CA begging me to move out here, phone sex, you name it -just 1 month after he moved here. I sold my house, moved away from my 2 sons and drug our son and my daughter to MN to be with him. To be with him, and the rest is history. I sold my HOUSE and gave up my life for a lie. I feel like our entire relationship has been a lie, and is a memory that I wish never existed in my life. I told him that I don't ever want to hear one memory of our married life. That our married life was a sham, and I am ashamed of that time in my life. 10 years of lies. 10 years of memories that to me all feel the same. <P>The memory of our son being born - reminds me of him - reminds me of the lies, reminds me of the pain, reminds me of the more lies reminds me of it is useless.<P>The memory of past Christmas' - is a Christmas in which we endured under a sham of a marriage.<P>Pessemistic? The last 10 years of my life are embarrassing. I wish I had never met him in my entire life. He has hurt me deeper than anyone in my life. And he doesn't care. He really doesn't. <P>

Yup, I understand.<P>Earlier this week my H admitted to "inappropriate feelings" for a woman at the church he's attending alone (n_b not invited, thank you). It, along with the other "inappropriate" relationships (4 in all, plus the woman who came to me and told me to tell my H to leave her alone, but that doesn't count either) were never "affairs" like my affair becuase (all together now!) I slept with the OM once.<P>I'm sorry, I'm probably the WRONG person to respond since I'm sick of the whole thing. <P>You talk about the last 10 yrs. being an embarrassment. I feel the same way. I moved 100 miles, through a major pass that snows closed in the winter, away from my family and friends, just to get away from the "other women" who were "never a threat". And for what? <P>I understand, TNT... and I wish sometimes I didn't.<P>Big Hugs and prayers, hon... we need 'em!<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<P>

i feel like that a lot...why didn't somebody warn me about this guy before i got involved so deep?<BR>don't worry, the pain will fade...eventually

My problem is thats what this guy I'm living with now is like, but the one I married 10 years ago was a totally different guy and I want that one back! The one that dated me for 7 years and convinced me to marry him when I was reluctant. The one who was totally devoted to me and took vows with me. Now I'm stuck with this guy who can't tell me what he has been doing all day, who can't look me in the eye, who hasn't touched me in months. I want an exchange! This one is not the one I agreed to be with. Lora

TNT:<BR>I'm hurting for you.<P>My relationship is also 10 years long, and I know there have been many happy times, even though H now says he can't remember any.<P>My H and I watched a TV sitcom episode (can't remember the name of the show) where the leading guy was in hospital, sedated, waiting for an operation. The leading lady, Helen Hunt, was by his bedside, whispering things such as how much she loved him, and telling him not to die, for she couldn't live without him. My H turned around to me and said he's never felt that way about me, never cared like that about anyone. And you know what? When I ended up in hospital, 5 months pregnant, getting an operation on my stomach that could have been fatal to our unborn,let alone me, my darling, sweet husband started his 'physical' affair!<P>And even though, 16 months after that operation, my H confessed and proceeded to walzt out the door without so much of look back, I <B>can't ever</B> allow my self to regret those years. I have been asked this question many a time by careless colleagues, and my answer is always the samel: to regret those years would be to regret who I am today, and more importantly, to regret the existence of my one and true love, my daughter.<P>Big hugs.....<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

oh yuck, blackheart.<BR>but she's right, tnt. you have a wonderful son to show for all this misery (beautiful flowers grow out of the foulest manure, right?). as much of a lovebuster as it was, i lied to my H and got pregnant with my daughter, with the full understanding it would probably end my marriage. <BR>whether it works out with your H or not, you KNOW you are a great mom.

