(follow up to 'wife left us' post, 4/13)<P> I'm at a crossroads...I want to believe in plan A (and I think I'm doing a VERY good job of following it), but I'm getting conflicting advice that if I don't file for divorce, I could end up paying the price in the end.<BR> My wife and I spent the day together, transferring car titles, picking out a b-day cake for our oldest daughter, and picking up the mini-van from the shop (about 4 1/2 hours total). We talked about a lot of past issues again (she filled out the 'emotional needs plan' and the only decent marks from her were from the sexual fulfillment and family commitment areas); she realizes that I can change, but she's not interested at this point.<BR> She also told me that she and the OM would like to be in a house together by summer and that she enjoys working with him immenseley. Again, I'm being VERY patient, understanding, and listening to her needs; when do I get hit by the cement truck?<P>theo

theo,<P>Don't file unless you want the divorce!!!<BR>Or it will protect you...<P>BTW... if need to protect assets for children's college... get moving now!!!<BR>I waited too long... <BR>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002294.html" TARGET=_blank>ESP is over...</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Jim, I followed your story 'ESP is over...'; truly a disheartening outcome. I'm not wanting a divorce either and I feel as if I'm in the driver's seat, but your tale goes to show that things may not be as they seem.<BR> My lawyer tells me that filing for divorce wouldn't really change anything other than starting the proceedings. There's not much to protect in the assets column. We have a lot of debts, a house (which is in my name because of a VA loan, if that matters), and a mini-van we've been paying on for six months (in my name, too). She doesn't want a part of either of these things. The custody issue is our primary concern at this point. She is still willing to grant me custody and pay child support/alimony, but she's seeing her lawyer this Friday and that could change. I can see that her personal guilt is slowly climbing into the backseat...<BR> We argued yesterday (Sunday) over past issues yet again. I don't know why I let myself get into these types of conversations with her, but I have had it. I told her that being in our house with the kids disrupts my relationship with them (they asked last night why we go to the basement and argue...ugh), because it's heaven with them when she's not around. She feels the same way when I'm not around, so I suggested she leave the house on her weeknights/weekends. She wants to take them with her to work (where the OM works too) and to his place on the weekends for overnights.<BR> We talked to them again last night; they asked where she was staying and she told them the truth. She asked if them if they would like to spend the night with her there; they weren't too sure. She asked them if they'd like to help her look for houses so that they could pick out their bedroom(s), which they were very excited about.<BR> So, already I feel like Plan A is a wash...Plan B seems to suit the situation better considering the direction the arrangement plan has taken. I become nauseous when I see her; I was still able to somehow look at her as my innocent, loving wife up until a few days ago, but now she appears to me more as a snake or a troll. How could my positive outlook melt in front of my eyes like that? My rose-colored glasses have been painted black. I feel for the first time that I may be experiencing depression; maybe it's grief, maybe it's just the reality of the situation.<P>theo <BR>columbus, oh

Theo,<P>It could be depression...<BR>...it hits almost everyone here!!!<P>Do go see your doctor on this before any major decisions!!! Medications do take time (4-8 weeks to kick in)<P>If you check my post today <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002414.html" TARGET=_blank>Talked with Steve H... & "time" on the forum</A>...<BR>...in the post... I relate how Steve wants to make sure I really have the situation where a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> would serve <B>me</B> best!<P>If you are depressed...<BR>...it is not the time to move fast in any direction.<P>Check out the <B>Medication/Stress/Depression:</B> section on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post for some ideas.<P><A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A><BR>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge. Not for the divorce (necessarily)... but for protecting you and the kids!<P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

Theo,<P>If your wife is still seeing the OM and you are having arguments, then you have never been doing Plan A. Plan A means no contact with OM, you fill all her emotional needs as hard as you can, and no love busting.<P>Needless to say, your wife has to agree to do this. You may need Plan B instead: She moves out ASAP and then no contact between you and your wife.<P>Good luck.

yeah, I guess plan A doesn't work if she's living with the OM. That's one important concept I overlooked . She moved out the day she told me about the affair; I asked her to move back in, but she told me she wants to be with him too much.<BR> Plan B could be difficult because we have to discuss things since she wants to work out a dissolution. Attempting to agree on issues won't be easy; no contact will be impossible. LB'ing seems inevitable. She's offered a lot already because of guilt, but has since told me she feels like I'm punishing her for what she's done and that I'm trying to control her (the material and financial issues are the problem; we are working together well on trying to do what's best for the kids). I do want primary custody; I'm in the house and the kids go to school from my place. I have no idea where she'll end up living...right now, it's not in the same school district. She sees her lawyer on Friday...I found out from mine that filing for divorce says that I want to retain my lawyer (which there is an immediate fee of $1,500.00). Can't do that, so a dissolution seems to be the only option.<P>theo