Hi<P>I have not posted here before and I hope by posting here I will be able to get some understanding of my current situation.<P>Almost exactly one year ago I found out that my wife of 12 years had cheated on me, I had absolutely no idea that she had been having an affair and up until that day I truly thought that we had a strong and loving marriage. The discovery of her affair destroyed me, I was totally devastated. We agreed to sort out any problems we had in our marriage and although I have to say the months that followed were the worst of my life, we came through and not only survived but also seemed to be closer than ever. <P>But then… 3 months ago something happened that I would never have though would, a friend of my wife’s started to make it quite obvious that she was attracted to me, I couldn’t believe it, I have always found her attractive but up until that point would NEVER have even contemplated having an affair with her, things progressed and we started talking on a daily basis, it all seems like a blur now but we ended up having a full blown affair. I tried to stop it on 3 occasions, feeling guilty, especially as I knew first hand the pain and suffering affairs can bring, but each time I found myself going back to her.<P>I have now finished it, 3 days ago and I am currently going through withdrawal, one thing I can say is that I now know the power of affairs, its like an addiction, something I could never understand when coming to terms with my wife’s affair.<P>I love my wife, I know that’s going to be hard for many people to understand but I do, I wish now that I had never got involved with this OW, but its too late now, the damage is done and I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.<P>I am not sure why I had this affair, I don’t see it as a revenge affair although I know if my wife found out that is how she would see it, the only way I can describe it is that after a year of pain and suffering following the discovery of my wife’s affair, this woman made me feel wanted, attractive, alive, things that I had lost?<P>My main question is, is there anyone here who has done (or is doing) a similar thing? How common is it for spouses that have been betrayed to then have affairs of their own and has anyone got any advice for me to help me move forward and put this whole nightmare behind me?<P>Thanks for listening<P>Brainfart<BR>

Please, I need some help here, please...

I don't have any advice for you, I'm sorry. Though I'm not sure what you are really asking? I can tell you that I understand your wanting to feel wanted and attractive. My husband had the affair and (I am ashamed to admit) I have had vengeful thoughts about "proving" that someone else could want me too. Not that that is what you felt, just that I have felt that. I haven't done anything and don't plan to but, I can definitely understand your pain at being betrayed and the damage that does to your self-esteem. I would suspect it, sadly, is not terribly uncommon for betrayed spouses to betray. Don't know. Hope you get other responses. Sorry for no help!

Thank you Dead Inside<P>I don’t really know what advice I'm asking for either, I guess I'm just trying to understand why I did this even though I knew the pain and suffering it would cause?<P>I don’t know your story but from your post it sounds like you too have been betrayed, like you I had vengeful thoughts during my recovery but didn’t do anything about them at that time, I think they are just a part of the recovery process.<P>Thank you for your reply, just knowing someone’s there has helped me <P>Brainfart<BR>

BF,<P>At least you have a greater appreciation for how seductive and addictive an affair can be. Obviously thta doesn't excuse such a poor choice for either you or your W, but, if nothing else, you can see how it happens.<P>The more important question now is what to do?<P>Are you going to tell your W? Are you guys in any kind of counseling?<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Thanks 2sad4words<P>Yes I do have a greater appreciation for how addictive an affair is, that is something I just couldn’t understand with my wife’s affair.<P>We are not in any sort of counselling, we got through her affair on our own, I read quite a few books and did some research on the internet to help me understand the reasons for her affair, we live in England and here counselling is not really that common.<P>I know that the basis of this site is honesty, but, I don’t think I could tell my wife about my affair, not at the moment, we have spent the last year struggling to get over her affair, the revelation of my affair would destroy her, I know I should have thought about that before I got into it and I wish I had but its too late for that now, I have been unfaithful and I have to live with that.<BR>

Hi Brainfart,<P> Love the name!!.....you wanted to know the reason? Well, an affair devestates like no other and you were extremely vulnerable...I've often thought it wouldn't take much for me after what I've gone through with my H......in fact, Harley said to guard against this since you are so vulnerable.<P>I'm sure the OW could sense your vulnerability also, so there you go......alot of hurt all the way around....good luck to you , hope you can get your marriage back on track....LU

Thanks Lu<P>Yes I think your probably right, I was vulnerable and she could sense that, she was vulnerable too, not having a very good time in her marriage. I wish I had been stronger and guarded against this ever happening, its like I should be happy now, I survived my wife’s affair, I should be getting on with my life, enjoying my new found extra strong marriage, but no.... I have spent a year getting over her affair and now I have to deal with this I know its all my fault and if I had been stronger I wouldn’t be in this mess but it's happened, I have to face that and move forward now.<P>Thanks for listening <BR>

