Hey Gang,<P>I HAVE GIVEN UP COMPLETELY ON MY MARRIAGE!!!<P>Thursday night I got kicked in the jimmy pretty hard. This was the first time that Val has been able to tell me to my face that she wants a divorce. I told her that's all that I needed to give up completely on rebuilding the marriage. That let the wind out of the old sails for me.<P>We sat in her car for awhile crying and hugging. It seemed that after hearing she wanted to give up, conversation was able to flow without any LBs or resentment. The pressure was off us. We relived the last 11 years and actually told each other what we should have much earlier on in married life. My wants and needs as well as hers.<P>She called me on my way home to see if I was OK. I was a little more than upset. She called later that night just to talk. I was playing ambulance yesterday and she saw the truck at the hospital and called to tell me she was going to babysit and a little small talk. She called once again late last night just to chat. Parting words, "I'm sorry things are turning out this way". I told her "I was sorry that I allowed them to be able to get this way". She hasn't called this much in the previous weeks. Conversation just flows now with absolutely no resentment on either part.<P>Some might want to offer sorrow for the circumstances that Val finally verbalized her want for a divorce. I do not feel that way. I see this as an OPPORTUNITY to start over. The divorce is for the "old marriage". I am going to work on building our friendship again. We fell in love once before and now there is a "new and improved" Medic. I see it can and will happen.<P>I have gone so far as to print up wedding announcements for a remarriage in 2000. Does that sound just a little too confident? I have a new approach and a goal with a time line in place. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

"new and improved" MEDIC -- What a wonderful story!! I'm so happy for you! That is so incredible what it took to get the walls to crumble. Oh, how I wish I could tell a similar tale.<P>Go for it, man!<P>Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!

Hey Medic!!<P>Glad to hear things are looking up for you!!!<P>Best of Luck!!!!!

Thanks Guys,<P>I think I finally realized that I did have the right objective in mind, getting back with Val, but was taking the wrong steps to get us there.<P>My focus was working to convince her that trying again on the marriage was right. Give us one more chance. And that hanging out with Brian was absolutely wrong. I can't change how she is thinking about us and make her come back. BUT I CAN change how she feels about us so she wants to come back.<P>There is alot of love between us and now without the pressure I was putting on her, it is coming to the surface and being expressed freely. I can hear it in her voice.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Medic,<P>Wow, sounds as though you've finally had a breakthrough. Some aspects sound very similar to my situation. The last night we spent together before H moved out, he finally felt comfortable enough to at last reveal some of his most hidden fears, and most intimate thoughts and fantasies. He told me that moving out was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. I believe him. As he was packing, he said he couldn't go but 10 -15 minutes before stopping and saying aloud, "Why am I doing this?". He cried that night much, much more than me. For me, I think it was a combination of shock and not having any tears left. He told me things he had never in 21 years said before. Like I was beautiful. I've always been 'cute', but never 'beautiful'. He said he loves me more than OW. Then, the fantasy that floored me. He said he fantasized about moving into an apartment, getting a job and back on his feet, building that dream home we have been working so hard and long for, then giving me a call. I have had no contact with him except a note he left me yesterday. It said, "I care for you, but I believe this is the best for us in the long term." I am in a hardcore Plan B. I made it clear to him before he left, that I did not want to see him. I am wrestling with whether to initiate the divorce proceedings. I don't want to get a divorce. Yet, I know I must move on which will involve a relocation. I don't want to start fresh with out tying up the 'loose ends'. I am so confused. One flavor of stress has ended only to be replaced by another. Why us, Lord? Why us?

Medic,<P>This is great!! I've tried the same type of approach recently with my husband. I told him, let's back off on working on the marriage so hard and try to build our frienship again. I do find that overall we're more relaxed, more content, less turmoil, although it is still up and down. Why hadn't anyone told us of this approach?<P>Keep us all posted.....I hope it keeps working!<P>Jenn

Medic, <P>I hope this approach works for you... I really do. <P>It seems like a long route... but if you think it will work for you go for it. You've got your W talking to you... I still don't.<P>When next year rolls around I'll be into the hardcore <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> like sidney was forced into...<P>Best wishes... hopeful success... <P>Jim

Hey, Medic - I am seriously impressed!!!<P>What a great attitude. In fact, I may borrow a bit, with your permission, of course!<P>Keep it up. You never know.<P>Lori

You're a <B>GOOD, GOOD</B> Medic!<P>This just might work! What a great attitude... I'm gonna think on this one... maybe I can adapt it for my situation??<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<P>

