My 17 year old D told me Tuesday she is pregnant to a less than wonderful man. See the post to MENTAL'( shttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002508.html) "To anyone or everyone who might be able to help".<P>My W has expressed real guilt from not being here for the D. Thinks that if we had been together this could have been talked about before she became sexually active. My W and D were real close and talking has always been a strong point with them. We know she was not active 3 months ago and in fact D says four weeks ago was her first time. Said they used condom but I guess something went wrong.<P>Can anyone tell me if first this is going to be beneficial to my position with W...is this going to bring us back together and second is it right to use it if indeed it has a potential to bring us closer?<BR> <P>Love and Prayers to all!!!<P>J W

J Willy,<BR>My thought is that it would do no harm and would not be "using" your daughter's situation for you to try to be united with your W on this. You didn't cause this, obviously, and did not want this for your daughter. <BR>If working together with your W to love and support your daughter rekindles love between the two of you, that's great! You won't have done anything deceptive. <BR>You said your W feels guilty and that if she had been there this would not be happening etc etc. Don't use this as a weapon against her. Don't use her guilt to try to manipulate her into reuniting the family. You don't really want her there out of guilt do you? Besides, that would not be long-lasting. <BR>I would suggest you not "use" her guilt, but that you seize the opportunity to reestablish a connection with your W. Seize the opportunity to spend time together planning options for your daughter's future, spending time with your daughter. Seize the opportunity to build up your W. Tell her how much you always admired her relationship with your D in the past and how much that will mean now. <BR>She truly may have been instrumental in your D's promiscuity, but it wouldn't do anybody any good to harp on that now. Just take the attitude, "Where can we go TOGETHER from here?" Your D needs both of you. Maybe in reaching out to her - yours and your W's hands will meet. All my best.

J. Willy,<P>I have one small suggestion for you. <B>PLAN A</B>. You need to apply Plan A to both your daughter and your W.<P>I have never been more serious about anything in my life. Your D probably feels like s.... She is facing a very tramatic situation and more than anything she needs to you apply just what you have learned here. It really isn't just for marriages. <P>To help your D you really need to do a Plan A for her. She will need you and your support like never before.<P>As for your W, Plan A. No need to lay any guilt on her. If she has a brain and any conscience as a parent she will feel awful. So now more than ever Plan A her as well.<P>J Willy, K once explained that his W becoming pregnant by OM, was a opportunity for him to show he loved her. While your D getting pregnant is a real serious situation, it is an opportunity for you as H and father to do the right thing. <P>Be there for both your W and your D, they need you help. I don't know if it will help your marriage, but you have a chance to help two human beings who are close to you and hurting. Do that and the marriage will take care of itself; for better or worse.<P>So, Plan A is my advice for both the women in your life.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<P>

Yes I have been doing Plan A for both for quite some time. D has had a rough time with our separation but pretends to be brave and uninvolved. I know better. She has tried to get her way but putting my W and I against each other but we have talked and solved that problem.. There is a strain with the boy friend and W and I because W and I think that he took advantage of our D at a particularly vulnerable time...hormones, 17 years, pressure, the stress of W and my separation etc.<P><BR>I have not used the guilt against my W...in fact I have tried to explain to her that it is not our fault, that this would have happened anyway. I do not fully believe that but I have tried to comfort W from this guilt. I do not know how successful I have been and I know the OM has tried to minimize the situation.<P>It is my feeling that this can be used to my advantage but I feel a little guilty in trying to do so.<P><BR>J W<BR>

JW,<P>That is my point. Don't use it to your advantage. If you do the right things for both your W and D, then you will definitely help your D and W. It may not help your marriage, but it cannot hurt. <P>But realize this, helping people in need has a way of helping you even more. You will become a better father. You may get the chance to become a better H to your W, but you will be a better human being and a better H to someone. Settle for that.<P>JW, don't lie to your W. If you feel the separation had something to do with it, then either keep quiet or say something. But acknowledging the separation had something to do with this is not the same a blaming your W. You both created the marriage you had, your W had the affair. Remember this please.<P>No matter how you feel, your D will need help, advice, and support. Give it to her as you never have before. Your W will see you as you really are. That will be a good thing. <P>So JW, be the best person you can be. The rest is in someone elses hands.<P>If you do the right thing because you know it is the right thing, you won't regret your future. If you "try" and use it to your advantage, you will regret that the rest of your life. <P>A situation like your daughter is in, is not for your advantage.<P>Sorry for what sounds like a lecture, but I also have a 17 year old daughter and your D's situation hits close to home. <P>Take care of your D JW. All else is secondary.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>