Hated to tie up that thread with my crazy responses!<P><BR>What i felt was my H was restricting me from persueing what made me "happy". I wanted to spend all the time i could with OM. <P>Personality change definelty, but that had been coming for years. I lived with a very abusive husband for 8 years. I learned to hide my tears and frustrations. I learned that the only time he " loved" me was when he wanted sex. I learned to fantasize about other men during this time to take the pain out of what he was doing to me, becasue after a time he took what was not freely given.<P>The Om definelty made me feel special. I was overweight and needed attention. I have waist length honey colored hair and green eyes. Taht is all i thought was nice. he made me feel that ALL of me was nice. He made me feel sexy. <P>i became angry at my H for letting meout the door and not loving me enough to keep me faithful, now whether that is relevant or not i do not know.<P>I had to be one person with OM and one with H. I had to be the wife and mother at home with no freedom and a sexy woman with OM. It was so hard living two lives.<P>I am now the person I was when I was 16. I have the freedom to laugh, to dress as I like, to be bubbly and to be pretty without reprecussions of my H. I am back to the oldme, it is like i got lost and now i am found. <P>I am not saying an affair is the answer to marital problems, but, my affair brought my H around to see taht i was desireable to other men and he had better figure out how to change and make me happy or I was going to be loved by someone else.<P>Mercy<BR>

Mercy,<BR> Thanks for your response.When you say"abusive",do you mean he hit you?I wasn't abusive,but my W felt I critisized her at times.I felt she critisized me,but that she felt that was irrelevent.We actually got along very well,like the best of friends.After 21 years,though,she felt our marriage lacked passion,and the OM gave those feelings to her.She felt young and alive again,which I suppose can happen in any long term marriage.<BR> I think my W was also living two lives for a while,one as a wife,the other as a young sexy woman with OM.Are you and your H working things out or not? --Murph

Murphy, your situation sounds identical to mine. Twenty years of marriage. The mutual criticism, the being best friends, the lack of passion just prior to the affair, all sounds the same. Even her OM is 15 years younger. <P>After 21 months into the affair and 6 months since d-day, I'm still hoping we can work it out. I think she too is trying to lead the dual life. Perhaps at 45, there is also the MLC thing going on with her.<P>Just wanted to let you know that someone else is sympathizing with you. I know how you feel. I guess we've just gotta hope things will get better with time (I hate that TIME thing).

TomH,<BR> There seems to be a standard pattern to these MLC's.But my W moved out,and is living with BoyToy.This all started almost 2 years ago(not sure when EA started).She said she would give me almost everything,just wants her freedom,so I'm working on a divorce.Don't think I'd want her back after living with a young stud over a year,and being compared to a standard I can't live up to.It's gone on too long.<P> Am I to understand your W is still living with you,but the affair is STILL going on?How do you tolerate this?You are enabling her to continue being with you,and the OM.Don't you feel like she has no respect for you?Have you read"Tough Love"by James Dobson?It might not hurt to think about giving her an ultimatum,like it suggests.Sure,she might leave,but how long can you let her waffle back and forth?<P> Just my two-bits,perhaps someone else can also help you on this.Take care.--Murph

Murph, thanks for the 2 cents. While it might seem odd that she's still living at home (and believe me, not a day goes by lately that I don't consider that at some point, enough will be enough), I been trying to do the Plan A approach and try to meet the emotional needs she indicated were lacking, which I agree with.<P>Some folks on this board have been doing a Plan A for 8 months to a year. It's been 6 months so far and I haven't convinced myself to throw in the towel yet. Most (notably NSR) say that to move to a Plan B you should have no more love left for the spouse. I still feel much love for her when I'm not being overwhelmed by anxiety.<P>Ultimatums sound good in theory but I feel she's only going to give up the OM when she's good and ready. Plan B might speed up the process but it would be a lot tougher to show her I can meet her EN's if she's not here. Gotta take it day by day, for now.

Murphy,<P>My H was emotionally and mentally abusive. Horribly so. It was almost more damaging than my affair <P>Yes, H and I are working things out. It has been two weeks since contact for me. When I feel the need to contact, I just tell my H. I thought that it would make him feel bad that I would need to call OM, but he says he is here for me no matter what. and that i need to be as honest as i can with him. I did tell him today that the urge to call was almost unbelieveable! I wanted to call so bad!!!!!!!!<P>But, I know that I love my H. Very much. I know taht no one can love me like he can. He is so good to me even when I am not very nice!<P>I know that I am way to good for the likes of OM, he is a player, I knew that then and I know that now. I am a good wife and mother and my family needs me.<P>Mercy<BR>