mmm... just found this Marriage builders site tonight. I'm recently engaged, and want to everything I can to make this new marriage work so I went looking on the web. However, unfortunately my new relationship is the result of an infidility, so I doubt I'll be welcome here. <BR>It's a long story... (aren't they all?) so I'll spare you all the details, but in a nutshell, I guess you could say my ex and I had been exististing in our marriage in that "withdrawl" state for quite some time. We had no emotional life together. I was quite depressed, but started coming out of it by pursuing my own individual interests. This eventually led my own circle of friends, and eventually falling in love. I denied my feelings for this man, but we were an accident waiting to happen. When it did, it clarified for me all the unhappiness I'd had with my spouse for so long. The actual (behind his back) affair happened once, then shortly after, I filed for a seperation from my husband. My husband and I also went into individual therepy (we were beyond traditional marriage therepy at that point, so we went individually to see if we could then proceed to marriage therepy... it didn't go that way though)<BR>Well, that was all about a year ago. I had read that sometimes an affair is a symptom rather than the whole cause of a marriage breaking up. At first I thought my lover and I would be going our seperate ways, but alas, we are crazy about each other, and in reading the "needs" portion of this site, I have to say he's right there. We both feel terrible about how we got together though... it will always be a dark cloud over us. We both discovered a lot about oursleves and our weaknesses, and it's been a hard lesson, and we're both trying to work though it. It's been a year now since this all started. My divorce was final a few months ago, and my ex and I are actually better off friends.<BR>Well, I just felt compelled to share part of my story...<BR>Okay... I'm ducking the stones!<P>Rowee

Rowee,<P>You aren't the enemy. And everyone is welcome here...betrayed, betrayer, and other man/woman. <P>I can't give you much advice at this point but did want to stop in and welcome you. <P>Mitzi

I don't think any of us would regard you as "the enemy." You, and your husband are people who made mistakes and unfortunately could not repair them. I am so sorry that you had to go through this pain in your life. But what you need to do now is realize that the way you went about ending your marriage was the wrong way, and work with your new relationship to make sure it doesn't happen again. I think everyone here would tell you that eventually, you can pretty much count on having the same problems with your new relationship as you did with your old. Don't let this happen! Go through your life with your eyes wide open, and never, never allow your discontent to sit, ignored, until it's too late again to do anything. Make sure you and your partner never give in to the "taker" in your personalities and work to fill each other's needs. Also, be sure to TALK about everything - good and bad and resolve conflicts before they get out of hand. An affair is an incredible tragedy, but we all learn from them. Take your lessons to heart and have a good life.

Welcome. As the wayward one, In the couple of weeks I've been here, I have received more sound advice and encouragement (as well as few slaps to the head ) from this site than I've received from my circle of loved ones. At least folks here have been through the pain and addiction that affairs embody. You didn't mention whether you had children, but I will assume you do not. This adds a whole other dimension to the pain and depression that we all feel. Whatever pain I've inflicted on my W due to my infidelity, I am feeling the same if not worse. I get it from all sides. I am the criminal, the guilty one. This place helps keep me sane, as well as alive.<p>[This message has been edited by CMan2 (edited April 14, 2000).]

Welcome! There are plenty of us, just like you here. Stick around... there is much to be learned! Good luck to you.....

Rowee,<P>Just a question out of curiosity...<P>Does it make you at all insecure that you are engaged to someone who is a proven adulterer? Someone for whom, when the chips were down in his marriage, went out and started playing with someone else's... chips? (sorry for the torured metaphor ) Do you respect him any less for it (let alone yourself)?<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Welcome. I hope you can find what you are looking for here. I'll do whatever I can to help.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

