My husband feels it's okay for him to continue to talk to the person with whom he had an affair (my best friend). She's having difficulty coping and needs someone to talk to about her problems. He feels that since the affair has been over for "months" (he confessed in Jan.) it is okay for them to be friends. He says he has no desire to be with her. He feels a certain obligation for the devasation of her marriage and he wants to help. The thought of any contact with her tears me up!!!

Friend: If OW is having problems coping and having difficulties, she needs to consult a professional and not her former lover. If he has no desire for her, then he should also refer her to a specialist. His time is to help you rebuild your trust in him and your relationship together. She needs to move on, best friend or not. Good luck to you.

Hi, <P>I agree totally with Sobeit. He must not have any contact with her at all if the two of you are trying to rebuild your marriage. He should not even talk to her on the phone. This woman needs to go to counseling or join a group of some sort. You mentioned that she is/was your best friend, you should not have any contact with her at all yourself. If you do talk to her then you need to tell her what damage she is continuing to do to your marriage.

You are right...no contact means just that.<BR>His guilt and shame are misplaced. He's not truely working on your relationship until all is over with the OW. You cannot now imagine... what will happen down the road if this continues!<P>He needs to be told not only by you, but by your counselor about where his responsibilities lie and to focus his attentions where he means them. For one, he is leading her on...friendship is not "okay" after an affair. And two, she is just as responsible for the affair as he is. Her devastated marriage is her own fault. For three, he's not helping her...he's actually making things worse for both you and the OW. Finally, he's still having an emotional affair. If he feels responsible, guilt, shame, whatever....he's still keeping the emotional bond going. He needs to understand where his priorities lie. (she needs to find a counselor on her own! and stop manipulating him for her own justifications.)<P>How can you move forward when he is expending energy in a place it should not be? You will find it harder and harder to believe in his sincerity and that alone could end your efforts to rebuild. If he won't listen to how this makes you feel...write him a letter and describe your feeling...without blame. Then, have your counselor approach the subject.<P>Your husband needs to stop...COLD TURKEY! No means...N>>>O>>! Obviously his OW hasn't gotten through her Withdrawal period...and he's not helping her do it. If he really wants to help her...then he needs to stop with no other contact...NOTHING!<P>Good luck<BR>

Thank you for your responses, guys. We just a big blow up about it. I told him again about how I felt. The OW's husband is my pastor and I just learned from him about her recent conversations with my H. He really thinks he's helping. He says that she would have left her husband had it not been for him. My pastor appreciates the information my H shares with him about their conversations because she will talk with my H and not to her own, however, he would rather not have his input. He feels that in the long run, it is not helping his marriage. Somehow, though, when he talks to my H he is not giving him that message. It really is just a big mess. I am a Christian and I have been praying this thing through and I had felt some peace. Any time there is any interaction between the two of them, I become very upset. In my heart, I really believe my husband is trying to wean her away and help her transition, but the thought of him giving her any attention after what has been taken from me, just sends me to an emotional abyss. The affair went on for over two years and it was done in my face because our families are very close. I'm having a very hard time with healing. I've talked with her and even accepted her apology for everything, but when I think of her having continued access to my husband in this way, I just can't handle it. My husband says he's not going to govern his life by my rules. He feels he has done the right thing by ending the relationship (it was his call, he says) and we can go forward after this point or not. I have a lot more to say, but I'll save it for later. Please pray for me. I am particularly intersted in a man's perspective on this. If there is a man out there who shares some of my H's sentiments, I would like to hear from you.<P>Thanks.