I gave my husband this letter I wrote. I haven't been able to talk to him hardly at all lately, as he has come home either half lit or drunk every day for the last 2 weeks. I'm getting discouraged. Things are great for him.....I'm doing full Plan A, but not too good for me. I've been down lately and since I can't talk to him about how I feel, I wrote the letter hoping he would read it before he drank anything.<P>Here's the letter:<BR>Dear H,<BR>Please don't give up. My love for you will never stop, I feel so much for you that I cannot put it into words. I can never repay you for all the work you've done around here lately, I can only tell you from the bottom of my heart how much I truly appreciate it and how proud I am of the perfect job you did on the barn and the sidewalk.<BR>This is all very difficult to resolve. There are so many issues that are still unresolved that don't show any promise of ever getting resolved. These problems won't just go away by themselves, we have to work them out, together. <BR>Now, as in before, I want to be with you. I care very deeply about you. Your happiness and contentment is the most important thing to me right now. I had hoped I was doing things that made you happy. I'm sorry if I'm not meeting your needs. Please let me know what I need to do better. I've decided to stay committed to our marrriage. This has been like death for me.......your behavior has hurt me in ways that I can't verbally express. This has crushed my soul. But I love you so much. <BR>H, I pray for you every morning, noon and night. I love you with all my heart.<P>I left this letter next to his lunch I packed a couple days ago. He took the letter with him when he left for work. He never reacted to it, so I asked him if he read it. He said "yeah, I did, that was nice". That was all he ever said about it. Am I expecting too much? Am I just being a stupid fool for continuing on? <P>My counselor told me on my last visit to her that our marriage was doomed. She says it will never work out as long as he drinks. I can't make him stop drinking, I don't say a word or make any sort of reaction to him when he drinks. He's been angry with me lately because of the offer he got from the prosecutor about the abuse charges. He blames me for all the problems. If I try to talk to him about any of this, he gets very angry, so I quit trying to discuss it a while ago. I pray about this daily. What am I doing wrong that is keeping things from improving? I feel like he is on another downward spiral, just like he was last summer when he was involved with the OW. Maybe my friends and family are right, I am nuts for trying to save our marriage.

AW- You are not insane for trying to save your marriage!!!I read your post and it truly touched me- I can relate. Your H is an addict. HE (not you) needs to come to that conclusion and seek help for himself. I am also going through a similiar situation (and have in the past-a cycle finally revealed to me) It's a different addiction but an addiction is an addiction. This is what has worked for me and what hasn't - I dated a man who was a cocaine addict towards the end of our 6 year relationship- before that (and during) he also drank excessively. I pleaded with him to stop, told him how much I loved him, how I would stand by him through all of it etc... He would stop for awhile and then start again- we went through two years of this roller coaster ride of emotions- I finally got out- although I am still friends with him . Now I have been married for 10 years and find out (things are pointing to atleast) that my H may have a sex addiction. I handled his first infedelity very much in the same way as I had in the past. BUT, when it a second time I realized A strength in me I didn't think I had-For MY own good and my childrens I confronted him and let him know he was this close to the big D. I was scared to death to even say it- for fear that he would say "great, I'm outa here" But he didn't. By taking him to this extreme- I showed him that I love myself and respect myself enough not to be treated this poorly. Before when he was having his fun- he had no respect for me- now he does- because I was willing to stand up for myself and our marriage. I'm not going to tell you what to do just that , this is what has worked for me . Your counselor is correct in saying that as long as he drinks your marriage will not work- He needs to realize this. <BR>I will pray that you find the strength to get through this time in your life. be strong- be true to yourself- <BR>Moonbeam <P>------------------<BR>MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION IN OUR WORLD(:

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Alcoholic's Wife</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I feel bad for you...<BR>I'm not sure I can give you some positive ideas... but I'll be praying for you.<P>I loved your letter... probably touched my heart more than his though...<P>So what are you doing wrong... absolutely nothing wrong!!! Your strength through this is remarkable...<P>How long you can stand it... as is... is up to you... I don't know your whole story... Is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> something you've tried?... is it in your future?... I don't know.<P>All I do know... is you've been blessed with an incredible amount of patience... it's amazing!<P>I'll be praying for you... and your H too. <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

I don't think you are insane at all, but these situations make you feel ike you are insane I know that first hand, it is becuase you do things and expect the "normal" reaction and get somethign else and you think "what?" and then you internalize it and then you start feeling like somethings wrong with you...it's not....my counselor taught me about this this week, she said that I should do what I want and not expect any kind of predetermined reaction whatever I get is his choice, yes it might not be the one I want, but it's not my fault if he reacts differently than what would be good for us and that can make me feel sad, but it's HIS CHOICE ....and I have to accept the sad reality one way or another, but NOT to blame myself for him...also, I agree tht withthe drinking things are going to be harder for you, you might want to look for an alanon group or site on here for help onthat (been through that too) also his anger directed at you is abusive, (went through that ALSO) and it really messes you up, so talk to your counselor, but youmight want to take a seperation for a while, it is hard at first, but you will realize in time what peace feels like away from the crap....and you will realiz that he's the one with the problems AND YOU CANNOT FIX HIM...I am going through the pain of accepting this now myself....anyway, all my love and support, you feel like you are going crazy but your not, BELIEVE ME!