I'm curious why you would want to be on an infidelity board if you are going to marry your affair partner. Is it to warn people away from infidelity....to share the pain that it causes you and your spouse? If so, then I say welcome, too. But if it is to say that marriages born out of affairs are a great way to go, then I ask you to reconsider being here. The vast marjority of the people here want desperately to restore and rebuild the marriages that they have and that is the true purpose of these particular boards. I hope you would want to be aware of that and not rub salt in their wounds.<P>I sincerely hope that you and this man will move carefully and really learn about marriage and what it takes to have a good one. As you said, you have a dark cloud hanging over your relationship because of the way it was born. Most marriages born out of affairs are not successful....you have a hard road ahead of you. Harsh words I know, but true. <P>I've been around here for a long time now....at first it was to seek support, but then I was able to offer it as my marriage healed from the pain of my husband's brief affair. I feel pretty protective of many of the people who are here. Some of them are hanging on by a thread, hoping against hope that their unfaithful spouse will come to their senses and do the right thing...end the affair and restore the marriage. Some are in the healing process and riding one of the craziest roller coasters known to man. Please be compassionate towards them. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Thank you for your responses... I appreciate the welcomes. <BR>I absolutely mean no ill by posting here... I have no particular agenda or message at the moment to be honest. I felt compelled to share a part of my story because of the subject of the board. Regardless of which side the of fence I'm on, or the outcome, infidility is now and always will be a part of my life experience. I don't condone adulty, yet I now have a clearer understanding of why it happened. <BR>I'm not happy that my present relationship was born out this very sad and hurtful event, so I'm trying to come to terms with it. <BR>Someone asked if I felt insecure about my relationship with him, or if I respected him any less, (or myself)... valid and important questions even if a bit cliche.<BR>I've heard it said... "never underestimate the power of denial". I denied my own feeings about my husband for years. I never felt that "deeper intimacy" with him in the first place really, but as a young girl mostly married for security. On paper, eveything looked good, but we had no emotional life together. I didn't know what it felt like to be in love, and since everyone was telling me it goes away anyway, I thought "who needs it?" So I basically I married "a friend", and our household functioned. There was always a dull ache underneath, but it was easy to gloss over, and I kept telling myself to be grateful, and to "shut up". In trying to improve the marriage, I learned better "commnication skills" etc. I knew my emotinal needs weren't getting met, but thought this was my problem because I was being unreasonable.<BR>So I looked to other means including seeking religion, etc. (When I read on this site acknowlegement of the importance of meeting emotional needs I just about gave the Doctor a standing ovation!) Believe it or not, I had been a Dr. Laura fanatic since she had a night time local LA radio show! Yet everything I thought I had believed in went right out the window in a matter of seconds. Like tasting water after being in a desert. <BR>We've both had to look at what happened square in the face. He said he regrets neither one of us said "stop". He told me he's looked in the mirror and doesn't like what he sees. He's been a decent person all his life, and now he's screwed up big time. (BTW, just to clarify, he's single, but has a very good relationship with his folks) <BR>As far as me being worried this would be a habit for him... I think he's seen the consequenses... One of the things that has hurt him was watching me go through this hell, and the pain that it has caused me. He also regrets hurting my ex, because although he never knew him personally, he knows it caused him terrible pain as well. <BR>On a personal level, I feel more secure with him than I ever did with my ex who I know would probably never do the physical act of adultry. I feel my thoughts and feelings are of vital importance to him. He doesn't try to explain my feelings away with logic, or tell my I'm "silly" for having them. He listens carefully and feeds back to me what I say to make sure he understands. He is not indifferent to my passions, he supports my in my goals, and takes an active role in them. He has never raised his voice in anger to me, or sounded irritated with me making me feel like I'm stupid. He respected my wish to refrain from "going all the way" sexually until I knew we had a future together. (I know some may think this is nothing, because we were still in love and passionate, but it meant a lot to me) He is very affectionate, something I had been starving for. <BR>I don't tell you these things to rub salt into any wounds... I'm sorry if any of you take it this way. But this is my experience.<BR>He makes me very very happy, and I hope for those who are working on their marriages, you achieve what you are looking for, and have a future full of happiness. I do believe if you had this kind of intimacy between you, it can be found again. Now that I know what it is, I will work very hard to preserve this. It's precious, and we've both vowed to each other to keep it so and never take it for granted. <P>Rowee

