Hi bc,<P>I just wanted to see how you are doing today...

NoTrust,<P>Yes I am still around. I had my weekly counseling session yesterday and I felt a bit better about things last night. I actually went out to dinner with a girlfriend. When I got home my H asked if I had been at my parents and when I said no he wanted to know where I was. I just said dinner. It is so funny that he doesn't like it when I ask him where he has been but the one time in a blue moon that I am not home after work he is asking where I was and what I was doing. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that I did something for myself and didn't tell him about it.<P>The same friend I went to dinner with asked me to go out Friday night with a bunch of her friends. I haven't decided if i am going or not but maybe this would also show my H that I am not waiting around any more. There is an Alanon meeting tonight but I am not sure if I can bring myself to go yet or not.<P>I had a talk with one of my H's close friends last night and told him I realized he was my H's friend but I wanted him to know that my H is basically giving everything up for the beer and the OW. His friend agreed and said that he has told my H he doesn't agree with his heavy drinking and seeing the OW. That made me feel a little better that he feels this way. Not that him telling my H what he thinks will change anything.<P>I am trying to decide if I should go to the race track this Saturday where my H will be practicing. I know almost for sure that the OW will be there. It is her weekend off. I want to go to show her I am still in the picture but not sure how I will handle seeing her there. I should realize that I have done nothing wrong and have every right to be there if I want to be I am still married to my H and she is only the "OW". <P>Any thoughts??????

Good morning bc,<P>Hmmm....I thought that you wanted to divorce your H?? Or, you have already started proceedings. You know that things won't change unless he quits drinking. Do you forsee that happenning?<P>I think that you should go out with your girlfriend this Friday. I don't even think that you should tell your H what your plans are. He doesn't tell you when he does his own thing and aren't you in the process of divorce anyway? Just do it. Start living your life as if on your own, to prepare yourself for what it will be like without him. Why should you sit around at home waiting for nothing???<P>As for Saturday, I don't know if you should go or not. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you still want your H back. Just keep in mind, if you want your H back, you shouldn't take back your H if he won't get help for himself. And I don't mean....him telling you that he will. By now, it needs to be proven. He needs to be in some kind of program (rehab, therapy, AA). If you take your H back, you will be getting the "old" him, with all of the horrid and ugly behaviors.<P>I'll be checking in, on & off today. Reply if you can. Here's my e-mail address if you want to write me there instead: alecris@webtv.net<P>p.s. GET YOURSELF TO ALANON!<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited April 13, 2000).]

Yes I have filed for divorce. I am waiting for him to fill out his net worth statement but haven't heard anything about it yet. For as much as he has said to just "get it over and done with", he hasn't really done anything to move the divorce along at all. <P>I know that unless he gets help that things will not change and even if he says they will it won't. I have told myself that if for some reason he does come to his senses and wants to work on things that there are some ground rules:<P>1. Admits that he has a drinking problem and gets help professionally.<BR>2. Goes to counseling with me.<P>If he can't live by those rules then I don't see anything changing and I am sure that the OW will find out in time just how "high maintenance" he is. (expense of drinking, toys etc.) I doubt that she will see him as being such a catch after this comes to light.<P>I think I just might go out Friday with the girls but not tell him what my plans are. Not that I drink but just being out socially might be good for me. <P>Also, tonight is the Alanon meeting that I was thinking about going to. I guess I could just scope it out and see. Nothing ventured nothing gained.<P>Thanks for your support.

bc,<P>Go to the Alanon meeting. You don't have to share at the meeting if you aren't ready to. Just go and listen with an open mind.<P>Alanon meetings are about the most non-threatening yet enlightening places I've ever been. (I'm a Adult Child of an Alcoholic and go to Alanon meetings with that focus but have been to other 'regular' meetings too.)<P>Very nice folks in recovery. Others to share your pain and successes with.<P>Kindest regards,<P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

RobinAnn,<P>Thanks for the insight. I think I will just go and listen and go from there. At least I am not alone in what I am going through. <P>They say many times with alcoholics that affairs are a common occurance especially when the spouse will not drink with them anymore. (which is what I refuse to do)<P>Thank you

bc,<P>In one of my books about affairs, it said that with alcoholics....they are an affair waiting to happen. That sure is true!<P>Robin Ann is absolutely right about Alanon meetings. When you go to the Alanon meeting, you don't have to share if you don't want to. You can just sit there and listen, and know that others are dealing with the similar predicaments that you are dealing with. They will be supportive and you will find comfort.

