To all those whyo have cheated, pls help.<P>My H keeps assuring me that she meant nothing to him, but I keep thinking back to all the time and effort that he spent on her. <P>He took out, wnet to see her, took walks in the park. She even slept over our house one day before they slept together. <P>All this and definitely the talks they had together. He tells me he never said anything negative about me to her at all.<P>He tells me he has no withdrawal symptoms at all. In fact, sometimes, I sense a feeling of disguct from him toward her. I have been wanting to ask him about this, but I don't want to bring her backl up in our lives. <P>I keep seeing those images of the both of them together, having a great time, not so much the sex, just the time that they spent together. <P>What about this "under a spell" thing? He tells me that he felt that way and then finally woke. (Sorry for coming back to this again). I guess I am just trying to understand. Did any of you feel like you were under a spell and you just couldn't get away although everything inside you told you it was wrong?<P>As far as I am concerned, a relationship was developed and it must be hard to let that go. Well, he says he did and he says he doesn't even want to think about her, about what they had.<P>He insists she was no one. But, what about the relationship they developed? Pls help. <P><BR>

Phil-I have to say my H said the exact same thing and said it almost exactly the same way. I felt like you did for a long long time, how could she not mean anything to him? She pursued him, she acted as my friend and she swooped down during a time of trouble in our marriage and yet I couldn't understand why he talks of her with distain.<BR>After 14 months of recovery I finally understand and it really is hard to explain but it wasn't her at all that was the reality of the situation but his flight into fantasy and escape from the reality of all the problems, not only the ones between yourself and him but the other problems he faces on a daily basis.<BR>She wasn't a reality to him, my H even said she stunk at sex, she wouldn't supply his sexual needs, that I did a much better job at that. But she was different from the reality of his life and he needed to escape into something else.<BR>I contribute his disdain to her open pursuit of him while still acting as my "friend". I also think that he is angry and guilty himself and that's his way of letting loose a little of the junk he's carrying. <BR>I also think you've just found out not too long ago about this and your still grieving about the whole thing, when I was in this stage I saw them in my minds eye together having sex and constantly talking me down, my H said he never could find anything bad to say about me because I knew I was at a rough stage in my life and had already started to try and work things out. So, why is it always in your thoughts? Well, I think it was something I needed to work out with him. I can't say it was easy, it wasn't. It does eventually go away given counselling and continued growth in your marriage. I can say it could work out, I am a survivor, a somewhat success story that still lurks here trying to help as many have helped me. <BR>I hope I've helped you! God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

No one knows for sure what is in your H's heart.<P>I truly believe that now that is is over, she means nothing to my H and it makes him sick to think about it or that is was capable of it.<P>But I don't think he thinks about it too much because it is sooo over.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Phil....<BR>My wife hasn't posted here yet, but she takes the time to read posts with me. I know exactly how you feel. My wife has said the same things about OM to me. It is most difficult for me to concentrate on rebuilding what we have lost when <BR>"reminders" pop up when you don't need or expect them. I can only say this to your situation.....take your H's word for what it is. If you truly love each other then you have to start somewhere. Honesty is the only solution in rebuilding trust. As I told my wife I'll never do anything or go anywhere again without "full" disclosure with her and I expect the same in return. It isn't a matter of her privacy, but a matter of our love and relationship. We are one traveling in the same direction not two traveling in parallel directions. It is early in your situation and it won't be easy for you and your H. It is early in ours. Sometimes I think we are moving too fast, but we are experiencing what seems to be a "rebirth" to our marriage and we don't want to miss any of it. We have learned to hug and do the little things for each other that build up deposits in our love banks. Our love for each other is so great. As with your H my wife doesn't want to talk about her pain. I do all the talking it seems. What she and your H need to realize is that we need to know from them how they feel when "reminder" pop up. The more they talk to us honestly the more our trust in them will build. <P>_____________________________________________<P>"It's the little things that mean so much!"