Rowee,<P>First of All, WELCOME. You will find a few people here that are going to bash you. That is okay though. <BR>I can see why, as a new member that you chose this board. Infidelity (General Questions). <P>I am a betrayer mysself. I have been married for 6 years. I just ended my affair in Jan. I am on the road to recovery. I just had a step back recently. But Im still healing. And thank God that I have decided to make this marriage work. My H didnt know about it. I confessed to him about it.<P>Now to answer a few of your questions, and give a little advice.<BR>First, get in a church. Marriage takes 3. You, Him, and God.<BR>God tell us the story about the aldy who commited adultery. They were going to stone her. God said "Those who have not sinned may cast the first stone" What did they do? They dropped them. God told her to "Go and sin no more". <BR>You need to put that in the past. If you have asked for forgiveness then he has forgiven. He has forgotten it. Now the hard part is. You will not forget it. He told David that the wrath would be over his house, even though he was forgiven. In my interpretation, that means you have to live with it for the rest of our life. I could be wrong. <BR>I dont want to be preaching here. I just want you to know these things from expericence. <P>My bestfriends marriage is the result of an affair. Her H physically and emotionally abused her. And the end result was affair and divorce. She knows it was wrong. As well as her h now knows it was wrong. But, yo give you a little hope. They have been married for 3 years now. They are in church. They do very well. They have came past the mistakes that they have made. They are not proud of it by any means. <BR>She wouldnt have it any other way. They trust each other and are very open with one another. OVer all they ahve a good marriage.<P>They key thing here is this. Without God you dont have a chance. The odds are against you. As well as society. <BR>you may be able to build a good strong foundation. But keep your EYES OPEN!!!!!!<BR>because what was wrong in the other marriage will probably roll over to this one. I am just speaking from my friends point of veiw.<P>I know you are going to hear negative here. And I do agree with HGB about salt in the wounds. Or making the betrayer think "Hey, they are going to get married" I can to. And of course that is not what we want here.<P>I just thought I am not the judge here. God knows Im not in the judging position. I just look at it as all sins are the same. You commiting adultery is no different than someone remarrying and trying to make the second marriage work. So that is my $.02<BR> <BR>I just wanted to give you a little insight. <BR>The rules of a good marrige are right here in this concept. They are so true. I would reccomend that you guys use them to the full extent. It will take work. Since there is no going back all you can do is look ahead.<P>GOOD LUCK<BR>GOD BLESS!<BR>Ill say a prayer for ya!<BR>Renee <P>

Find a church?<BR>Yeah, if they'd have me... <BR>Actually my husband and I were attending an evangelical church at the time I had my affair. I was glad they were there to rally around my ex, but not a single soul called me. Not even the pastor. Oh well, don't blame them really, I messed up. <P>Rowee

Rowee,<BR>You must keep in mind. That in society, this is unacceptable for the most part. <BR>Any church will have you. Noone is perfect. What you have done, and they have done is no different.<P>That was just my advice to you for a successful marriage. After all the odds are against you.<P>Renee

No I get your point... I know what you mean, thanks. Religion has just been very confusing to me. My ex and I were in a mixed marriage, although neither of us were raised with very much religion. He asked me to convert though which I did, but when I really wanted to get involved, he wasn't interested. After a few years of frustration with that, (to him it was just an ethnic thing) I started looking for a church to go to. I found this one, and hoped my hubby would go since it was very contemporary, and you could dress casual. We gave it a shot, and we were still pretty new when all this happened. We did attend a "christianity 101" class at someone's house, and I had several meetings with the pastor. Since I had studied in another religion, I had a lot of questions. I'm not sure if my challenges made him uncomfortable. I dunno. <BR>Anyway, this is really off topic, but yes, I hear you. Even though my ex is doing well, and we get along alright, I feel sad about bringing this into my new relationship. And even though I know God is forgiving, I'm finding it hard to forgive myself. This is the price I pay.<P>Rowee

As I wrote earlier. Ill copy and paste. I do kmow what you are saying though. it is HELL!<P>You need to put that in the past. If you have asked for forgiveness then he has forgiven. He has forgotten it. Now the hard part is. You will not forget it. He told David that the wrath would be over his house, even though he was forgiven. In my interpretation, that means you have to live with it for the rest of our life. I could be wrong. <BR>I dont want to be preaching here. I just want you to know these things from expericence. <BR>