I think that is what I will do just go and listen and get some comfort from that at least for right now. <P>An affair waiting to happen, that is a good analogy of an alcoholic whether it be with OP or just the alcohol itself.

bc,<BR>Hi, how are you doing tonight? I hope you were able to attend the Al-Anon meeting. It does you good to get out of the house and spend time talking with others, instead of staying at home, cooped up, thinking and worrying. Been there and done that!<P>I go to Al-Anon during lunchtimes sometimes, not as often as I should. I feel better after going though. <P>I agree with NoTrust <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Start living your life as if on your own, to prepare yourself for what it will be like without him. Why should you sit around at home waiting for nothing<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Just be gracious when he asks about what you've been doing. Remember what I told you about doing the opposite of what they expect? <P>You are in my prayers bc. I feel for you. <P>God bless,<BR>AW

AW,<P>Unfortunately I didn't get to the Alanon meeting last night. I got unexpected company and couldn't leave as planned. There are also meetings Monday nights so I am going to go Monday. <P>I know that I shouldn't sit around the house waiting for nothing or waiting for him to change. I can't change him or his behavior. I probably will go out for at least a little while tonight. I am not sure if he has seen the OW this week or spoken with her. I stopped taping the phone and she had stopped calling because my H told her not to call the house. The last night he was out all night was last Saturday. But he has been very busy working in the garage every night and is near exhausted when he does come in the house.<P>I shouldn't even dwell on whether or not they are in contact with each other. He did tell me last night that he has a lead on a job seeing it is time to go back to work.(H works construction) I listened and then went back in the house to do my cleaning.<P>He still asks me to do things for him like get his things ready to go to the race track tomorrow. I don't understand why he thinks that after what he has done I should still be doing him favors. I didn't do what he asked of course I felt like telling him maybe he should ask the OW if she could help him out. <P>He is way out in left field somewhere I think. <P>Thanks for checking in.

bc,<P>I'm glad to see you are spending more time on yourself and spending time with others you support you. You are moving in the right direction. I am also happy to see others posting to you, giving you support and good advice. I have been away, and unfortunately, I will not be able to check into the forum much for the next few months. I have been saying a pray for you everyday. I am glad you are still here, and that others are helping you. As I have suggested to you before, your husband may be waiting to go to AA because he is afraid and does not know how you will think of him. Crazy thinking, right? You are the one to take the lead, and go to AlAlon (sp?). You will be comforted, and it is the right thing to for your family. Keep up the good work, bc. Many people are praying for YOU and your family.<P>Victoria

Victoria,<P>Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am definately going to go to Alanon on Monday night. I am trying to remember what people have told me about alcoholics and that I can't change him and he won't change until and unless he is ready to. The OW definately is enabling him to continue to drink. I just hope that even she realizes that he HAS a problem and if she cares too she will not enable him further. However in her case I think she wants his attention soooooooooo bad she will do anything he wants.<P>If I happen to run into her tomorrow I will be anxious to see if she says anything to me. I would really like to ask her just what long term plans she thinks they might have together. By his actions, he is in no hurry to be divorced because he hasn't done anything to move it along.

bc,<P>If you do see her, keep telling yourself SHE is not the problem. H's drinking is, and he is using her to avoid facing the hard work he will have to do to give up drinking. She may have a problem with drinking also. They both may not realize they are using each other to AVOID the real issue - addition to alcholol (sp?). (I'm a terrrible speller - they dropped phonics just as I was learning to read and spell. Look at the results!)<P>You must retain your cool if you do go out. You can do this. Just smile, and say no more than "umm". Do not get into a conversation with her or your h about her there. Keep telling yourself she is not the problem, she has a problem, and that is not a problem you need to concern yourself with. Your family and yourself is your focus.<P>Remember: No verbale words out of your mouth to her or in response. Just "Umm". Practice "Umm". Sounds good. "Umm" No words ok? It will get you no where. "Umm"<P>You are understandably feeling rejection at the thought of her. Remember my telling you that there are forces that want you to feel this way? It is a way of keeping you from your true goal - peace and happiness. Do not fall for this. You can recgonize that she is just being put in YOUR way to keep you from continuing on the path toward peace and happiness.<P>Think of her in this way. She is being used, she does not know it. But you do, and you will not fall into the trap. YOU are STRONG and WILL lead your family toward peace and happiness. Sat. will be a temptation to step off the path. DO'NT. Go if you want, your h may secrtely want you there. Be strong. Take the high road. "Umm.."<P>then proudly go to Alaon on Monday. You will hear stories that confrim what I am telling you. She is just a way to avoid the horrible task in front of your h. He is slowly coming to this realization. You will do yourself proud and have your h's respect when you 1) do not engage with the 0w but show your strength and 2) when you go to Alaon.<P>Take care, and have a pleasant weekend. Victoria

Victoria,<P>Do you think that he really is just using her to overlook his problem with alcohol and it isn't the fact that he cares for her only her company in the bar or drinking?? As far as meeting his needs, being there on Saturday might be a way to show him the attention or recreational companionship as they call it that he may have been lacking from me in the past. <P>I don't plan on saying anything but was curious in a way to see what she might say or do if I was there. It could be a way of her self-destructing if she blows up at me or says something my H doesn't like. I will practice the UMMMMMM or put some duct tape on my mouth.<P>In fact maybe this will be a very good way to see if the relationship means anything. I have been in the same bar as her before and I was with my H and she made a very big scene. In fact that is how I figured out she was the OW. She was crying, drinking like crazy, got drunk, rubbed her boobs on my H back on the way to the dance floor, danced dirty so to speak with a male friend of my H etc. So this might just push her buttons enough to have my H see her for who and what she really is. And I know for a fact while he is at the race track he will be completely sober. <P>