Okay, this post ended up being really long, but I thought I'd add in the background to try to make my situation clear. The world is not crashing in on my as it has been so frequently when I post, but some insight would be appreciated. If details bore you, skip to the last paragraph for my question. <P>H's PA is over and has been over since D-Day (January 9, 2000). OW is not completely out of our lives, but she is not in a favorable light. OW's lease on my condo has almost expired and she has moved out. (Still have to get keys back and do the final walkthrough.) She played a number of silly games as she moved out which just made H think less and less of her. She still works with H (though she has been out a lot this week and I can only hope for job interviews), but has started a cold war at his office with H and me as the enemy. She treats me as if I'm evil incarnate when she happens to run into me (like at the grocery store), which is sad. I guess the nicest thing I could say about her is that she's one mixed up female.<P>I thought earlier that maybe I could consider H and I in recovery, but then I found out that H had been having "Internet Affairs" on and off for almost all of our marriage (three and a half years). I found out about one a couple of years ago, but I had thought that he put an end to it when I told him I didn't approve and I didn't think there were any others. Well, after PA I snooped on a regular basis and found out that he was trying to restart a couple of ..."friendships". <P>I think he tried to restart the internet thing in response to withdrawal. He broke things off with PA OW in no uncertain terms. (I hadn't yet found Marriage Builders when I insisted he e-mail her and tell her good-bye; however, we did almost the exact thing Dr. Harley suggests without knowing it. If anything I would have let the e-mail be nicer if I had read MB first.) He did not so much burn that bridge as nuke it. <P>Thing is, he then went down in the dumps. Way down. That's when I found you all, and after a while I began to figure out what was going on (withdrawal). And that's when he started up the internet garbage. I think this round of Internet affairs was an attempt to feel "fantasy special" again. This still does not address the original reason for them, but I think they were just a precursor to the PA. <P>Anyway. We now have an "open surveillance" plan in place. He can e all he wants but has to let me see everything and not cover anything up when I come up and look over his shoulder. I have to admit that I still spot-check clandestinely as well. H agreed to show me his work e-mail (has a laptop to access that from home). I feel a little like a member of the Secret Police, but it seems to be mostly working. <P>We have been working on fixing the things that led to the affair, though a large part of the problem was a feeling of inferiority on his end (his realization, not mine). There really wasn't a lot of love busting going on that wasn't directly related to secrets about the affair or about these internet relationships, though I'm working on the ones that I still see in myself. H is, too; he has been really sweet with me and our little boy in recent weeks. Not that he was ever an ogre, but he's really trying hard now.<P>Okay, here's the question:<BR>When should I consider myself satisfied that the internet affairs are really over, that there are probably not going to be any more PAs, and that H is truly (not just lip service) committed to making us better?<P>Thanks for taking the time to sift through this one. --HBC

I think it is great that he is cooperating with you by showing you what he is doing on the computer, but what about the underlying issue....the feelings of inferiority????<P>Has he ever thought of going to get some counseling??? It may help<P>I am beginning to wonder if my H had "friendships" on the computer. He also suffers from feelings of inferiority.<P>I know he went in chat rooms some times when he was awake at night and sometimes I would find him on the computer. I generally read over his shoulder and it just looked like stupid wasteful conversation to me....but maybe sometimes it wasn't. <P>I'm actually worried this EA with OP at work may be a tip in the iceberg. But my H is in counseling. He has admitted that he has a problem and that I cannot help him.<P>He is not living here now, but is coming over more and more to see the kids. We are going to talk (finally) in the next week.<P>I am interested in WHAT has happened. I, like so many others, was blindsided.<P>Anyway, not to get off of your question. I think he may want to deal with those underlying feelings....perhaps even read some books on the subject. There is a great book on the myth of male depression called "I don't want to talk about it" You can get it on Amazon. <P>I don't kn0ow if this helped or not, I just wanted to respond. I'm glad you are at least working on your marraige. I still do not know the state of mine!!!!!

You never stop...<BR>...the frequency of checks just decreases...<BR>...gradually!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks to both of you for your responses!<P>Tootrusting: Thanks for the advice on the book. H adamently refuses counseling, but he is starting to talk to a trusted member of the clergy. I think he is realizing that he has many issues to deal with and that the affairs (both PA and "IAs")were symptoms of the problem.<P>You hang in there, tt. I still wonder on the state of my marriage; I just started in as if I knew.<P>Jim: I think you're right. I think I'll be checking forever. I guess I wish I had started the marriage by checking (I've been reading the other parts of the site other than the infidelity sections).<P>The thing is, though, when do I get to believe that the worst is over and I won't find anything new?<P>Thanks for your help! --HBC