My guess is that deep down it was a revenge affair. You've learned that two wrong's don't make a right. My ex couldn't wait to start up a revenge affair as soon as he found out about mine. Took him only a few days. That's too bad because he picked a woman who saw the state of mind he was in, used it to her advantage and now he doesn't even have a relationship with his parents or siblings anymore. In some of the books I have read regarding if the cheater should "tell" or not, I've read that if your still involved in the affair, have no intentions of ending it, that you owe an explaination to your spouse and tell them. But, if the affair is over completely and you plan to really work on your marriage to not tell them. What would be the benefit to THEM if you told them? It may be a benefit to you as far as helping out with the guilt that you feel. But, it's not about you, it's about them. What benefit do they get from it? Pain, low self esteem and the possibility that they'll loose their family if they decide to not forgive.

BonnieSept thanks for the input<P>I guess I will never really know the true reasons I did this, I do know that my wife’s affair had a very deep impact on my self esteem, maybe, just maybe there was some feelings for revenge there??<P>You are the first person to suggest that not telling may be an option, I used to post at another site that is mainly for the betrayer, they helped me so much during my recovery from my wife’s affair but as soon as I started posting about my own affair may of the people there seemed to turn against me, some were very sure that telling was the ONLY option, some were pretty abusive and treated my like some kind of monster, after all how could I even consider having an affair when I know first hand the pain and suffering they can cause?? only a few were helpful and gave me advice I felt I could use. I wish I had found this site earlier! I wish I had posted here during the recovery from my wife’s affair, thank you for your help.<P>Brainfart<BR>

[QUOTE]<BR>Dear Brainfart, Sounds like a "revenge affair", in spite of the strong physical attraction felt. It's understandable but not helpful to your situation. Wife's friend - undercurrent of hate and hostility here, take a good look at it. Not meaning to be mean with my comment, like I said it's a human reaction. Has a double edged quality to it - not just another person, but friend of wife. Like a twist of the knife. <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Dear Brain,<P>I understand your situation. I have been there, and have been on both sides of this thing. <P>I rarely post anymore, but this week I'm on vacation, and have some free time, so I dropped back on. To be honest, your name attracted me to your post. I'm glad I happened by, I think I can help you a bit.<P>A short history: my H had two somewhat physical w/love affairs in 1987 - at the same time. He had several daliances with woman before and after, but none that had any physical or love attached. Thirteen years later, I had an affair, completely unrelated to his, and 8 months later, he had yet another affair. That was in January of this year.<P>I have been told by some that my affair, even thirteen years later, was revenge. I don't see it that way. But maybe way in the back of my head I did harbor some bad feelings that colored how I saw the situation... he fully believes that his latest affair was NOT revenge, it was lonliness (we were seperated at the time, but still clearly married). It's a tug-o-war lately... <P>You know what I REALLY think you should do? I think you should tell your wife. It will solve a couple of things for you: you will let go of the guilt and fear a bit, and you will let her know that you understand the attraction of the affair and allow her to let go of a bit of the guilt she's been carrying around for the last year. She's gonna be angry, no doubt about it... but allow her to grieve. <P>Begin counseling together with someone who has a desire to help you repair your marriage, since that's what you both want. <P>You are a wonderful writer, Brain, and you did a lovely job of explaining the circumstances... keep posting, looking for answers... and read everything around here... <P>Best wishes! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 19, 2000).]

Hi new_beginning<P>Its great to hear from someone who has been there, on both sides as you put it.<P>I am glad the name attracted you, that was the idea of using Brainfart My good friend whom I correspond with using email called me that when she found out I was having an affair, she just couldn’t believe it after helping me recover from my wife’s affair. I thought the name just about sums me up <P>I was worried about posting here, I mean how could I even begin to explain what I have been through in the last year? Would anyone understand me? I guess most people here are either the betrayer or the betrayed, still I’m not the first to be both, and I know I wont be the last!<P>I have to say I really don’t think telling my wife is an option, after the terrible time we have both had recovering from her affair, in my opinion the revelation of my affair would destroy our marriage. At one stage of my recovery I remember saying to her “what would you do if you found out I had been unfaithful to you?” I remember her saying that she would forgive me….. but who knows? All people act differently when confronted with the devistating news that their partner has cheated on them, not everyone can forgive.<P>Counseling is also a problem, here in England its just not as common as some other areas of the world, us English just don’t seem to talk about our marriage problems <P>Thanks for your help<P>Brainfart<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Brainfart (edited April 20, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Brainfart (edited April 20, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Brainfart (edited April 20, 2000).]

