I appreciate the responses to my first subject, confused, and hope to get more feedback from everyone. <P>I have been thinking a lot about everything lately, about why I started dating my H, why I was in such a rush to get married and why I wanted to fight so hard to stay in this for so long. I must say, I'm a little surprised and disappointed in myself for what I found.<P>My H and I had been friends for 4 years before dating. I had just come out of a very bad relationship (he cheated 4 mos/7, got her pregnant) and H was there to lean on. I thought "You idiot, he's always been there for you and is still there. Maybe this is it." From there we dated. <P>We got married after dating 2 years and when I had 2 years of school left. I knew I wouldn't have another semester off for 2 years and didn't know if I could wait that long to be married (and out of the house). We had our first fight about 15 minutes after we left the reception!<P>Things got very rocky right after we got married when H began lying to me about a few things and quit his job without telling me for 3 days, then got a lower paying job waiting tables. The first year was hell! He did a complete 180! During my clinicals (40 hrs of class a week) I ended up having to take up a part time job to make ends meet. He still wanted to party a lot, and I didn't want to stop him. I almost left him then (about 2.5 years ago), but didn't want everyone to think I failed. Didn't want to be a statistic. Wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it. <P>A friend of his from the restaurant, complete slob, moved in with us to become our roommate. H knew how messy and irresponsible he was, but didn't tell me. This put even more stress on me. H and roommate still partied a lot.<P>After we finally got a house, I was ready to start trying for a family, something we had discussed before marriage and the reason why I have a toy poodle instead of a baby (I needed something to care for and love, since my H wasn't there). My H didn't want to, but appeased me. Our intimate life had suffered before we got the house because I was always so angry with him that I didn't want him touching me. I had also discovered that he and the roommate had been looking at porn on the web. While trying for a baby, our sex life was pretty much just that.<P>The last straw that brought us to this point was when, after almost a year of trying, I discovered from a bill that he had watched over $80 of porn over our satellite. I called the company, stating there must be some mistake, that we didn't watch this stuff, but when she told me how to double check, I found that there were even more that had not been billed for. I paged him to ask him, and he said he thought he had told me, and what was the big deal. I felt as if he had cheated on me, and told him so. <P>What made it so bad was that the nights he had ordered were the same nights the ovulation kit was positive but he was too tired or not in the mood.<P>I'm not trying to justify my actions by any means. I know that my affair was wrong. But, right now I think he believes the OM is the main reason I want to leave. It's not. I've looked at the photos we have of us, and in just about in every case I can remember arguing on that day. We argued on our honeymoon, on every vacation we've taken, and many other times and subjects. I had been complaining to a close friend for 2 years that I felt we were roommates only, and had spoken with him about it. Every time he would comfort me, say he would try to change and things never would.<P>I know he is changing right now, and I am glad for him. But I don't know that I can accept the changes. I feel that I need to live on my own, something I always wanted but never did. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think I can keep things the way they are. I just don't have any romantic feelings for him, nor am I in love with him.<P>Our vacation is coming up in May. I want to go alone, to get a break from school and work and from him. He wants to go together. Our councelor is supposed to advise us on this.<P>As I said, I don't think the OM is the cause of this - simply the catalyst. I will admit he has made me see that maybe I do have the strength to make it on my own instead of always depending on someone, that I can be self sufficient and be happy doing it. Before now, I was always scared.<P>Anyway, I know this is long, but if anyone has any perspective, please let me know. I don't want either myself nor my H to suffer any more than necessary.

