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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 10
I've posted a few times before. . .to briefly recap, my spouse cheated on me in a non- sexual but slightly physical (occasional kissing, frequent hugging/holding) way for three weeks. On the night I found out I told her to get out, and that I was divorcing her. Even though I was just shocked, and didn't really want a divorce, she took me seriously and went and became much more physical with him than she'd been to that point, petting, and making out, etc. It's been almost 40 days since I found out, and, to be honest, I AM NOT IMPROVING!!! I still think about it all the time, I still feel miserable ALL THE TIME. I really need some kind of time frame on this. I dearly love my wife, and I'm hopeful that this will work itself out, but it doesn't seem to be working itself out at all. I'm constantly resentful, constantly thinking, painfully. . .what if? It doesn't even help, though it probably should, that I realize the affair was my fault -- I never treated her well at all. I know people are going to get on here and say, "these things take time," and "40 days isn't that long," but 40 days IS long! It's a hell of a long time not to see any improvement. I vascillate between yelling, moping, and just totally avoiding her. All the while, she's been perfect. . .I mean great. She's completely forsaken the other guy. And she has repeatedly proclaimed a desperate love and need for only me. But bottome line, none of that has helped. I still feel like absolute crap 100% of the time. In spite of how much I want to go back to normal, and in spite of how adverse I am to the idea of divorcing my wife, I must admit that if it goes on like this for too much longer, I'll either lose my mind and have to be put away, or I'll just leave her. Please help!!1

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 184
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Posts: 184
Hi Actusreus,<P>I wish my H would foresake OW! I think you are blessed. <P>My Discovery day is FEb 14 2000,H asked for divorce in Nov 1999.I have been able to make it thru an entire day without emotional pain only within the past couple of days.Each day the pain got a little less.<P>Try to focus on what W emotional needs are.Has she filled out emtional needs Questionerre? Bethn<P>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
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Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,088
You sound depressed,my dear.When unable to see the cup half full instead of half empty for a period of time and considering the upheaval of your life,I urge you to consider the possibility. Meds can make a HUGE difference in outlook allow you to stop obsessing,and don't have to be long term.<P>Your wife has done a difficult thing in giving up OM.You are able to admit your part in the demise of your relationship. You have MUCH to work with here...you are lucky.You're in the driver's seat,just keep reminding yourself where it is you want to go and give yourself time to get there!

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 661
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Posts: 661
Forty days does seem like a kind of long time to see absolutely no improvement. What steps have you been taking to make things better? I must agree with m.bard that it sounds like you are depressed. If you don't want to go the medication route, you should actively try to find a path back to being okay with yourself.<P>It sounds like you're giving yourself a hard time, like you're repeating variations of "She never would have done this if I had been a better husband." You can't keep beating yourself up over that. It's past; it's done. The only time you should look to that past is to use it as a guide for where you want to go in the future.<P>Next time you start thinking about the affair (like right now), force yourself to think of something else. Think of good times with your wife; think of good times when you were growing up; heck, think of polar bears in string bikinis if it keeps you from going down the spiral road into the pits.<P>Try to find someone you can talk to. I like to come here because the folks on this board know first hand what emotions I'm dealing with, but there are times that talking to a real human is just what I need. Perhaps a trusted friend, or a clergy person or student counselor? You might want to consider a professional counselor.<P>I know it's no fun to hear others tell you how lucky you are. I, too, have been blessed with a spouse who gave up the OP immediately, but that didn't stop me from thinking about all of the things that had happened before.<P>You have to force yourself to be different. To think differently. <P>You can do it.<P>Good luck. --HBC

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 134
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Posts: 134
It sounds to me like your depressed. Granted YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON to be depressed. 40 days is not that long but I am all to familiar with how each day can feel like forever. First of all you are letting your feelings put you into a position that they are holding you back. <P> There is one sad fact that is really hard to accept and the sooner you do the quicker you can move on. The point is this, if you were being a good husband and doing all the right things she never would have been interested in someone else. I know it is not easy to hear that you basicly drove her away. There are many out there that would disagree with me on where to put the blame but to me I looked at it like I pushed my wife away and it was her that choose what to do next. I recommend getting use to the idea that the two of you have enough guilt and blame to go around. Now what to do.<P> It sounds like your "moods" (depression) is winning the war on your emotions. You can answer that better then we can. If you find yourself having trouble sleeping, trouble focusing on things, trouble just dealing with life and you feel like "Who the he!! cares", I would say it is time to seek professional help.<P> I'm on anti-depressants and I did find it to help. I was obessed about places and visions. It became a handcap, how are you to take on win back your wife when these things going on in your head have you in a rage.<P> The bottom line is this, read the information from Dr. Harley IT WORKS. Focus on improving yourself. Become the person you were when you first meet. <P> I spend a lot of time learning about relationships, romance and got involved with romantic tips and idea exchanges with woman on the internet. Some how focus on improving yourself and not the he!! around you.<P>Joe<BR>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900
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Joined: Nov 1999
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I have no advice, just some questions and observations.<P>Did you notice the bibical implications of your 40 days? I really am not very religious but reading that at this season struck me as significant.<P>That was the observation, this is the question, I think I should recognize the significance of the name, but I don't. Enlighten me if you please. Otherwise I will have to dig out my Latin textbook and lord knows where that is. I do hope it is Latin, if not I am doubly humbled.

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 126
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 126
Actus, you really need to consider yourself lucky at this point. Now it's time for you to educate yourself, seek counseling, communicate with your wife, and do all the things you're supposed to do to make your marriage work better than it ever was before. You have a second chance; don't blow it.<BR> I'm at 36 days since D-Day, and my wife is out looking for houses with the OM. Do the right thing...<P>theo<P>


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