This may be an unusual situation.<BR>My wife and I had lived together for 5 yaers before we were married. She already had a 1 year old daughter when we met who I eventually loved/accepthed as my own. <BR>About 3 months after we married she had 2 one night stands, approx. a month apart. I found out about this through a friend of hers. <BR>We managed to work through it and eventually went on to marital bliss, two more children and a house of our own.<BR>Its been 5 years now of what I had believed to be a great marriage and family life with the exception of a few small skirmishes over truly unimportant things like money or toilet seats being left up, etc.<BR>Last week I found out that she had been having a 3 month affair with an older man she had been working with, and had also had two other "one night stands" within the last six months.<BR>I'm completely crushed. I had no idea. How can I trust her again? How do I get through this again and why should I? Just for the children? Does she have a psychological problem? This was completely undetectable to me and I consider myself sensitive to her emotional needs. I also scrub toilets, change diapers, make great chicken dumpling soup and yes I can be a jerk at times, but I try.<BR>What should I do now? She says she's sorry but I have a real problem with the honesty at this point. I'm completely lost. <BR>Help!<p>[This message has been edited by BriGuy (edited April 19, 2000).]

Welcome <B>BriGuy</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>I would recommend you start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> as a guide...<P>To get you started... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The 10 most common Emotional Needs:<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><P>Counseling could prove very helpful...<BR>...after reading everything you can on this site...consider a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Keep posting... keep asking...<P>Check out some of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> and look ath the <B>Recovery</B> section. Especially on the issue of Trust!<P>I hope some of this helps you.<P> <P>Jim

BriGuy:<BR>Welcome! You are not alone here and will find valuable information on this website. I'm in a similar situation as you with my H having had several one night stands.<P>Read everything that NSR suggested, especially the 10 emotional needs. These needs are the primary focus of a GREAT book by Dr. Harley - His Needs/Her Needs. I found it extremely helpful. Also included in the book was how to survive an affair. Granted, your W's situation did not include long term affairs, but they happened anyway.<P>Implement Plan A and try to discuss what your wife's needs are, as well as yours. Be prepared though, your needs will be low on the totem pole and probably won't be met for awhile, while you focus on hers. BE PATIENT!!! You're in for a roller coaster ride so take the good with the bad and don't let emotions get you down from your primary goal, which is repairing/rebuilding the marriage. <P>Now would be a good time to get religion into your life if it wasn't a priority before. Let God help you - pray! He will not let you down.

BriGuy,<P>I know this is Marriage BUILDERS but if I were you, I would be asking the same questions about why you should stay or put up with what your wife has done "again".<P>My wife only had brief physical encounters with two different men within the same year. I have told myself that if she did it again I would divorce her.<P>Honestly, I really don't know if I would or not. It would be very difficult considering we have two wonderful boys who love their mom and dad very much.<P>I really feel for you in your situation. I can't say I have any answers. However, if you decide to stay and work on the marriage, I would definitely get to the root of your wife's behavior.<P>I can tell you that after my wife and I began recovery, I wanted to make sure that she understood for herself, the reasons for her affair, so that those issues could be addressed to prevent one from happening again.<P>I truly believe that she has come to terms with why she made her mistake and I feel she has made significant progress in her personal life regarding those issues.<P>If she had not addressed those issues, I think I would be much less trusting of her presently and would fully expect her to do it again sometime in the future.<P>The Rooster ;-)

Thanks for your input.<BR>I believe you are right in what you said about the keeping GOD in our relationship.<BR>Praying together is something I have thought about doing.<BR>Thanks again.