Hi,<P>The question I have today is how much do you give in or offer to do for your cheating spouse if he is interested in coming back to you?<P>Seems like in my situation my H expects me to do certain things when and if he comes back without ever taking into consideration what pain I have been through. What he expects of me is not much and something I have to do anyway, but he keeps saying he has to know if he has a future with me if he comes back. I have been living this horrible pain for about two years now and I would sure like him to give me his word that he will never see OW again. Why is he so worried about his future? It's like he does not realize the true pain he has put me through. Will he eventually wake up and realize this? I am more than willing to make changes in our lives but I have to know I have a future that does not involve him seeing OW.<P>I guess I just don't like his additude about this as we speak of reuniting, but I feel I would be LBing if I make a big deal of it.<P>BTW, the thing he expects of me is to get a full time job. I have a part time job now and he wants me to work more to help pay bills off. I have no problem with this but I don't think I can run out and find a job the day he comes back. I feel I need time to watch and be with him. Is that wrong?<P>Thanks<BR>

Has money been the biggest issue for you both?? Though I agree with you regarding your fears of him and what he will do with OP, it seems like you are getting to the conflict that might have gotten you to this point in your marraige.<P>I would think that some sort of counseling would be the most beneficial. A third party would be able to help you resolve this conflict to meet both of your needs. <P>I think if you do not show that you are going to get a full time job, and his issues have to do with feeling the weight of all of the responsibilites for the household, than the probems have not gone away and he will continue with OP. It looks like OP is a definate escape from responsibilites to me.<P>Have the both of you begun the steps to a successful marraige as described in MB?<P>Maybe your just going ahead, even before he comes home, and getting afull time job would be sort of like a 180 as described in Divorse busting. <P>I'll tell you, at least you are lucky to know what conflicts you have...I am still in the dark. <P>Good luck!!!!!

Hi. Too trusting makes some really good points. Remember, there were almost always issues before the affair that they worry will still exist if they come home. Not an excuse for an affair, but definitely things that weakened the relationship.<P>I know several spouses (mine included) who were very concerned that "everything was gonna be the same." These feelings are just as important to them as our feelings about the OW. As always in this mess, do your part first. BTW, if it works like it did with me, the things YOU need will come to you as well.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

Thanks Tootrusting and Lostva for your replies.<P>Yes, money was most likely a facter in our relationship before the affair, but it got worse when he decided to ingnore me and start up with OW.I had no idea at the time that he was spending his time and energy on OW, not to mention money as well. When D day hit I went on a crazed spending spree. As I look back now, my reaction to him being distant toward me was the wrong thing to do and at least I realize that now. I just need him to realize that he would need to have no contact with other person for us to start the healing process.<P>As far as taking steps to a sucessful marriage, we might have taken a few baby steps but he needs to come home first before we take bigger steps. <P>I have this natural fear of getting a full time job before he comes back. I am afraid he would not come home seeing I was "all set" and maybe he would think it would be safe to leave me or I should say divorce me since he is living with OW. I guess that is silly because he says he still loves me. I also have many other things on my plate at the moment that prevents me from getting that full time job. What I am doing now is directing related to the damage I have caused during this whole nightmare. I feel I have made many changes for the better as far as how I deal with money and he has even mentioned this to me. I am waiting for him to take a step in the right direction as well.