Thank you so much for your empathy. <BR>Moonbeam - yes, I know my husband is an addict. He is a serious alcoholic, and has been since his teens. I do go to al-anon, but its not that much help anymore. I just cry when I leave. He was sober for 5 years back in the early years of our marriage. That was truly the best times of our lives, we were happy. He is in denial big time. My husband has been physically and emotionally abusive to me as well as my daughter (who is grown now), an adulterer as well as the alcoholism. If you were to ask him if he ever was violent to me, he would deny it. He won't admit to himself what he's done... even though he has been arrested (on many occasions) and is facing a serious trial. He was drunk at every abuse incident so in his reality he probably doesn't remember doing it. According to him, he would not be facing this trial if I hadn't called the police. I had to do something, he had been getting drunk and beating me so often I was afraid he would someday kill me, plus what kind of an example was he making for my son? He gave my son (at 13!) whiskey at a wedding reception because he (husband) was drunk and said that our son needed to get drunk too. And he's not an alcoholic? Just ask him, he will tell you he doesn't have a problem. After he was arrested this last time I filed for divorce, so did he. We were separated for 2 months, and then he wanted to work things out and come home. I believed him so I let him move back. His promises were 1) to stop drinking during the week, 2) to end all contact with the OW (as far as I know he has done this - he sent her a get lost letter), 3) make amends with my daughter, 4) go to church with me. He hasn't done very well on his promises. I don't want a divorce. I KNOW our marriage will be good like it was before if he will just STOP DRINKING. Many times I feel like just sitting on the floor and pulling out all my hair. <P>NSR - thank you for the hug. Many times I feel like I'm facing this all alone, because no one around here (family or friends) wants me to be with him because of what he's done to me. When my husband is sober, he is a decent man. He is very good at building and repairing things and has added an addition on to our barn recently. He did this on the weekends so that is his excuse for not going to church with me. He does drink all day on the weekends though. I guess my justification for being patient and trying is my hope that he will wake up and be the man he used to be, but better. So I don't think I'm ready to go back to Plan B yet. I've just got to find a way to not give up and stay sane. Thank you for your prayers. Seems like that is the only thing that keeps me going these days. <P>JBF - my counselor has told me the same thing... it's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault. He chose to drink, he chose to be unfaithful, he chose to hit me. He wouldn't have done any of it if he wasn't drunk. I wish he would see this. Please know I feel your pain too, and will be praying for you to find peace also. I understand completely how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. <P>Thank you all again. I feel better now knowing that at least a few people do not think I am insane for wanting to save my marriage!

I just wanted to tell you something, my father was an alcoholic, so is my step father....my dad did sober up inthe past few years only because he has a life threatening illness because of it now...the point is that LOVE IS NOT ENOUHG...sadly, painfully it is true. wasting you life away this way is not good for you or you rkids....the fact that he has hit you when he has drank and still continues to and is not shocked by this when he sobers, tells me that he is in really deep and youa re going to go through more of the same...if you choose to stay you are going to ahve detach yourself and work on ourself and let him be you cannot make him stop no matter what you do, maybe actually leaving will be the only thing to shock him, but I am not sure based on the way he is treating you now...he needs help, but I don't know if you can give that to him , he has to help himself and you ahve to help yourself AWAY from him..UNLESS he is goign to AA everyday and trying his hardest...I think you know all of this, maybe you can do it to save your kids, thats what my mother did years ago...she took the three of us AFTER HELL...and did it...I am amazed at her strength noww...but it was for the better and I realize that...and you know what..even thoough my dad is sober now, he still blames HER for the divorce that it wasn't HIS choice...GO FIGURE! (this is 12 years later) anyway...you have a long road, btu you have to take care of YOU...my prayers are with you...