HI AtACrossroad,<BR> OK, you've looked at the reasons you could be happy without your H and the bad times in the Marriage. Now, you should try and remember all the reasons you Married and the GOOD times you've had together. I've tried to guess how long you've been married and can't. <P> BUT you've been friends for 4 before, dated for 2years and have been married for at least 2 1/2 years. So let's say you've been intimate for at least 6 years and at least friends for 8 years?? <P> You may want to add some facts about you're ages and time married to your "Profile" Under MY STORY. There are good people here and that will help them help you. We can keep a secret!! <BR> Now, one thing you may want to try is filling out the emotional needs questionnaire with your H. <P> I know it seems a little late now, but one of the things I found out here is that my W showed me in MANY ways that she loved me a lot, HOWEVER, it wasn't in a language of love that I COULD understand, therefore, I didn't feel loved. <BR> Someone here once wrote something that made a lot of sense to me. That if you get to the mindset that "Divorce is NOT an option" Your mind and heart will search and find ways to FIX this rather than JUSTIFY getting OUT.<BR> Let's face it, we ALL took Marriage vows, for whatever reason at the time. Wanting to "get out of the house" "Wanting to get Married BEFORE, During or After something. <BR> The fact remains that we took the vows.<P> "FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER........ETC ETC....... TILL DEATH DO US PART"<BR> We made these vows in front of our families, friends or spouse and MOST importantly GOD.<BR> I may have been we were "thinking"<BR> For better and for worse (unless it gets REAL BAD) For richer and for poorer (but not TOO poor) Till death (or until I feel I'm unhappy enough to leave him or find that I married for all the wrong reasons) do us part.<BR> You know? This is where maybe you (And ALL of us) need to get to. At least TRY to think that:<BR> "DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION" <BR> Then maybe God will bless your marriage again and you will feel the love for your H come back. Read some success stories on this board. MANY MANY people in your shoes felt "I can NEVER get those feeling back" "They are just GONE"<P> These couple are now telling us that their Marriages have NEVER been better and that they feel like they are on a PERMANENT honeymoon.<BR> It takes work, but when you have the "Right" tools, it's a lot easier!!<P> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Dear Please Help:<BR>Thank you for your reply. Yes, I did take my vows very seriously, because I didn't believe in divorce. I am now wrestling with this belief, because I always thought that there was nothing my H and I couldn't work through. But, I always had my love for him to help me.<P>I was 21 when we got married. He was 22. We had both lived at home all our lives. Neither of us had the chance to experience "the outside world". After we married, he did that...extensively. I went out a few times when I was at the restaurant, mainly in retaliation for what he was putting me through, but also because I enjoyed the attention from the men at work, though no romantic feelings were ever involved.<P>I am trying to think of good things. My H and I were always very close before marriage, and I never thought things would change, but they did. I am trying to cope with that now. I have always prided myself on being rational and logical and have tried to think things through in that manner, without being clouded by too many emotions.<P>I know he is going through hell right now. So am I. I know neither of us are the same as we were when we got married, and that everyone changes. It's only when you change against each other that the problems occur, and that's what he did.<P>I'm hoping to get some time on my own, away from everyone, soon. I'm hoping this will help me clear my mind a little. No school, no work, no distractions. Until then, I'm just as confused as ever!

HI AAC,<BR> Well, I just wanted you to know that the board is a little slow on the weekends (esp. Holidays!! )<BR> DON'T WORRY, THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF "OTHER" LINES OF THINKING TO HELP YOU SORT IT OUT WHEN THE TROOPS COME BACK"<BR> I know you are hurting too. I see the incredible pain and confusion in my W's eyes at times She's said "I'm so lost" <BR> <BR> Your H has hurt you. The porn the lies the lack of attention with his friend living there . It may be that your love for him is buried under these layers. You may find the love if you peel the layers away, but, you can't do this with an OM in your life even as a "friend" it's not fair. <BR> Your H (Like most of us STUPID men) thought marriage was a destination, and as you VERY IN-TUNE to what works in a relationship women (and us SLAPPED AWAKE men) know it's a JOURNEY!!<BR> You were hurting during this time, your H SHOULD have known that watching porn would hurt you after your experience with a cheating BF, I'm sure he understands now. We men are just not as in tune, until we are FORCED to see these things. This may be God' way of waking your H up. God WILL bless you're marriage if you try.<BR> <BR> Getting away on your own may or may not help. BUT be honest in your search and don't let OM "help" in your decision. He will only confuse you and the draw (I'm sure you've read here) is like QUICKSAND, usually with the same results!!<BR> YOU SAID:<BR>I don't think the OM is the cause of this - simply the catalyst. I will admit he has made me see that maybe I do have the strength to make it on my own instead of always depending on someone, that I can be self sufficient and be happy doing it. Before now, I was always scared.<BR> Please open your mind to this next statement. Please????? <BR> <P> Any man that would share intimate moments with another man's W is NOT (at least at the time) a good man. We are all tempted, BUT you were/are very vulnerable. He should STAY out of your Marriage, it's none of his business and he may WANT it to break up so HE can have you. I don't care WHAT he tells you. MEN are MEN. We can't help it!! <BR> He may be bragging to all his friends about you and how he's preying on you. Remember we ARE the predators you know. and when he's done WINNING you,the game will be over, next game. All the while destroying your self-esteem, your family and your Marriage. Seek the TRUTH WITHOUT THE FANTASY. <BR> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR>

