Okay guys<P>This is the deal. Withdrawal of course is almost history. H and I are on the road to recovery. But there seems to be a problem.<P>Right when I start to get close to H. and I start to feel the love inside again. Then BOMB! He does something that puts me back at square one. For example. This happened twice this weekend. <P>When I was having the affair. of course I lied about money and all that mess. About a year before the affair I went throught what I call teh "material possesion" happiness. I bought a brand new Trans Am. Which H new about. All new clothes. Clothes for my neice and nephew. (Clothes for the neighborhood). Clothes for the homeless). LOL! Not really that bad. According to our bank account and credit cards it seemed like it. I bought it all. Anything that I thought would make me happy. I spent about $7,000.00. $2,000.00 of that was put on CC. So when we decided to work through this. I turned everything over to H. The checkbook and all that. Well, I am an outside sales rep. I travel about 200 miles a day. So I spend around 100.00 a week in gas. <BR>Everytime I spend one dime for aomething that I did not need. i.e. suntan lotion. He gets mad. He doesnt say anything mean. When I asked him for 20.00 for the lotion on my way to the tanning bed. he gave it to me no ? asked. Then when i get home and told him it was 25.00. He was like WHAT! you spent 25.00 for that? This instantly withdrew everything taht he deposited. He want rude or mean. I instantly felt distant from him. WHY IS THAT? <P>Another thing, he likes my hair blonde. Im a natural red head. So I agreed to have it highlighted. Physical attraction is his #1 need. Now that I have done that he keeps on for me to go all the way Blonde. I told him I cant do that. It would wash out my skin color. Im a pale red headed albino anyway. LOL! Im really fair skinnned. Today he is was loving on me and starts that stuff. It immediatly withdrew the units. I instantly lost the desire to touch him. So it ened in be taking a nap. And he cleaned his truck. We didnt even discuss it any further. He use to drive me Nuts about my hair. He know it use to keep me insane. I agreed to the highights and the short shaved cut that i have..<BR>WHAT ELSE DOES HE WANT????????? BLOOD FROM A TURNIP??????????<BR>I want the UNITS TO STAY THERE!<P>This morning he was not very friendly. he said have a good day and left. of course he told me he loved me!<BR>Thanks Guys<BR>I desire your prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by inamess (edited April 24, 2000).]

Inamess...you have come so far in this withdrawl thing and putting things back together with your H...you are commended for that. BUT...you are your own person. I may not know much, but I know you have to be satisfied and happy with yourself inside. Do you ask him to color his hair or wear be something he isn't. I bet you don't. Years ago I read a short story called, "Rema the Birdgirl," for a Women's Lit class. In short it had to deal with a woman who changed herself for whatever man she was with. In the end, Rema had no sense of who she was and was incredibly dysfunctional. <P>I'm sorry, to get on my band wagon on this, but I see so many women make themselves nuts over trying to be who they are not for their H. Be true to yourself. It's okay to compromise and accommodate, but you are who you are. If you like your hair red then so be it. <P>LS

Renee.... I am just going to say the first thoughts that popped into my mind when I read your post....<P>It almost sounds to me like he is testing you to see just what extreme you'll go to for him (and more!) Maybe I'm wrong... but I can almost hear my H saying and doing something like that to me....which he did... in a way.... and it involved my hair also... I am going to try to find the post so you can read it...<P>For Example...It's like when I was overweight after having my babies... I didn't want my H look at me naked.... I felt unattractive and when it came time to make love... I wanted the lights out and I would cringe whenever his hands touched a not so flat stomach! I didn't feel good about myself and couldn't respond as he or I would like. NOW... that I have been thin for the last few years....I feel sexy.... erotic.... and self confident...I put on my Victoria Secret and LOVE to let him see me with the lights on.... <P>It all comes down to how you feel about yourself. And it does effect everything. You can be blonde and uncomfortable.... or a redhead and comfortable.... (See what I'm getting at?) If you don't feel so good about yourself... maybe you won't attract other men....they won't look at you twice and you won't feel tempted by them. I think the whole entire thing is his subconscience trying to keep other men away from you....and vice versa...<P>You need to talk to him about how you will feel about yourself if you are a blonde.... Explain to him that you will not feel good about yourself and what will happen in return is that he is going to feel the effects of that! I'm not saying I am right about this... but I have a tendency to over analize anyway! That is just my nature....<P>About the money spending... unless you are not making the bills with money you both make.... I can't understand what his problem is with you buying things for yourself.... other than the fact he may be trying to take away from you these simple things that you enjoy. (A subconscience thing on his part)HEY.... $25.00 is a lot to spend on suntan lotion... but I go to tan also and know how expensive those lotions are! You got a deal!!! <P>Discuss it... but don't argue about it... And good luck to you.... <P><p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited April 24, 2000).]

Check this out... and see if it works... I've never tried to send a link before...<P>This is a post I made last year...referring to a bit of a controlling situation my H had put me in.... there are some great replies also... maybe they can help you too....<P>Remember... that I think your H is trying to be a bit of controlling of you... with this hair thing...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011363.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011363.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited April 24, 2000).]

inamess,<BR>hi there, even now I find my mind wanders at<BR>some of the stuff my W does, and I start to get mad at her for the affair, totally unrelated, I have to claim IICor10:5 , <BR>it works most of the time. This healing/recovery time is what's really amazed me, I thought I'd be much father along. <BR>It seems to me that my W and the OM, just want to say like , that was yesterday, its over, well....not in my mind. <BR>So what I am getting at, I think there are many surronding areas that are affected that<BR>aren' t even related, at least in my case.<BR>The satan just loves it when he can get us to <BR>start reliving the past, especially bad past.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

<BR>Feeling very distant from H today.<P>I am still unclear on how to approach this without making it look like I dont care about his needs. <P>Im starting to get a little irratated and lose it. I have been on GREAT behavior here. I have given an inch. DOES HE WAANT A MILE?<P>Sometimes I wonder if it isnt best to detach again? No, Im just feeling a little irrational today. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!<P>i need prayers!!!!!!!<P>lOVE TO ALL<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

I was going to suggest that you lighten your hair and buy some of that roux temp. color to put the red back in if you didn't like it. 20+ years ago, I was a hair dresser. Doing color never scared me or my clients, because color could always be fixed. (If you have a good hair colorist.) But a hair cut had to grow back out. So, if you lighten your hair, and you truly don't like it (and maybe he won't like it either) - then you can change it back. no biggy.<P>But what is really going on, is that neither your husband or you are practicing POJA. <P>With the money thing ( $20 or $25 ), etc. It sounds like both the hair and the money for suntan lotion are both issues that require delicate negotiation, where no decision is made until there is a enthusiastic agreement.<P>In my situation, my husband can go months almost years doing nothing but overdrawing his account! I know how that feels! It is really hard to stay motivated to meet his needs and not lovebust when your lovebank is in the red! <P>The trick is to learn how to discipline yourself to continue being the giver - with good communication to negotiate for your needs and POJA - even when you are dealing with a negative account. It is definitely tough! But it can be done. <P>TNT