From the advice of inamess I am reposting this from the "Just Found Out" forum<P>Well yesterday was D-Day for me. I have been seperated from my wife for two weeks. Because of our work schedules I still come by to see the kids until she gets home and then I leave. She came in on Tuesday and was in a foul mood. Although she kept her work bag close to her at all times and was cleaning up, something usually done when someone is coming over she was acting a little wierd. This isn't any different from the last couple of weeks, just more intense. I aske if she was hiding something from me and she said "no, but I am tired and I just want to go to sleep." Isaid that I had a million questions for her and she said maybe another day. I left at that point and she called me at the house I was staying at and said she was sorry for the way she treated me but just needed sleep and maybe we could talk the next day. Well at least she wanted to talk. I thought I would bring her a coffee the next morning because I thought the lines of communication would be opening. Well to my shock there was a guy from her work sitting at the kitchen table. She quickly made up some excuse and tried to prove it to me but they both just looked guilty. I left at that point because I did not want to make a big scene in fron of my kids. I came back a short time later and she was pretty convincing about what was going on. I said I trusted her. I did not say I had some major reservations.<P>So now Friday comes along and I went to take the garbage out and some animal had ripped open a bag. Sticking out was a rye bottle. Odd, I havent had rye in the house for over a year, not even my brand. I opened the bag a little further and saw a small pizza box, 2 more liqour bottles ( small sizes) and a box of vaginal contreceptives with a used applicator. I don't think I need to justify why the contraceptives were not for my benefit.<P> I have seen her for a short time since this and spoke to her once. I never brought up the discovery because I want this marriage to work. I think that confronting her with it at this stage may backfire. Any comments?<P>The difficult part about this is that I wnat her to know that there would be forgiveness if she came clean. How can I accomplish both? I know that patience is the key here but looking at her right now is extremely difficult. I did treat her as if nothing happened and continued trying to fill her love bank but I get the impression that that makes her even more distant towards me. How can I feel Love, resentfulness and forgiveness at the same time. <P>I was thinking of trying to catch them, I don't think it would be that hard, but I don't want to drive myself crazy about this. Is there any benefit in catching someone in the act vs. hard evidence?<P>This is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. I am completely torn up about this, I have spent the last two weeks bawling my eyes out, once while in line for a coffee. I really want whats best for the family but I don't think there will be any lines of communication until the PA is over. How can I break up the affair without putting pressure on her. I really believe that if she was cornered she would flee.<P>Up until now I have made sure that she knows I am available to talk whenever she wants, constantly praise her for her attitude and her looks( she does look amazing). This seems like a coincidence but she lost weight, got new clothes, got a suntan and started going out to work parties. I think I may have read one or two stories like that here (tongue planted firmly in cheek).<P>Signed betrayed, hurt, lonely, confused and still in love

Gobber<BR>Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you have to be here, but it is truly a wonderful place to learn and get support.<P>I've been thinking about your situation. IMHO nothing good can come out of putting off confrontation. That is just my opinion. You sound as if you are ready for the truth. As ready as one can ever be. <P>As long as the lies and secrets continue, there will be more distance between you. Your W will sink deeper into that other life and find it harder to get out. You will suffer from the maybes and the different scenarios that build up in you head. once the truth is placed on the table, you have something real to deal with.<P>I was not prepared for D-day. Although I had some suspicions, things came to a head pretty fast when I asked my H if he had a cowgirl bimbo and his answer was yes.<BR>Looking back I think he really wanted me to confront him. He had gotten himself into a mess and had no idea how to get out.<P>The only advice I can give you is to make sure that you are comfortable to be around, a safe person to be with. As far as her believing you will forgive her, that may take a while. My H did not feel he was worthy of forgiveness so it was pretty hard to tell him that I was forgiving him. He couldn't forgive himself.<P>If you confront your wife you are giving her an opportunity to be truthful. The lies and secrets are what tears the marraige apart. Not the affair. You need to try to make it comfortable to tell the truth. Even when you are dying inside you must try to be calm.<P>I don't think that you should wait to catch them in the act. That could prove to be a very difficult image for you to have to deal with in the future.<P>I have one concern. You mention this man and the kids in one situation. How old are your kids? Are they present, in the house when the OM is there? The effect on the kids is a priority. If your wife is bringing the OM around your kids, I would confront as soon as possible, as soon as you feel prepared.<P>Read all that you can here. Keep posting. Things will pick up a bit now that the weekend is over. <P>Prayers!!!<P>Wassi

Thanks for replying. My kids are almost 5 and almost 2. The only time i can be sure that they have been together when both kids were around was the morning I found him at my house. I know she sent my oldest to her brothers when I was away on a business trip. It seems pretty convenient to have the one wh can't talk around when you are with someone you shouldn't be.<P>Although it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do I was positive towards her and we generally had a good time with our kids. I am getting Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and I am looking at plan A. I think what I am going to do is to give her another week. This will allow me to think about what I want from this. Then I am going to talk to her about getting counseling again. We haven't gone before but I have brought it up on many occassions. She must be in a really difficult spot and I think we both need to talk to someone. I really think I am ready for that.<P>My basis for getting things going is that we just bought a new house ( don't you love the timing of it all!) and we need to sort out whatever is going on with us before having to spend more time together packing. I have spent o alot of time reflecting on this over the weekend with GODS help. He has really put a feeling of forgiveness in my heart. But, I think that can only be made easier if she tells me what happened rather than me prying it out of her.<P>Looking back I think this has been going on since November/December. I cant be sure but there has been a definite attitude change from her since then. The things that are most difficult to deal with right now are the mental images (sexual), both between her and me and her and OM. <P><BR>

Goober,<BR>I am so sorry that circumstances lead you here too.But this is the best place for support.NSR is wonderful to speak to,and i have also benefited from Sir Hurt ALot.<BR>I am so sorry for your pain.My prayers to you.bethn<BR>