Alcholic's Wife: I really feel for you and your situation. I know what it is like to live with an alcoholic. My H became an alcoholic and then the OW came into the picture. Thank God that he is working on the No Alcohol and the OW is out of the picture (hopefully....if she can get the message, "No Contact!")<P>Anyway, we went to therapy also and the counselor said, "Alcohol is the ROOT of the problem." Although it is difficult, my H is dealing with the No Alcohol.<P>It appears that your H has chosen alcohol over you and his family. Because of the violence, I think you need to do something to protect yourselves.<P>I know you love him very much, but since he is an addict who won't give the addiction up....nothing you say or do will make a difference. He has to find it in himself to give that horrible addiction up. I think he has to hit rock-bottom before he realizes what he is about to lose.<P>Maybe it's time for Plan B....until he shows 110% committment in dealing with his alcohol problem (going to AA meetings or rehab, attending regular appointments with a therapist, etc.)<P>My heart goes out for you. Keep attending your Alanon meetings. You sound like a very strong person, who has had to deal with a lot. Stay strong and don't let this break you.

I think I am getting to the end of my rope. I have cried and cried all day today. I can't stop, and I really don't know what triggered it. My husband is not here (says he had to work but I don't know if I believe it) so at least he isn't seeing me cry. Maybe its time for me to give up. I have prayed my heart out asking God to PLEASE help me be what my husband needs so he will want to stop drinking. Nothing works. You are right, he has chosen alcohol over me. It is a really hard thing for me to face but I know it is true. I cannot fix our marriage by myself... he won't talk about anything relating to us. If I try to start a conversation he tells me to "don't start that up again" so I gave up on this awhile ago. I have prayed all day today for the Lord to tell me what to do about my marriage. I have no answer.

hey you,listen, there are many of us out here for you....you are not alone, I will pray for you (i have already)...you have to get up, take a deep breath, dust yourself off nad say RIGHT, what am I going to do for me! Think what you CAN do not about waht has happened (harder said than done I know) but you HAVE to keep thinkin gthat otherwise the self pity (which you have every right too) wells up...BUT there will be timje for that later, right now you have to get where you need to be and you ahve to focus on you...stop focuing on your H...STOP making his actions a basis for how YOU feel...what I mean is....if he drinks, yes that s sad BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! IT'S HIM! YES that hurts as you love him and want better for him, BUT you ahve to realize that it is NOT a measure of your self worht BY FAR..hey listen, after the two alcoholic parents, a drug addict brither and a guy who took off for a teenager and did WHATEVER...I have been through hell..BUT it took a long time for me to realize that their [censored] was not ameasure of me..you are YOU and you are a divine spark of God and you ahve amazing kids and you deserve to be loved and treated welll, if people are incapableof that then that is NOT your fault..so start with that and then take a hot bath a brisk walk, make yourself some hot tea, curl up witha good book, watch the sunrise or the sunset and realize that the beauty of GOd is all around you includign within you, just under your heart in your chest you'll find your soul...and it hurts right now, but thats because you are not realizing that that is GOD within you and you have to pull on that for strength and hope and faith IN YOURSELF not getting him to stop doing anything...RELEASE THE CINTROL, GIVE IT TO GOD TO HANDLE and just let him work his way and have faith in him...and then do what you need to to take care of YOU...find queit time for yourself...go outside and count teh stars...look to the sky, not to the ground...you will be ok and we are here for you, you are NOT alone...you WILL make it and you will be ok, just say to yourself, I choose health, I choose peace, I give allof this over to God to let him handle it I'm going totake care of me right now and let it go...STOP fighting, fight for you and your kids...later you'll look back and say "Thank you God, I am in a better plaec..." and you will be, but it starts with you, NOT HIM....all mylove, I'm here for you and so are others, so remeber that, and we have all suffered our own hell, and we're here to help you through it...."you can only go half way into your sadness before you start coming out of it..." and another saying I always like from the bible "BE NOT AFRAID, I WALK BEFORE YOU ALWAYS..."<P>I'll be on here to check on you! So come on! You can do it....

Thank JBF!! I have got to give it up and let God handle it, but it is so hard to do and I really don't know how to do that. Your post helped me a lot. Yesterday afternoon I decided to go Xmas shopping and went to the bookstore. Bought Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough and read it until husband came home. Surprisingly, my H came home sober. He said he could tell something was wrong and asked me what was wrong. This is an improvement for him because he usually ignores my feelings. He was nice and talked to me about his day, etc. the whole evening. I was quite surprised at his attitude. <P>H had to work again today. A while back I had gotten the article "What will make my marriage work" that someone here recommended. I read it then gave it to H and asked him to read it (this was a couple weeks ago). He left it on the kitchen counter. This morning as I was getting his thermos ready I asked him if he would please read it. He actually took it with him!!! Shock! The article is about God's plan for marriage and what our roles are as husband and wife. I hope that he really does read it because it was a big help to me in seeing what we have been doing wrong all these years. <P>Today after church I'm going to come home and just relax.... maybe I'll read my book in the bathtub; put my bubble stuff in there and turn the jets way up! You are so right, I have to stop dwelling on his drinking and taking it as a personal offense towards me and looking at it as though he is making the statement that he choses alcohol over me. <P>Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. I know you know the pain of living with alcoholics and the deep hurt infidelity causes. We have to keep faith that our God will remove the pain. Take care and have a wonderful day today!

