about 5yrs. ago i found another women's # in my husband pocket he admitted right away that he was attracted to her. nothing ever came of this and we worked things out. but every since then i accuse him and question his every moves. im obsessed with this! it's all i think about..what he's doing, who he's with. he always reassures me that it's me whom he loves but it just isnt enough it seems like. i dont know what to do about this<BR>it makes him so angry when i do this and i cant seem to stop! HELP!!!

Welcome <B>ler</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>Your situation is not unusual... and making strides to improve your marriage is more than admirable!<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Your marriage is already relatively stable. Most (not all) here of us need to start immediately working on our marriages in a <B>massive repair mode</B>... and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Your marriage <I>sounds</I> somewhat more stable than most... but improvement is always desireable.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>The real understanding of concepts is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have had affairs or those in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> (This is an excellent book for building a marriage that is in the recovery stage... like yours) and... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<P>We offer a great deal of support... <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<P>You're clearly upset... and you are searching for something to first get you though your distress... and help in the recovery process... for you the betrayed.<P>We give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity... an hopefully makeyour marrage stronger <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>A few extra thoughts... in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> there is an excellent group of chapters on building marriages that have been threatening or attacked by affairs... They center around the concepts of <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P>Your need for "Trust" is very important... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as the painful event is not repeated. (page 154 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...your H has not repeated his affair... for some(like you)... that trust building will take a long time... Don't get discouraged... Persistence will carry you through... <P>When posting... try and have a more detailed "profile... in 'my story'"... A little bit of historic background can also be helpful in your post.<P>BTW: weekends do tend to be a bit slow here at the MBF... please be patient... people here will respond!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 04, 1999).]

Welcome, Ler. Listen to Jim. He could qualify as our resident spokesman as he is very wise, and articulate. <P>One idea that I learned from another book, 'Surviving An Affair' by Janis Abrahms Spring is that forgiveness is a concept more so than a feeling. A conscious decision. She has a whole chapter on 'Learning To Forgive'. If you can get a copy of this book, it will be worth reading. You need to learn how to forgive, not just for your H's sake, but for yours too.

ler,<P>Sidney... I think the title your thinking of is... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928174" TARGET=_blank><B>After the Affair :</B> Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful</A> by Janis Abrahms, Phd ...<P>Other good books to conisder can be found at a post I made earlier... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A><P>Thanks for the compliments... Sidney. <P>ler..<BR>This is a very kind family at the MBF... <P>Jim

Oops, right again, Jim! The title should read, "After the Affair". I did find this to be one of the more helpful books.