Hey Guys,<P>I don't want to take credit for coming up with this brain storm. I just happened to notice that the dark clouds and the walls of resentment fell to the side. Who would have figured?<P>I was very upset hearing the D work from Val with her looking me in the eyes. She could never do that before. I figured this is it. THE END.<P>She didn't have to call me on the way home just to see if I was OK. But she did! I didn't think much of it afterwards, just her being nice. Then I was suprised she called while walking the dog just to talk. The resentment and bitterness was gone from her voice. This was my old Valerie, the one that I married. The one that I fell in love with. The one that will fall in love with me again!<P>I can honestly say that I believe there has been more progress the last few days then the 9 months prior.<P><BR>Sidney,<P>I was sorry to hear that you had to come home to a moving van in the driveway. This almost sounds like the "old" us. We would continually test each other by putting one in a situation, like yours, just to elicit a response. Do you think that may have been the reason? He truley wanted you to beg him to stay or just try to talk him out of it?<P>DON'T start a divorce unless you want a divorce. I found out the hard way and was, yeah was, still paying for it. <P><BR>Jenn,<P>I think this way may be buried deep inside Plan A. I was so stuck on getting her back into the house to deposit love units that I lost perspective. I was argueing with her that I love her. That makes sense. I was fighting with her because I have strong feelings for her.<P>It seems that when we, or at least me, find out about the affair, we want it to stop now. It's like ok Val I'm ready to work on the marriage. I wanted to put a band aid on the hurts and go on being happily married. <P><BR>Hey NSR, <P>I now realize that it took years of neglect on my part for the marriage to get to this point. It will take quite some time for it to heal as well. Count me in. I here for the long haul. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me! I would never be able to find anyone like my "Bunches", well except she does have a twin sister, but she's married too. <P><BR>Lostva,<P>Lori, it's the simplest plan. That's why we overlook it. Val has to be my best friend before she can really love me again. I wanted the love first. <P><BR>NB,<P>Take a vacation from your marriage woes. They will be there later. I'm taking baby steps but am closer today to my goal than I was Thursday morning.<P><BR>Give the "Medic concept" a try and let me know of YOUR results. Restricted topics are: <P>1 Getting back together or any reference to fixing the marriage.<P>2 The divorce thing. <P>3 The OM/OW or anything connected with the affair.<P>I finally may have stumbled in to a winner.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Medic,<P>WAAYYYYY TOOOO GOOOO!!!!!<P>This is similar to the divorce busting technique - called doing a 180 degrees - the OPPOSITE of what you had been doing. Looks like this might work for you and Val.<P>Keeping my candle going in GA!! <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey RMA,<P>I have that book too! I'm not sure what the difference here is. I had informed her last week that I wanted a divorce. [Not true only trying the 180 idea] Crying and hugging session as well. I guess I told her that just to see the response she would give. She didn't buy into it.<P>I must believe that our souls connected when she looked me in the eyes this time. The "divorce" as I see and witness it released all the bad feelings and resentment. I may be way off base here, but with the results I have seen so far, yeah they are but a few days, we are getting back on track.<P>I want to be her best friend as well as H. You wouldn't tell or do some of the stuff to your friends that we have subjected our S to.<P>Simple ideas off time work the best. I have avoided any topic that comes back to us as a married couple.<P>It's great to hear that pure love in her voice again. I almost forgot how wonderful it made me feel! I don't think she even realizes it. I'm on my way back to happily married.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

send one of those invitations my way Medic.<P>It's great to hear the joy in your post. The happiness.<BR>You are on cloud 9 my friend, don't ever get off.<BR>I am learning so much from you guys - and reading your story today just gives me a little hope.<BR>You probably don't know, but all my feelings for my H have just - GONE. don't know where, don't know when, but gone.<BR>Your post today stirred something in me - maybe I do still love him, and want him back.<BR>Maybe the friendship thing is the way to go. You're right - I was so focussed on fixing the marriage, and putting those bandaids on, I didn't stop to think about the friendship we had. We had a great, close, loving friendship. He's coming here for Christmas - when I've decided to be off the Plan B wagon - maybe I'll adopt your ways also. Be friends with him again. Maybe, just maybe, there will be feelings too.<P>Way to go, I'm so very very happy for you. And a little excited for me too.!!! Can I steal that from you!!!??<P>love and hugs for you and Valerie<P>Jo

Medic,<P>In my situation, I believe I tried everything under the sun, except a hardcore Plan B which I am into now. Like you, I concentrated on us simply getting to know each other better (God we talked for hours upon hours- probably more in the last five months than in the last five years) and on the friendship. I did not as much as even mention OW. The friendship part isn't the problem. We have always been friends and he even told me before he left that I am his best friend. It was really weird because from the time he came back from Thanksgiving with OW until Dec 1 when he left, for the first time I felt like I was breaking through. We were connecting. His giver was back. He was affectionate towards me. He was considerate, & thoughtful. Then wammo, he moves out. I asked him about this, as I know I wasn't imagining it. His response was that he was "becoming too comfortable again". For some reason, I think it scared him that we were connecting again.<P>Our problem isn't our relationship per say, it's the fact that there is this great imbalance, and his self-esteem has been destroyed because of it. It all seems to center around his inability to get fulltime work that pays comparable to what I am making. Bottom line is that he does not feel like I need him, and OW being the needy, sick person (for want of a better word!) does. In many ways outwardly it appeared that I did not need him because as he retreated more and more into his depression, I was forced to step in and take over. Pretty soon, I was just about doing everything. If I tried to get him to do more, then I was seen as nagging, and trying to make him feel more guilty and he resented it. And yes, many times I asked him to not leave, including that last night. I told him that I needed him. I only got a couple of hours of sleep that night because I tried to get through to him about how this was such a huge mistake. I told him that I understood his need to stand on his own two feet. But running to OW was simply trading one dependance for another. That I was being backed into a corner and would have no choice but to initiate a divorce. None of it made any difference.<P>I realize that every situation is different. Nothing in life has ever been easy for me, and this situation is true to form. I have very little hope, because the problem is not with US, the problem is HIM. He is suffering from a textbook case of Mid-Life Crisis.

Hey Bonnnnnnnnnet!,<P>Don't even think of trying to steal my thunder! My fear, apprehension, bitterness and resentment are completely gone. I pick up from Val that it is gone for her as well. I/we can now concentrate on what I should have for the last 9 months. <P>You can't love someone whom you hold resentment to. Very counter productive. This idea is so simple I could just give myself a dork slap in the head. <P>Thanks for your support.<P>I am only requesting a very small wedding present from you. A shiney new "arrest me" red 99 Dodge Viper.<P>Sidney,<P>I'm still going to stand by my "he wanted/needed you to stop him". Tell me he couldn't have been out of there before you came home. I feel it was a well planned out move. I can say I would have done the same by waiting for you to come home and see the kaos.<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Bringing this back up for Heartpain and others.<P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>