I can relate to how confused you are. I have been married 16 years and filed for divorce in March. It was the most painful thing I have ever done...when I signed the papers I felt physically sick. <P>I endured much in the 16 years of marriage. Some of the unhappiness was just life was difficult for both of us. I was 100% devoted to my marriage and family, but my H was not. He was devoted to his needs first. Last summer when I made plans for our family to go on vacation, he didn't want to go, so he was miserable. He refused to go out with us...and if he did was cranky. I spent evenings walking on the beach alone crying. When we got home, I tried to talk to him...I was a nag, blah, blah, blah. <P> I had an EA; not because I woke up one morning thinking it a marvelous idea,but I was vulnerable and was so pathetically needy, I did it. My H discovered the EA the end of January, and all hell broke loose. His behavior was vindictive and cruel. I, was torn as to what to do. I knew I had to base any decision I made on what was best for all of us. The OM could not be a factor. That was hard, but looking at things, I had to admit to myself what I already knew. I didn't love my H anymore...maybe I never truly did. My H read that in my journal and was hurt. I felt terrible about that, but it was and is the truth. I know that he can't change...surface things, yes, but I don't believe one can truly change their personality; especially, if he doesn't want to. For me, it's we have grown in opposite directions. There is no spart there at all for me anymore. We are sometimes living apart, sometimes he is home. My H thinks that by bombarding me with flowers and compliments, I'll change my mind. I don't need flowers...for me I need someone who cares about me and put me and the children first. My H never does anything if he isn't going to get something out of it. His behaviour with our children has clearly demonstrated how selfish he is. So, as hard as this is...I still plan on proceeding with the D. I am terrified...but I know, for me it is now or never and in my heart, I know it is the only choice I have.<P>Good luck to you.<P>LS

Could I intrude here?<P>I too am the betrayer. I think that taking some time for YOURSELF is a good idea. As long as OM stays at home where he belongs. He cannot help you make a decision.<P>In my eyes, adultery is the death of a marriage. You definetly have to start over. Unfortunetly your marriage did not start out very honest and there really isn't much to build on. You cannot build on lies and deception. So you have to begin all over again. <P>In this time alone I would annalize what you really want in a relationship and see if he is really capable of giving that to you. Is he worth rebuilding? Can he be the H you need him to be? Can you be the wife he needs you to be? <P>My sisters husband has a problem with pornography. They're marriage suffers badly from it. She said she feels like he had might as well find another woman. it is that bad. they have had the hardest time kicking that habit, because it was an addiction.<P>This may not help you but, I agree with you in taking some time for yourself. But use it to think and resolve. <P>Good Luck,<BR>Mercy

Thank you all for your responses. My H and I have talked about the vacation and have agreed to a friend's suggestion: I take the first half alone to give myself some time COMPLETELY alone to think, and then he will meet me there for the last few days. I am hoping that with no work, school, family, H or OM I will be able to think everything through clearly and try to come to some kind of decision.<BR>