Just wanted to say a thank you to everyone here! I wish I had found this place before

Hey, Brain! (I can't write your whole "name" without chuckling!)<P>I have not followed the road you have, but I certainly have looked at it closely on the map and sought out directions.<P>I'm not sure I can help you understand why you did what you did, but I can tell you why I even looked down that way and maybe there is some overlap.<P>When I found out my H cheated on me I felt so incredibly hurt I didn't think I would ever feel the same again. (Come to think of it, I probably WON'T ever be the same person, but I digress.) I found out that he slept with someone that I knew and that I had dismissed as a non-threat when I first suspected they were more than friends: she isn't as pretty as I am; she isn't as smart as I am; she isn't as successful as I am. The only thing she had on me (as far as I was concerned) was youth, but I didn't think that would make it. I thought I had it all over this woman, but then I found out the ugly truth. I didn't look at the real reasons things had happened between H and OW--all I could see was the awful, dumb, ugly failure I must have been to have an H who would choose HER over ME.<P>I desperately wanted someone (ANYONE!) to pay attention to me. I flirted back with the guy at work who has always flirted with me. I dressed more carefully so guys would notice. I wanted someone to want ME.<P>Fortunately, I realized what I was doing before the guy who has always flirted with me at work became The Guy I Had A Little Fling With (to use Train's happy go lucky phrase). H and I are wobbling between "Plan A" and recovery, but I know I have to keep very focused to avoid doing anything I'd regret. I don't know how close opportunity truly was, but I'm glad I don't know.<P>I'm sorry to hear that ...things... developed between you and this other woman, but I am glad to hear that you are refocusing. Try hard to look toward the future and where you WANT to go, not dwell too much on where you've been. The best we can do is grasp the reality check and then move forward.<P>I hope this helps... --HBC

May I suggest you change your name? IMHO I feel what you are using is crude and offensive. <P>Thanks for considering the suggestion!<P>[censored]

Hey [censored],<P>You sound like my mother.<P>The Rooster ;-)

[censored]<P>I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to offend anyone with my name, most people here seem to be OK with it, I chose this name for a reason, my good friend used it to describe my actions when I told her I had an affair, I think it describes my actions well?<P>Sorry if it offends you.<P>Brainfart<BR>

Hey Brain:<BR>Instead of focusing on the affair, maybe you should focus on the needs (or lack thereof) that lead to the affair.<P>It could have been a "revenge" affair, but maybe you should refocus on what emotional needs weren't met in your marriage. Take a look at Dr. Harley's top 10 emotional needs, see what is your top 5, and get feedback on your W's top 5. Then go to plan A and implement.<P>In my opinion, I would hold off on telling your W about the affair, but on the other hand, if this OW was a friend of your wife's, how do you know she won't tell? Perhaps you should look at that scenario. It would be WAY BETTER if your W got that information from you instead of her so-called "friend".<P>Just my 2 cents.

Toots<P>Thanks for your input, I have thought long and hard about my needs the ones that must have been missing for me to have this affair, however when I found out about my wife’s affair we did just that, looked at both our needs and worked hard to make sure we were both meeting them, it seemed to work and during my recovery things were going fine, I thought both our needs were being met, maybe your needs change? Maybe we didn’t focus on MY needs? Perhaps my wife’s needs were more important to me then than my own? I’m not sure, one thing I do know is that it seems like my wife worked hard to help me recover from her affair, she had changed a lot from the woman I knew, the woman I married (this is what affairs can do to you) during recovery she changed back to the woman I loved.. then… it seems, that once I was finally released from the pain of recovery, she just stopped trying? I won’t say she has gone back to the person she was while she was having her affair but it does seem to me that she has stopped trying. As far as telling her, yes I do need to look at the scenario and my immediate conclusion is that I don’t think telling is the right thing to do, not at the moment, yes the OW is a friend (well I suppose she cant be much of a friend to do what she did) I don’t think she will tell my wife, she is married too and has just as much to loose as I do, we will just have to see what the future brings???<P>Brain<BR>