I am glad to see that you are thinking along the lines of taking care of yoursel first and letting go of trying to control the behavior of others, especially thiose that are out of control...and realizing that the behavior is not a measure of you...I know it hurts, but it hurtsless when you are stong, taking care of yourself and letting go of the control aspect....it's amazing how differently you can tolerate situations when you don't set yourself up to belet down...calmly go about you rlife and be lovign and kind (if you fellike ti) and just calmly tell your husband that his drinking hurts you as you love him and want a better life for hm and if he wants to stop you will helop him, but your not going to make him or fight about it and then just leave it at that...All my love and prayers and take care of YOU YOU YOU ! Your self worth will sky rocket if you detach yourself..and focuson self.... And maybe finda place throughy ou rchurch or a trusted friend you can set up to go to in a minutes notice if he starts to drink and you think abuse is coming on..(physical or whatever) and don't come back unitl he sobered up and tell him calmly why you left or just stay away until he gets help...talk to your counselor about a plan to protect yourself and her / his advice about that....

Have you read "Women Who Love Too Much"?

KarmaGirl - no I haven't read that book. I'll check it out though. <P>JBF- thanks again for the encouragement. Believe me I have a plan in case he becomes abusive again - but it doesn't involve me leaving. I will not hesitate to call the police again, even if he's just yelling. He will go immediately to jail since there is a protective order and he is awaiting trial on assault charges. He knows this and I think that is why he hasn't been abusive. I refuse to leave my house (attorney told me DO NOT do this) since I have worked so hard all my life to get it and I won't turn it over to him. He will be the one to leave. In fact, the judge in our divorce case has already awarded me temporary custody and full use of the house, land, cars, etc. Officially he doesn't live here so I can make him leave at any time. If he refuses, I call the cops and they make him leave or he is tresspassing. Its not "his" house anymore, even his lawyer told him that. Thank you so much again for your concern. I don't know what I would do without the BB, as I can't talk about this to anyone I know.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Alcoholic's Wife}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Just wanted to say I know how you feel, I'm going thru very similar things right now. Abuse is not an issue, but I'm on the same emotional rollercoaster with my H who chooses alcohol first. <P>One thing that I have finally realized, and almost accepted is this... you and your H can not even begin to work on the marriage until he takes care of his own problems... and that means more than just not drinking... he needs help to learn how to deal with life without alcohol. <P>Unless that happens, you'll keep riding the same rollercoaster, he may stop drinking, but then he'll find some other obsession to escape to when he doesn't want to face life.<P>This truth is even harder for us who love them to face... we have to accept that they can never really love us back, in a sense, we are addicted to them.<P>Take Care of yourself AW, Wish I had something more uplifting to offer... you've gotten alot of good support from the others here.

AW, <P>Hugs to you.<P>I see from what you write how much you hurt. You're a very loving and caring wife. You mentioned that you are almost at the end of your rope. When your H is at the end of his, is when things wil change. His thoughts are clouded, his judgement misplaced.<P>When (and it will happen) he crashes and burns, he will realize what he has done. <P>I would consider Plan B. I am getting close to this myself. <P>You are doing everything right - it's not you.<P>Best wishes,<P>SHA

Thanks all. I'm doing better today. <BR>I know you're right on my h has to learn to deal with life without his alcohol crutch. Every time he has a crisis he gets drunk. Since he hasn't hit rock bottom yet he is not about to stop drinking. From what I know about his childhood he was never taught good coping skills. He came from a very dysfunctional family also. You are so right it is very hard to face the fact that I have spent 17 years with a man who cannot love me. My counselor has already told me this but I can't face it. My h does say he loves me a lot, but he sure doesn't act like it. <P>This morning I said something to my h I probably shouldn't have. I told him that my counselor said our marriage was doomed for failure. He asked me why she said that, my only response was "because you drink". Maybe he'll think about it today. <P>

AW,<P>I'm sure that your H (like mine) does FEEL love for you, and means it when he says it.<P>The thing is that marriage takes more than just FEELING love for another. It's the day in and day out facing life as a couple that they can't do with us... the alcohol is a barrier to that because it keeps them stuck in their own little world.<P>I hope he does think about it, and he may get it on a day that he's sober... but the alcoholic reasoning may rationalize it away until the right set of circumstances forces him to face reality.<P>I really feel for you AW, it hurts when you love someone so much, but they remain just beyond your grasp... so many times you feel like just around the next corner things are going to get better, and maybe they do for just a bit, but then just around the next corner you find yourself with the stranger again.<P>Remember, especially through the holidays, to take good care of yourself... you deserve it.