TNT,<P>When I read your post it brought tears to my eyes. Sheba has given you very good advise. You also have a wonderful ability to really think things through. You perception on things is usually right on.<P>When I have pushed my husband into telling me the truth and I reacted to what he told me I love busted to a degree and cried. That did put him into the position to not feel safe in telling me the truth. Not safe too because he has hurt me so much already that he can't stand hurting me any more.<P>What your husband told you was a start. He was testing the waters. You want the truth as most of us do. Although often we aren't prepared to handle it in the manner <B>they need us to handle it"</B> <P>After your couple of days thinking about this and if you decide you still want to make this marriage work then you have to tell your husband that you are sorry you reacted in such a negative manner. That you have had so much anguish and tension bottled up for so long that you just were unable to control your reactions. That you want to give him the freedom to tell you anything and that you will react in a manner that he is comfortable with. Believe me I know how hard this is. I have failed at it more than once God knows.<P>I think the fact that he cried shows much. I think he loves you and probably is as confused and angry with himself as well as you. He has lived under the tension and anguish you have to just from the other side. Both of you need cleansing. That is the first big step in the recovery process I think. No matter what happens to the marriage at this point with the history the two of you have I think you both need major cleansing.<P>I think you do care and you do love him. I know you believe in the institute of marriage under God's laws. I know you want to do the right thing. Knowing exactly what is right is not always very easy.<P>Don't forget in these trying times the enemy Satan is trying to destroy marriages. He will pull out any stops to do that. We can't give him victory. God is on your side. God is with you. Feel his love, feel his protection. Before you and your husband talk to each other about this again pray and pray hard. <P>I have the impression that your husband doesn't have a close walk with God. Neither does my husband but I think it may be closer to your husbands is. We are there fore unequally yoked. That makes the challenge of all this even harder. Sometimes the enemy is possessing our very own loved ones right in our house.<P>I don't know why God is allowing all this in your life, my life or the life of others on this forum. I do know there is a reason and lessons to learn and strength to be obtained. I wish it would end and I'd learn the lessons I need. I'm sure you wish the same. <P>Try praising the Lord for the small bit of truth that came out. Praise him for your husband such as he is. Pray the prayer for "His Wife" in the "Power of the praying wife." If you don't have it I'll be happy to copy it for you and send it to you via e-mail.<P>I don't know if this will help and my discovery and disclosure from my husband came at a much more rapid pace then yours but, when my husband first had to tell me about what was going on he said he'd only slept with her once. That it had been a very long time ago and never happened again. I didn't believe him. Slowly more and more came out. Now I know nearly all of it. I has been a slow painful process. The roller coaster remember? We are all on one horrifying ride. If you want to continue in your marriage strap in and react like your husband needs you too. <B>You have led him to the water...he is tried to take a drink...it tasted pretty bitter...now he doesn't know if he is going to try to drink again or if it would be better to die of thirst.</B> That may be a pour analogy but it is the best I can come up with. You have the ability with God's help to make that water sweet and refreshing. My husband did tell me in the beginning that it was such a relief for it to be out in the open. It took such a huge burden away from him.<P>I so wish I could be physically present in your life and give you the hugs you need right now. Know they are coming through cyber space. You have gotten me through so much. I have deep love for you. I know that is pale in comparison to the love you crave from your husband.<P>I hope I haven't angered you with this post. I ramble and I may be coming from a direction you don't need right now or want. Still I really do care. <P>I am headed for the mantle right now. Lighting the candle for you. I wish I could do more.<P>Much love to you,<P>Ps. Sorry I wasn't here last night and saw this earlier. My mother in law was here and I really didn't get the chance to come on.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Oh Blackheart- I am so sorry. I am pregnant now (8 1/2 months) and was so when I found out about H's affiar. What a thing that you had to live through in your hour of need.<P>TNT- your lovebusting is quite approriate right now. You have asked, wanted and needed the truth for so long, but only received half truths. It is hard to wait for them to come around to telling us the full truth and I believe that the full truth is the only thing that sets you free- no matter how horrible it is at the time, it is better to know than wonder if he is lieing.<P>Your anger is "hot" right now. You need time to come around and ask yourself what you really want. Take that time and DO NOT feel guilty lovebusting.

I made myself so sick with my lovebusting and crying, I felt like a bullet would be the only thing that could save me. I can't help but keep breaking out in tears. <P>You are all so good to me, and so in touch with what I am feeling and going through. I don't have much energy - I haven't eaten since Thursday night except one piece of cold pizza and a bowl of clam chowder. I've lost another 5 lbs this weekend.<P>I made myself so sick that I thought my eyes would pop out of my head, and started throwing up blood. I asked him to take me to the hospital so I could get a shot to knock me out. <P>He put me in bed and put a hot washcloth on my head, forced me to take an aspirin and a heating pad on my neck. Then he left for the day. I am exhausted. Headache is gone, but I am so depressed. I don't have the energy to lovebust. Maybe that is good.<P>Thank you for all your prayers, and I will pray before I talk to him again.<P>SD#1 is still staying out all night, left for school Friday morning and got home sometime in the wee hours this morning. She's already left again.<P>The first weekend we arrived here in MN to live, my husband took me to church. To HER church. I am Lutheran Missouri Synod. You only take communion with other Missour Synod Lutherans in our faith. Jody went to the communion table WITH me that Sunday. <P>Now my son is going to be in the Christmas play at that church. I don't even want to go.<P>I don't even want to make one more memory in this family. I want all the memories to pass away.<P>I know I'm down, and you all have said all the right things. Especially you, Samantha. It hurts. Not as bad today, but it hurts.<P>How in the heck do you NOT have sex and just kiss someone and fall asleep together all night. Especially if you've been separated for a while. Give me a break, he thinks I'm really stupid. Insult onto injury. Uggghhh.<P>