Hi All,<BR> I've been just lurking for months. Please read my profile if you don't know or remember me. <BR> W is still living with OM. She has filed for D (on Feb 2nd my birthday!!) She used to call everyday, then when OM bought a house(in Dec), no contact. We were even blessed with our first Grandson. Still, very little contact. I have sent cards and letters twice a week or so. She never mentions them.<BR> Then, the day after W went to our daughter's baby shower at my MIL's (which I was excluded from BIG SECRET!) My W calls me. She is SOOO sweet. Tells me about the party. She was told by D NOT to bring OM under any circumstances, she didn't want him there. (D told me that, Thanks honey!! )<BR> I'm sure our nieces and nephews were upset that I wasn't there, I KNOW her mother was and our kids and their spouses were. <BR> Anyway, she has called me 3 times since then. I don't LB and she is sweet as pie. She even sounded conserned that I was sick!! THAT, hasn't happened in a LONG time!! The last time she called she asked me to loan her some money for something ($2000.00) that she will pay back every other week.<BR> I said "You know I'd do anything for you Baby" <BR> I have the money to loan her without hurting myself. I just wonder if I should or not. Is she just using me? She wants to by a parrot to bring to work. She is a LPN and works in a nursing home. It's to help the residents. <BR> Anyway, what do you think about all this oh wise ones!! PLMK THANKS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Frank....<P>Very long time no see... <P>I have somebad new for you buddy...<BR>...she's most likely using you!<P>My W did basically the same thing to me...<BR>...she was oh so sweet rightbefore asking for money...<P>...and once she got it...<BR>...turned into the devil women.<P>I could be wrong here...<BR>...but in my case... it was a clear mistake!!!<P>If your in Plan A... you'd be enabling the affair...<BR>If your in Plan B... NO CONTACT!!!<P>It was good to hear from you again... <P>Jim

Well, Frank, I don't know that this has ever happened before, but for the first time, I have to disagree with Jim. (Now I think the world must be coming to an end!! )<P>She was sweet for a good while before the money came up. You know things are breaking down a bit where she is and that she's not happy and HASN'T been for a while.<P>Her job and the residents of that home are very important to her. She cares about both so much. Maybe I'd feel differently if the loan was for something for HER, but it just seems like a way of reaching out to you to me.<P>I think if you can comfortably lend her the money and you don't feel weird about it, then do it. You've been interacting with her lately. She broke contact for a while, but there have been some pretty close moments off and on, you know? Trust your heart and your prayers. What do your instincts tell you?<P>Luv ya,<P>Lori

I agree with Jim. I think that your W is using you for money.<P>If she needs money, let the OM meet her "financial" needs...

How about this, offer to buy the parrot for her. Then, you know the money is going to a good cause. If you just give her the cash, she may use it for something else. One more thing I've learned - if you lend money to family (which I would regard her as) don't expect to get it back. It would be nice if you did, but don't be surprised if it doesn't.

Been there, done that....and if you loan her money...you will see "stupid" tatooed on your forehead every time you shave.<P>------------------<BR>

I agree with Lori.<P>This can get as nasty as a presidential debate, huh?<P>IF it won't hurt you financially to help your wife, and IF you can loan her the money simply with the understanding that she intends to pay it back, it seems absolutely reasonable to me. She sounds like she is a caring person, and is sincere about the parrot.<P>But, I think you should loan her the money with the understanding that it is nothing more than a loan - it doesn't mean she owes you a dinner date, etc. <P>Good luck!<BR>TNT

Hi PH -<P>I have to agree - go with your instincts!!!!!<P>Maybe even a lovebank deposit opportunity here - what do you think about saying.....<P>"Oh, sweetheart - how nice of you to want to do that for the people at the home!! Could I come with you to get the parrot? I would love to experience the joy on their faces when you bring it to them."<P>Just a thought!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sorry to disagree with you Lori and TNT, but I don't think that it's a good idea to lend the money. If it was something really important (healthwise) then maybe. But I was always taught moneywise, that if you don't have the money for something save for it. If you can live without it, it isn't a necessity. <P>Sorry a parrot,while it may lift their spirits would mean more if she busted her butt for it and saved. Why doesn't the OM help her? She is putting you in a spot to be the bad guy. If she's working can she get a loan or line of credit? <P>My two cents... I just wouldn't expect it back if you do. Her gratitude may be short lived once shes got what she needs. <P>I would never have given my W anything like that unless it was a necessity for the kids or something that affects the health of them.<P>J

NO, NO NO!<P>I am speaking as one who spent years as a quality assurance/ risk manager in long tern care. A parrot is not an appropriate pet for the elderly or for children. A parrot is potentially a dangerous animal. As a risk manager, I would be raising all holy h*ll at the introduction of such a creature into that environment. A budgie, a canary, a kitten, yes, a bird feeder, sure.<P>At best this is ill-advised, at worst it is a scam. Go with it, get in touch with your local kennel club. They have people who go with dogs and let old people pet them. Can anyone pet a parrot? Not without risking losing a finger.<P>Sorry if I seem a bit strident, but this is a really bad idea.

