Had made plans for H to come for Easter weekend. He was to get a sub for his and her Paper Route(Extra money) Haven't heard from him all week yes I know this only Wed. and it is over yet. But he email our daughter and told her he was going to be able to come couldn't get a sub but he got one for next weekend. <P>I am sure he waited till today to see if he could have get a sub, beside that it is her route too why can't she deliver it. SHe gets half the money!!!!!<P>He was suppose to be coming to see his dad who just got out of the hospital a week ago who he hasn't seen since since surgery. <BR>I am so angry!!!I think if he really wanted to come he could find a way!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>I've been thinking about you the last few days and POOF - here you are!!!<P>DEEP BREATHS ....<P>Ok, I know how disappointed you are right now....I am sorry.<P>H is working through things at his own pace here, Di.....that is why we have to have low expectations. His head needs to catch up with his heart. He KNOWS what he wants - you!!! He is still foggy on the "how to do it" part....<P>He'll get there Di.....You must have patience and let him work through it.<P>Keep up the great Plan A and do not match his waffling....and no lovebusting!!! Do You want to send him running back because you scared him? <BR>Of course you don't.....<P>No demands....no judgements.....<P>Just a loving and safe place for him, remember?<P>He may not make Easter, that is not pleasant....so take the good (his committing to coming next week) and make it special.....perhaps some time with the kids on an Easter Egg Hunt "do-over" for dad/grandpa!!!!!<P>That would build some ole' Love Units!!!<P>SHOW him that his family is HIS ONLY TRUE source of love and happiness!! He needs to feel loved - even if he is messed up!!!<P>BIG HUGS..you can do this - I have FAITH in you!!!!!<P>Sheba<BR>

di,<P>Listen to Sheba...<BR>...she has been on a roll giving advice...<P>Sheba... you are all over the place and giving the wisdom you've always had...<BR>...you're even outpacing me when I was in my prime... LOL!<P>Great advice all around.<P>di...<BR>dearest di<BR>{{{{{{{{{{di}}}}}}}}},<BR>patience will get you through it all... <P>prayers to you... <P>Jim

Hi, Honey, I'm here checking on you too! (You just can't seem to get away from me, can you??? )<P>Sheba's right, but you already know that. Look ,remember not long ago we were talking that if you KNEW how long this was gonna last and you'd have what you needed, you could deal with it? Well, pick up on THAT frame of mind. Let's see. You know he wants you. You know he doesn't quite know what to do and how to do it yet, but you KNOW he's coming home. That's the main thing. YOU KNOW THIS. No matter what she says, what she does, how much he waffles, he IS coming home b/c that's where he wants to be. So work with that. Hey, we never know just how long labor's gonna last, right? But we know what we'll have in the end!!!! Try to think of it that way. You do what you have to do while you have to do it. And I KNOW YOU CAN!!!!<P>Hang in there!!!<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Hi SDS,<BR>I meant to post earlier to your thread on H's decision to return to the marriage. I've been an occasional lurker for the last few months but have kept up with your story. His decision is terrific news - and still is, even if it does not feel like it yet. Just keep in mind that this is a decision that he does not yet have the support mechanisms in place to help him implement. You still need to be patient.<P>I will second lostva and Sheba and NSR. But I will offer my own personal words of caution - as the wife of an H who (like Lor's perhaps) has declared numerous times over the past year his wholehearted decision to return to the marriage - only to be unable to carry this through. Your H will need to do this at his own pace. This weekend may be an isolated incident, or it may be one in a series of events where your expectations are not met. You have to be prepared and you have to keep your expectations in line. Until H is back and until you have both agreed to NO CONTACT and have put extraordinary measures in place to accomplish this you are not in recovery - you are in Plan A. <P>I hate to be a pessimist - but in my view it is being a realist. If you keep this at the front of your mind it is much easier to accept the backsliding and not LB - and as the others say it is essential not to LB at this point.<P>You can do this SDS. But I know how hard it is. I have been so guilty of jumping on any sign of hopefulness and it seems to be more difficult to contain the longer this all drags on. <P>Keep the faith,<BR>Starpony

