Thankyou for everyone who has replied to my posts, even those of you with whom I've had disagreements . I feel a little guilty, and slightly sheepish compared to most of the people here. See (and this is review for some of you, I know), I know why my wife had the affair. It was because I was a lousy husband. And she never had sex, or really even came close. Her affair lasted barely a month, and she felt guilty throughout it. And what's more, she says now she's never been more in love with me. She's completely penitent. In fact, today, she took it upon herself to write a scathing letter to the OM telling him how much she resented him for his part in almost breaking up our family, as well as indicating he was a serious dissapointment romantically. So, bottom line, she's doing her part. And yet I feel like it's not getting much better. I still feel a deep distrust for everything she says and does. I have resisted the urge to cheat, even though I still have those feelings, and my outlook for the future is pretty gloomy. It's been a month since I found out now. Are these feeling normal, or should I reexamine my feelings for her? I feel like I love her, but I don't want to perpetuate a situation that breeds this kind of heartache. I don't know that there's an answer. I guess I'm just babbling again

ActusReus,<P>Hang in there, you have a LOT going for you compared to many of us. Give it time. Seek counseling to help work out the resentment issues. <P>Remember the old saying "I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes...until I met a man with no feet."<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>...she never had sex, or really even came close. Her affair lasted barely a month, and she felt guilty throughout it. And what's more, she says now she's never been more in love with me. She's completely penitent. In fact, today, she took it upon herself to write a scathing letter to the OM telling him how much she resented him for his part in almost breaking up our family, as well as indicating he was a serious dissapointment romantically. So, bottom line, she's doing her part.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Count your blessings pal. I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

A month is not nearly enough time to recover from something of this magnitude. Our situations are somewhat similar (brief affair, no sexual intercourse) but the pain from my husband's affair is still very intense.<P>Please take the advice about counseling, and please recognize that your desire to cheat is probably a combination of resentment and a need for validation. Don't give in to those feelings!<P>Most estimates are that it takes at least two years to recover from infidelity. I believe it!<P>Take care,<P>Peppermint

If you don't want to do counseling. I truly believe you have to THOROUGHLY examine the WHY it happened. What needs were not being met. By bringing another person into the equation is not the way to work on a marriage, so first explore what it was that drove her to someone else and what can be done so that it will not happen again. Also, you obviously have some needs heightened right now so you need to communicate that to your wife also.

You also sound pretty depressed. Questioning your lot in life. Angry at yourself too. Your wife is the most convenient target for all these mixed up feelings you are having. If she truly does love you (and it sounds like it does), beleive me, seeing you in pain is probably tearing her apart too. <P>I did something really stupid when i was feeling desperate (i.e. cheating). Mine was very brief too. The EA was about 1-2 months, and I slept with the guy twice within a 1 week period. The following week I ended it. I know the pain you are going through probably seems impossible to even fully comprehend right now. The choices you make now could affect you for the rest of your life (like mine will now). Please find some good counseling. <P>One thing I told my second H before he divorced me, and what I'd like to tell you is that this pain WILL go away in time. Maybe not fully. I will always feel a sense of sadness over my first husband's infidelity, but I certainly don't feel the gut wrenching pain I felt when it first happened. I wanted to stay married to my first H and get counseling, but he wanted a divorce. <P>

Dear friend: Hang in there. It does take time to get through the pain and disappointment and it can be frustrating at times. It's been over two years and my spouse still has his days, but it's getting less and less. In fact, we are learning to be friends and communicate more. Something we were never really good at before.<BR>So you see you and her can learn from past errors, rebuild your relationship and find that your marriage may be better than it ever was before. We still have a long way to go and of course alot of growing to do, but we are going to do this together. <BR>Marriage is a living entity that is continually growing and evolving as it's participants age. It is a lifelong learning process that gets better with time if the participants both contribute to it's growth.<BR>Good luck to you and your spouse.

I agree with what everyone says. It is going to take awhile to heal from your pain. Have you thought about reading Dr. Harley's book His Needs/Her Needs? You might find it at the library. Otherwise I strongly recommend buying the book. It answered a lot of my questions, and was very informative. I believe it could help you shed some light on some things.

ActusReus,<BR>I'm with 2sad4words. I have had to endure 8 affiars and I believe every last one of them was physical as well as emotional. However, I understand why my W did what she did. It is because she doesn't really know what love is. She is to focused on the feeling and an attempt to run away from situations which appear to be to difficult for her.<P>I on the other hand believe in tackling all problems head on. I know i am to focused for her at times and have begun not to let her see that part even though I am still that way. I have gotten better at presenting things in a way that is more meaningful to her. We just got off the phone where she gave me an update about her dental and eye appointments. I wasn't expecting to get that report. So I am certain that I am making much headway.<P>She has had hard life and never really learned how to deal with tough issues rather than run away, just as her father did when her mother became pregnant with someone else's child. I know it would have been hard to deal with but it would have been better for her than what he did.<P>I am rambing way past your topic.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net