All,<P> I have notice a lot of people wondering about how long to get over this. Well I think you'll find this on interest.<P> Wife had short (month) affair last summer. I found out in August. It took her till end of November to stop seeing the OM (this was only emotional and it was the typical drug addiction withdrawal we talk about). We have been seeing a shrink since last September and it has helped.<P> During this time the ups and downs had been very high and very low. Both of us wanted to save our marriage and neither of us lost sight of our goal. I have gone thru major chances and we have some really great times together since D day.<P> Now my point is this. Even with the progress we have made and the fairly good marriage I now believe we have I still suffer during periods of great anixety. <P> For those who have betrayed the triggers can be so small you don't see them coming. My wife is very good at keeping up with helping me over this but she sometimes misses the causes. The lastest is the income tax, she failed to see I would be reviewing 1999 that's when it happened. She got playful when I wanted to hold her and I got up and came into the computer. This anxiety we feel can really become a hugh anchor around our necks sometimes. The pain may seem over but it is actually just under the surface. My suggestion is to just understand that when your spouse feels down all that is needed is comfort and reassurance of your love (I'd kill for that right now).<P> For those in my place. Don't lose sight of your goal. Right things that encourage you and keep them close and always at hand. These things are what will help you get thought the bad times. You also need to remember that your spouse does love you or they would be gone. You need to also realize that there is a limit to just how much they can help. This is a character building experience for us and WE MUST LEARN FROM THIS. It is from this pain that we will grow.<P> My depression can really take control some times but should my wife not be there to help me I try to make the effort to get the help I want. If I'm at work I call just to hear her voice. After being in "My Cave" for a few hours I went our to my wife and rubbed her back for a few minutes just to "Take" the comfort I needed.<P> I wish good luck to everyone<P>Joe<BR>

Joe:<P>Thank you so much for sharing this.<P>I know what you mean about the triggers coming in from out of the blue sometimes. I was wondering when they went away...it seems kind of sad to know that they hang on for as long as they do.<P>Take care of yourself--I'm glad things are looking up for you! --HBC

HBC<P> I think what makes the big difference in dealing with those feelings from left field is very dependant on the support you get from your spouse.<P> D day was the end of August. The end of November she was sure she didn't have anymore feelings. We had a VD scare, she blew up once in Jan. but from Nov to Jan it was fairly peaceful. I bring this up to give you the lay of the land. <P> I really stuggled and had my worst day in Nov. During this time I would get her support and then she would pull something and I would fall flat on my face. Her support during this time was great she could head off a bad feeling before I had time to think about any triggers. Dec to early Jan were good except for the VD scare which was he!! on her.<P> Around mid Jan she started having trouble with depression. Her Panic Disorder started causing her trouble and she has been busy just trying to deal with getting up every day. I'm sure the affair is a major player in these current problems but you must understand that Panic disorder can really cause MAJOR problems in a person's life. Since she has been dealing with this I have been left to deal with my own problems. My wife needs my support, the family needs my support and if you read some of my other threads your'll see I handle almost all of the house work. During this year affection has suffer, sex doesn't exist. I know she loves me, I know she would really want things to be different but now wasn't the best of time for me to deal with things on my own.<P> What you really need to be doing and I am wish I practiced it more is to focus on the good. I'm not sure of your current status but I see you started here in mid march. To many times I see the betrayed worried over EVERYTHING. BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND AND I WAS THERE. Don't lose sight of the fact there is a good chance the OM is only filling in a few things that you have failed at. Learn plan A stick to it, it does work.<P> Focus on yourself. Let me know what you status is and I'll get back to you.<P>Joe<BR>