Thank you all!!! Well, I had almost given up hope that he would call tonight actually I didn't think he would!!!<P>Reasons for not calling before. There has been so many people off he is doing a different job this week. Hard to find a place to call first thing. Secondly he left his phone card and couldn't remember the pin number on Tues. Found the card tonight but couldn't find a place to call till his 9:30 break.<P>Said he couldn't find a sub as everyone was either booked or didn't want too. He wouldn't think of asking her to do it too hard and on a SUn too. YUCK!!!!!!!!!(no comment but I am thinking plenty) However he has a sub for at least Sat and Sun. morning next week. He told me he was disappointed too, that he had really been looking forward to Easter.<P>Okay now I pushed a little I told him that it was getting really hard for me to deal with all of this. I asked if he had been think about how and when he was oing o leave. He said he thought about it all the time and wante to bounce an idea off me.<P>He would take a Fri off and I would come up and help him move and he would leave her a note. He said that was the only way he could do it. (Like I want to go into her house DOUBLE Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I then asked how he was going to deal with seeing her at work every night. He said that is what has him worried. I didn't press as to why. I have already made it plain that it was all me or nothing. BUt I think he is worried about what she will do. I asked if she had any idea that he was wanting to leave but he said he wasn't really sure. (Surely she has some brains, maybe a smidgen) LOL. <P>He said he wanted to do this very soon!!!!!!<BR>I asked how long he would want to live alone. His comment was he thought it would take me a week to move. (He doesn't know how much help I will have if sets the date)or how fast I could pack!! <P>I told him I had set an appointment with the temp. employment agency there for May 1. He like that idea. He asked what our son had to say about this. I told him that he doesn't say much but he had cleaned house for me because H was coming. ALso I told him that H's mother had over heard son tell our dog that "we will be going home soon!" H was very quiet then said that was good.<P>The moving out would be very soon with or without a car!!!!!!! BUt of course he would like to have a car!!!!!!!!!!<P>Maybe I can make it through another week!!!!! With all of your help I can.<P><BR>Sheba, You don't know how I hate that word patience. But yes we are progressing I just hate those baby steps.<P>Jim, Thanks for those hugs I really need them.<P>Lori, You don't how relieved I was to see you online tonight you were so much help!!!<BR>I don't want to get away from you at all!!!<BR>With your support I will make it!!<P>Starpony, My daughter calls me a pessimist I always thought I was a realist. Maybe that is why I am having so many downs is that pessimistic streak. Everytime anything goes wrong I can't give him the benifit of the doaubt. I am so afraid that he will not be able to do this. I think we all are guilty of jumping on any signs of hope and that is why we hurt so much when we are disappointed. We know better but we want to be with our spouse so bad that we do leap into hope before we really think about what is going on.<BR>Again thank you all for your support.<P>

Ta Da!!!!!!!<P>See??? It's happening, in his own time, his own way, it's happening.<P>Now, continue your terrific plan A, expect some more bumps, waffling and relapses and you'll be fine.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Di}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

He called again tonight twice in a row we are on a roll. We actually talked about things that need to be done, like what to do about the phone it is in his name so he will chnage in over to us and he like the idea of getting an unlisted number. However I just thought of a comment that he made that now strikes me wrong. He said that you can get one that won't show up on caller ID so what should I make of this. <P>We also talked about stop forwarding the mail and have it sent to our house again. <P>BIg news. I told him of an idea I had and he liked it. I told him I had thought about going ahead and moving the furniture to our house and I would stay with my in laws until I could move he like that idea. Said we would discuss it next week. Now are things safe enough that I can trust him enough to put my furniture in his hands. LOL <P>I am doing better would be doing great if he were coming this weekend. He will try to call tomorrow night but then I won't hear from him again until Mon. <P>He did tell me he is getting my cards and keeping them because when I tell him that I have mailed something he starts looking for it and gets the mail so that way he gets to keep what I send. <P>I will be so glad when next weekend comes.<BR>I am sure I will have more downs before this is all over. BUt thanks to your great support I will make it.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi, Honey, now this IS a bit of good news isn't it?<P>I wouldn't worry too much about the phone thing. We got an unlisted number and then discovered (because of unfinished business) that we had to contact PT from time to time. We just didn't want HER to get the number!! So we used the cellphone. Wanting a number that no one else can see on the other end is a LOT different than trying to hide things on your end. <P>Keep looking forward to next weekend and the "big move". But don't let it throw you if you get some more waffling. Honey, Robert was home for 4 days and asked if it was ok to move back in with his mom for a while because he was waffling. Know what I said? "Yes, it's ok. I'll love you and support you, but don't you think it'll be hard for us to work on us if you're there?" He didn't move. It's just easier on him (and me!) when HE makes the final decision about those things, including all the yucky PT stuff. And each decision he made without my forcing or asking for it simply strengthened him and his committment to us. Makes sense, huh?<P>Hang in there. Life is gonna be very good very soon....just keep being patient.<P>Luv ya,<P>Lori