If you do decide to loan her the money,<P> - Get a promissory note in writing and have her sign it. Make sure there is a schedule of repayment, and a deadline when the amount becomes due and payable.<BR> - Charge interest (like 5%).<BR> - Don't loan any more than you are willing to lose without having it ruin the relationship. <P>I also wouldn't expect to see much, if any, of the money again. This may not be a reason to refuse, but it is something to think about beforehand.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522<BR>

WOW!! You guys make this tough!! I didn't think that I'd get this many responses!!<BR>The vote so far <BR>GIVE IT TO HER (Or trust your instincts) 5<BR>NO NO NO 5<BR> <BR> Jim, <BR> Thanks for remembering me buddy (that's one of the reasons I stopped posting! I thought it was so long people forgot me!!) <BR> If she IS using me I LOVE the fact that she's using ME and not OM!! I'm her H, I'm her family (at least for now) who do you turn to but FAMILY!! <BR> I have put this whole mess in GOD'S hands(separation, infidelity, pending D) because I'm in WAY WAY over my head. WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?) He'd loan her the money. WHY? because we are to forgive 7 x 70!!! Hey, now that I know SOMEONE remembers me I'll hang out more!! <P>Lori, <BR> Yes, she has been unhappy and my instincts NEVER hesitated!! My "heart" said YES the second after she asked me. Luv you too!! <P>NoTrust<BR> Again, there was a time she let me help her, then, she wanted NOTHING from me, now this. Well, I WANT her to use ME not OM (the 61 yr old paperboy!!!) I want to fill ALL her needs and if this is the only one, so be it it's a start.<P>nomoreu<BR> Good idea (my thoughts too) She called yesterday and we DID go and look at one. She didn't want all the money right then she left a deposit (we agreed she MAY spend it) It's a baby Cockatoo and still too young to leave the store (have to wait a month more) If she doesn't pay me back, it's on HER heart not mine. I really doubt it though because he Father really instilled a sense of honesty in her about loans.<P>snooperhubby<BR> Sorry that happened to you. People can S**K sometimes. Well, I'll have stupid on mine and she'll have "LIAR" on her's. Fair trade.<P>trustntruth<BR>Hey TNT! How goes it? It was made clear (by her) that it was a loan. You are VERY wise to add the SHE shouldn't expect any "strings" attached either!! I've been asking for a date for months and all she says is "We'll see" (translation "NOT A CHANCE") and I was SOOOOO tempted to ask then but felt it would have been a MAJOR LB!!<BR> Sheba<BR>Another blast from the past!! How are you? I think it MAY be a chance for a deposit, not for the loan but like you said the CONTACT was GREAT I SAW LOVE IN MY WIFE'S EYES!! I DID NOT imagine it, it was THERE!! I think THAT"S why she stays away. I still get to her. Hugs to you too, missed you!! <P>Simply J<BR>HI, it would have been a no brainer if it was a health issue. Her gratitude is not what I'm after, I want to "FILL NEEDS"<P>hanora<BR>I respect your expertise as a quality assurance/ risk manager however, We've had Parrots for 15 years and some can be dangerous. But she did a good job researching it and it is a "Hand Raised" Muccklan (S?) Cockatoo. These birds when hand raised are soooo tame you could sit on one and it wouldn't bite you!! A dog can be MUCH more potentially dangerous if spooked, don't you think?<P>rs0522<BR>Are you an attorney? I wouldn't insult a friend who asked for a loan in this manner let alone my Wife! who I love with all my heart and soul!!! Thanks for the input I mean it, but that is SOOO not me!! I would rather be stolen from than insult ANYONE like that. Interest??? Come on really that would be extremely rude!! <BR> I dont' know if you're a betrayer or betrayed but if betrayed, one of the MAJOR obstacles as I see it to our spouses coming home is they feel either we will NEVER "Trust" them again, or, that THEY aren't worthy of trust anymore. <BR> You know, you gave me a thought. This may be a "test" to see if I "trust" her because I changed the locks when she left (makes me cry when I think of it now that I sent THAT message to my WIFE!! What an a** I was!! anyone have a time machine???? ) Anyway, I just am not that way. <P>OK BACK TO THE TOP!! ANYONE ELSE?? THANKS TO THE OLD FRIEND AND THE NEW FRIENDS FOR YOUR HELP!! GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P><p>[This message has been edited by PLEASE HELP (edited April 16, 2000).]

If it is a loan she is after, why not a Bank??? After all, if it is business related she can deduct the interest off of her tax return! <P>I see this as big time using.<P>You say you would rather she use YOU than the OM...the fact is she would never USE him. Only you, because she can get away with it.<P>You want to fill her needs...sounds more like you are filling her pockets, and she will be laughing as she walks away with a wad of money in her pocket. All the while saying "I can't believe I got him to do that. Wonder what other kind of silly things I want that I can get him to pay for."<P>If it is all that important to her, let her be creative enough to get the money elsewhere!<P>I understand you want to deposit love units. But should you do it at the cost of your self worth???<BR>

Hey, Frank, just stopping back in to see what's happening. This is what I LOVE about the board!!! Tons of friends pointing out everything connected with an issue!!! Don't know what I would've done w/out it!! <P>So, my friend, how's it going?<P>No more advice, just popping in!!!<P>(Short post, notice that????? )<P>Lori

OK Frank, you clearly know a lot more about parrots than I do. <P>Yes a dog can be more dangerous, and we tested them before we let them in. Some breeds were especially good, Golden Retrievers were always reliable.<P>You should do what your heart tells you to do. If you lose a bit of money following your heart it is no great loss.<P>Best wishes to you always.

trying to rebuild:<BR> My self worth is "worth" MUCH more than $2000.00!! If she "laughs..." then it's HER self worth that's only worth $2000.00!! Dr. Harley says one of the "needs" we do have is financial. So why not fill it? It's only money....<P><BR>Hey Lori that WAS a short post!! Too short my friend!! Thanks and all is well.<P>hanora:<BR> And you more about dogs I can see!! Yes, losing a bit of cash following your heart never hurt! And it will help bring some happiness to some retired folks too. If nothing more, every time she looks at that bird she'll think of me. They can live 100 years!!! <P><BR>ANYONE ELSE?<P>